Sunday, October 17, 2010

The Internet is Not for Everyone

Have you ever had a question or problem you simply couldn't figure out on your own? I haven’t; I’m perfect. However, for those of you who DO know this feeling, where do you turn? What do you do? A relatively recent trend in the world of problem-solving is to ask the internet for help. By this, I mean you can ask for assistance from the people who are using the internet. Sites such as Yahoo! Answers are designed specifically for this purpose. A person can ask any question he or she wants, place in into a category, and receive answers from the general public within minutes. While this website can certainly benefit users by making the knowledge of millions of people directly accessible to you, that also means that the information of those who are a few fries short of a Happy Meal is directly accessible to you as well. The following are a few of my favorite stupid questions from Yahoo! Answers.com:

“My girlfriend farted while we were kissing should I break up with her?”

“How can I break my thumb more?
I thought I broke my thumb… so I told everyone I was getting a cast… I want a cast. I went to the doctor but they said it wasn’t broken so I need to get a cast before I got to skool tomarroe. Help me!!!!!!!! And please don’t tell me to just tell them the truth.”

“I just drank a tall cold glass of lemonade and it made me MORE thirsty, am I pregnant?”

“I took my 5 lb dog outside before daylight and a large owl flew right in front of my face. Will it eat my dog?”

“Why are the holes in cats fur always in the right place for their eyes?”

“How do you make just one word on myspace all caps?”

“I was bitten by a turtle when I was a young lad, should I still drink orange juice?”

Personal favorite:
“I live in georegia but I don’t see rusia no where not even sound but they says theres tanks should I be worrie
I herd on the news that rusia has invaded but I don’t see them no where wats going on”
Answer: “You are in the state of Georgia. The nation of Georgia is on the other side of the world.”

Proof You CAN Embarrass Your Pets

In response to a positive reaction regarding the three pictures of painted poodles I included in my blog post last week (by “positive reaction”, I mean three or four people in my AP Lang. class found them amusing), I’m going to do an entire post focused on the incredibly bizarre trends of the pet-grooming world. I’m feeling a little conflicted about this… as much as it pains me to see some poor puppy styled to look like Ozzy Osbourne, I also can’t deny that I would love nothing more than make my pets look this amusing.

Mohawks:
Hey, remember when I did that post about stupid hairstyles, and how the Mohawk was a fully deserving member of that classification? IT DOESN'T LOOK ANY LESS STUPID WHEN YOUR PETS WEAR IT.




Braids:
Despite the fact that your pets probably really, really enjoy it when you pull and twist their fur, giving them braids probably isn't the best decision. All of their little pet friends who actually have normal owners, and, therefore, normal "hairstyles" will make fun of them. Double stupidity points will be awarded if you give your pet CORNROWS.

Painting:
For some reason, a lot of people think it's fun to paint their pets with bright colors, so that they look totally unlike any of their friends' pets (a polite way of saying that they look like genetically mutated freaks who escaped from the lab). How "wacky" and "zany" and "neato"!

the cat knows it's being judged by the pumpkin.

no comment.

too embarrassed to look at the camera.


significantly more unhappy than face paint would lead you to believe. see those eyes? that's a cry for help.

why?

okay, that's kinda cute. but only a little bit.


Wigs:
If your pets don't already loathe you enough after you've shaved, painted, and braided them, perhaps you can finally push them over edge by plopping a ridiculous wig on their heads.

desperately seeking good Samaritan who will remove all wigs from owner's possession and burn them.

gazing out window in search of less enthusiastically freakish  owner.

carefully choreographing owner's upcoming unfortunate tumble down the stairs.

clearly unaware of abuse being inflicted on self.
Extreme Poodle Grooming:
This is exactly what it sounds like, and I'm sad to say that this is its official name. People actually groom their poodles (I'm not quote sure why poodles are the breed of choice for this activity) in an extreme manner, don costumes that fit in with the theme they selected for their poodle, and travel to Extreme Poodle Grooming competitions. A poodle is a poodle, so let's keep it that way.

poodle = camel? no.

poodle = freakish (albeit impressive) representation of cubism? no.

poodle = Budweiser Clydesdale? no.

poodle = bison? no.

poodle = cutesy snail in a garden? no.

poodle = pony? no.


poodle = poodle. so stop that funny business right now.

Don't Say They Didn't Warn You


While I appreciate the fact that manufacturers try to keep us, the consumers, safe (or perhaps this is just an attempt to avoid lawsuits; this varies depending on your classification: optimist or pessimist?) while using their products by posting warnings on them. Oftentimes, these warnings are actually helpful and may save quite a few people from injury or illness. However, these warnings are occasionally completely unnecessary. We are often warned from doing spectacularly idiotic things with these products, as if it’s a legitimate concern that someone just might try to eat that plastic doughnut. This indicates that A) there have actually been issues with masters of idiocy implementing said idiocy via the incorrect use of household products, or B) these companies think the American public is just that stupid. Please, God, let it be the latter…

“Remove the plastic wrapper.”  (the first instruction on a bag of microwave popcorn; to see these instructions, one first has to remove the plastic wrapper and unfold the bag…)

“In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors.” (seen in a car manual)

“Serving suggestion: defrost.” (seen on a frozen dinner)

“Some materials may irritate sensitive skin. Please look at the materials if you believe this may be the case.
Materials:
Covering: 100% unknown
Stuffing: 100% unknown
(seen on a pillow)

 “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.” (seen on a bag of Fritos)

“Do not drive cars in ocean.” (seen in a car commercial that shows a car in the ocean)

“Always drive on roads. Not on people.” (seen in a car commercial that depicts a vehicle body-surfing at a concert)

“Machine wash gentle cold
Use gentle detergent
No bleach
Line dry
No iron
Do not dry clean
Do not wear for sumo wrestling”
(seen on a shirt’s washing instructions tag)

“Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants.” (seen on the packaging for… A WRISTWATCH)

“Do not use orally after using rectally” (seen on the instructions for an electric thermometer)

“Warning: may cause drowsiness.” (seen on a bottle of sleeping pills)

“Remove occupants before folding stroller.” (seen on a stroller)

“Do not eat if seal is missing.” (seen on the aforementioned seal; I will concede that, in cases like this, the weight of the idiocy lands squarely on the manufacturer's shoulders)

“Product will be hot after heating.” (seen on a supermarket dessert box)

 “Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems.” (seen on a bottle of Midol PMS relief pills)

“This door is alarmed from 7:00 P.M. to 7:00 A.M.” (seen on a hospital’s outside access door)

“Wearing this garment does not enable you to fly.” (seen on a child’s Superman costume)

“For indoor or outdoor use only.” (seen on a string of Christmas lights)

“Cannot be made non-poisonous.” (seen on a can of de-icing windshield fluid)

“Do not use intimately.” (seen on a tube of deodorant)

“For use by trained personnel only.” (seen on a can of air freshener)

“Do not use for drying pets.” (seen in the instruction manual for a microwave)

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Get Me A Band-Aid; I've Been Cut By Your Razor-Sharp Wit

The title you see above is not sarcasm. This is some seriously clever stuff. Appreciate it. Now. 

These are all quotes from real signs in businesses throughout the country:

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In George’s Service Station, Glen Ellen, California: 
"If your car sounds like:
“ping-click-ping”- $10.00
“click-whine-click”- $25.00
“clunk-whine-clunk”- $50.00
“thud-clunk-thud”- $100.00
“clang-thud-clang”- $300.00
“Can’t describe it!”- $500.00"

At an auto body shop: "May we have the next dents?"

A classified ad in the newspaper: "Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog"

Another classified ad: "