Sunday, September 26, 2010

This One's For the Girls

As everyone in the marketing business will tell you, appealing to your target demographic is of the utmost importance when selling a product. Oftentimes, companies will market a product specifically towards women. This can result in the following embarrassments:
#1: Pikaru Baby Carrier Vest. This is a fleece vest that includes a pouch for your baby in the front. This looks just as amusing as it sounds. I would recommend this product for members of the female gender who want to look like unfortunate kangaroos or the guy from the movie "Total Recall" (see below).

#2: the Rejuvenique RJV10KIT Facial Toning Mask Kit. This mask contains gold "contact points" on the inside. When powered by a battery, those contact points move around, massaging and (supposedly) rejuvenating your skin. What's so bad about this, you wonder? No one will be able to see your freshly rejuvenated skin because they mistook you for a serial killer and ran like hell.

#3: thong jeans. These are jeans with exposed denim thongs pre-attached. I don't think I can sum this up any better than the Huffington Post did: "At $94.29 a pair, these are quite possibly the most expensive route to looking as cheap as possible." I really cannot fathom why any sane human being would possibly purchase these, but American consumerism has always been a bit of a mystery to me...
your mother must be so proud.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Why Pets Bite People

It's no secret that we all love our pets. Whether you have a fish, cat, dog, turtle, or miniature llama (this is completely plausible, I knew a girl in fifth grade who had a miniature llama as a pet. I was ridiculously jealous), your pet deserves all the love and warmth and pampering you can give it. And how, you ask, should we go about pampering our furry, scaly, feathery friends? It's easy: just buy them spectacularly lame presents. If none of the following are perfect enough for your precious pal, then you need to lower your standards.

#1: Bowser Beer for dogs. This beverage contains glucosamine, B-vitamins, and malt barley (just like real brewskies!). To Man's Best Friend: Get ready to get crunk. 

#2: Rear Gear Butt Covers for cats and dogs: this is best summarized by a direct quote from the product website: "Is your pet feeling left in the dirt because of his/her unsightly rear? I've got them covered..." Because it's a lot less disturbing to be looking at a picture of a biohazard symbol, cupcake or sherriff's badge in the place where an animal's bum-oley should be.

#3: the Purr Detector. This is a collar that lights up when your cat is purring. Quite frankly, if you can't tell when your cat is purring, you are probably too unobservant and negligent to be a cat owner. Or your cat is too unhappy to be purring. But hey, I'd be unhappy, too, if my owner actually spent money on things like Purr Detectors.

#4: Pet Stroller. Enough has been said.
this makes me sad.
#5: Croc Cat Bed. This is a cat bed that is designed to look like a giant Croc. I'm just gonna say it: I haaaate Crocs. Just... gross. No. But I have to admit that this bed is pretty hilarious, and I might buy one just to be ironic and cool and funny.

plotting owner's upcoming demise. it will be slow and it will be painful.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Five Ways to Make Everyone in the Vicinity Lose Respect for You

I'm hoping that you've at least somewhat grasped the point of this blog by now. If you haven't, I think you're kind of unintelligent and I want you to stop reading my blog. Now.
Instead of covering just one stupid product this time, I'm giving you a list of five. Big upgrade, I know. You're welcome. Now, dear readers, all I want you to do is sit back and relax. And like me.
Here we go:
#1: Jerome Russell's Spray On Hair Color Thickener. Before I investigated, I was under the impression that this product was something balding men sprayed on their hair and the product somehow whipped their hair follicles into shape. I was wrong. This product is a colored spray, much like spray paint, that the aforementioned balding men spray on their heads to make it look like they have thick, luscious hair. In reality, it just looks a very sad (sadlarious, even) attempt to fool the general public. A failed attempt, at that. See below:
I repeat: fail.

#2 just may be one of the best things I've ever seen. It's the Privacy Scarf. It's designed for people who like to think they're making themselves inconspicuous when, in fact, everyone around them is laughing and pointing. Good thing the Privacy Scarf-wearers are completely unaware of their surroundings. Otherwise they might feel like people are judging them.


On to #3, then: the Solafeet Foot Tanner. Yeah, you heard me (well, I guess you... read... me?). It's a tanner for your tootsies. Believe me, this is necessary. That overly-enthusiastic foot fetishist next door will lose interest if you're sporting pasty pies (that's PEE-ase, b.t.w. The Spanish word for feet? Not pies. Not desserts. Feet.).
feet = toned, tanned, fit and ready. ohhh yess. 

#4: Bed Books. You know how annoying it is when you're trying to read lying down, and you have to *annoyed huff* actually turn your head sideways in order to read? Yeah, me too. Hate it, bro. Hate it. Well, get ready to get relief, because the folks over at Bed Books have provided us with a long-awaited solution. They make books with the text printed sideways! No more turning your head to read; consider yourself woe-free. Thanks, Bed Books!

or you could just suck it up and sit upright to read. lazy freaks.   

#5: I know I already told y'all that the Privacy Scarf was my favorite thing on this list. Well, numero cinco is offering some pretty stiff competition. Introducing... the Boyfriend Pillow.
This is exactly as sadlarious as it sounds. The Boyfriend Pillow is a pillow with an arm on it, designed to imitate the feeling of having a man's arm around you. A direct quote from the website: "The Boyfriend Pillow is a uniquely designed memory foam arm pillow that gives females the feeling of being embraced by by a real man without the snoring, tossing or turning." I think this might be one of the saddest things I've ever seen. I don't know if there's a better way to advertise your own desperation and crushing loneliness. And I'm not going to lie to you, the pillow itself is quite creepy. It looks like half of a man's torso has been severed and given to sad single ladies to snuggle with.

creepy AND sad.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

People Will Laugh at You, Part II

I’m feeling a little dead inside as I prepare to write these words. In saying this, I am betraying and recently acquired and dearly beloved friend. Though it pains me greatly to say it, the Snuggie is a really, really, really stupid idea.
Now, don’t tell me you haven’t heard of the Snuggie, the now-infamous blanket with sleeves. If you, by chance, haven’t had the pleasure of seeing a Snuggie commercial (my personal favorite is the one in which the family of four is standing around a campfire in their Snuggies and raising the roof- for those of you who don’t know what raising the roof is, shame on you, it’s that dance in which you bend your arms at the elbow, palms facing skyward, and  pump your palms up and down a few times, as if you are literally lifting a roof off a building- (see here: Raising the Roof)). Also, if you didn’t already know what raising the roof is, I am fully obligated to judge you.

The Snuggie was created as a solution to the worldwide epidemic of people burdened by having to A) hold their blankets up to their necks in order to keep warm, or B) let the blanket sit in their lap and warm only the lower half of their bodies. Don’t tell me we don’t face hardships in this country. But thanks to the Snuggie, we no longer have to endure this. We are eschewing the annoyances that accompany blanket use and are embracing sleeved blankets with open arms (Get it? Because of the sleeves? Ha ha!) . The Snuggie is basically just a backwards robe. You hold it up in front of you, spend ten minutes looking for the stupid arm holes, then slide your arms in and spend the rest of your time wearing it trying to keep it on your person. What they fail to show you in the commercial is that the Snuggie has no fastening mechanism or anything on the back. It just hangs there, gaping open. The view from behind is somewhat reminiscent of an old man at the hospital who forgets to tie his dressing gown in the back, and exposes his underwear-clad or (God forbid) bare buttocks to everyone in the vicinity until a sympathetic nurse pulls him aside and quietly makes him aware of the situation.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am absolutely NOT hating on the Snuggie. I am proud to admit that I own two myself. And I luuuuuuuuuuuuurve them. Since I know you’re wondering, I have the Blue Tie-Dye and Cotton Candy Pink Snuggies, and I plan on purchasing more in the future. Before you point the finger of rage at me and accuse me of hyposcrisy, I think I should point out that I am not a deluded American consumer. I KNOW how stupid Snuggies are. I KNOW how ridiculous I look when sporting one. I’d like to say I only bought one to be funny and cynical and ironic, which is true, but I also truly love the Snuggie. Big fan, big fan. Ever since I saw a Snuggie commercial for the first time and almost wet myself laughing, I’ve been fanatical about the sleeved blankets. And before I forget, I think I should point out that my devotion is only reserved for brand-name Snuggies. No generic sleeved blankets, no knock-offs, such as the Slanket. That’s gross. You have to go with the original.

In the commercial, you may have noticed some brave souls daring to wear their Snuggies in public. I would advise against doing this, unless you enjoy being mercilessly made fun of by your peers. A good defense mechanism to ward off mockery is to deliver a forceful slap to the face, stand over your victim as they cry on the ground, and point out the fact that you would not be able to slap someone in the face while wearing a sleeveless blanket. So there.

I hope I haven’t damaged my credibility by admitting to owning one of the stupid things I typically express disgust for in these posts. I’d like to point out, again, that I DO NOT actually think this product was a fantastic idea and that I look really cool and attractive when I wear it(quite the opposite, in fact; when wearing a Snuggie, one tends to look like a brightly-colored, fleecy human tent). I’m sure my next post will contain more proper amounts of cynicism and disdain for what the American consumer will purchase. As a parting gift to you, I’ve included two more commercials. Watch them and laugh.

People Will Laugh at You

"Take the work out of your workout... the Hawaii Chair!"

I, like most of you, was under the impression that weight-loss methods in this country couldn't get any more idiotic. From the Beyonce-inspired water-and-cayenne-peppers diet to the countless number of pills, programs, and potions, I continue to be amazed that we can still produce ideas more ridiculous than their predecessors. So, without further ado, I (somewhat sheepishly) introduce to you... the Hawaii Chair!

The Hawaii Chair is basically just your average computer chair, but with the added bonus of a seat equipped with the innovative "2800 RPM Hula Motor" that swivels (not rotates) around in a circle while you sit in it. This is intended to imitate the hip and waist movements one makes whilst hula dancing (since, apparently, hula dancing is the most effective- as well as the most ridiculous-looking if done poorly- workout there is). And, yes, this looks just as asinine as it sounds (if not more).

The creepy man in the informercial explains to us that, over the course of one workweek, a person can spend up to 40 hours sitting behind a desk, and THAT'S what makes you fat. However, if your hips are gyrating wildly while you sit at your desk for 40 hours a week, you will lose weight and be a skinny little minnie.

And if you'd like to humiliate yourself in front of as many people as you possibly can, another selling point of the Hawaii Chair is that you can "use it anywhere!". As in, they expect you to bring it to work. And use it. In public. Where people can see you.

I think I can safely say the most amusing result of this product is the infomercial. We are shown several shots of people doing everyday work activities, like answering the phone and using the computer. These examples are intended to demonstrate that you can carry on as you would normally while your lower half is moving in violent circles. The result of this is that the actors in the commercial are indeed able to accomplish these tasks, but with obvious superhuman effort. Sadlarious.

"If you can sit, then you can get fit!" in exchange for your dignity and some spare change. Lazy lardballs rejoice.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Indignant Fatties

America: in case you haven't noticed, we've somehow become the laughingstock of the world throughout the years. We're fat (nom nom nom McDonald's), selfish (refusing to share our Big Macs and supersize fries), and lazy (too lethargic to begin pursuit when another fat and selfish- but less lazy- American steals our grub). We are obsessed with making things easier, faster, more comfortable. We churn out stupid invention after stupid invention in order to make these improvements, and the results are often highly amusing. I am constantly amazed at the products that are thought to be impressive enough to be sold, and even more amazed when companies actually get people to buy these things. The purpose of this blog is to show you examples of American idiocy so you can giggle or guffaw or express amusement in whichever way you find most comfortable. I'm a fan of the chortle, myself. I'm really looking forward to examining the kind of sad hilarity that our country specializes in (sadlarity: a characteristic typically found in the laughable things Americans do; makes you feel a peculiar mixture of amusement and pity. Example: The POOP-FREEZE is super sadlarious), and I hope you'll enjoy this as much as I am sure to.

America is a peculiar place. We excitedly manufacture our POOP-FREEZE's and our Snuggies, and then we look around and indignantly wonder what we have done to earn this role as the Lovable Dunce in the world's cast of characters. Why, World? What have we done to deserve this bullying? Why are you laughing at us? Why?

This is why.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Poop Freeze: Super Necessary

Every day, I take my dog for a walk. This is inevitable. It's also inevitable that my dog will choose to expel feces at some point during the jaunt, which I will decide to A) leave on my neighbor's impeccable lawn (because my dog only likes to defecate on the lawns of the neighbors who work hardest on them) or B) be a good citizen and pick it up. No, not with my bare hands. That's sick. And if you've ever had to pick up your dog's "business", you know that the temperature of said business is about 400 degrees. Seriously. That's hot. But lucky for us, the folks over at POOP-FREEZE were sympathetic to our plight. Since they know how much we hate picking up steaming hot poop, they gave us the ability to pick up slightly chilled poop. Yesss. As the name suggests, POOP-FREEZE is a product that comes in an aerosol can for you to spritz your dog's poo and bring the temp down a bit. Obviously, our nation would be in shambles without this. It's like ingenuity and brilliance had an illegitimate love child. And that child was POOP-FREEZE. Go to YouTube right now and watch the commercial. You won't be disappointed. Unless chilled feces disappoints you.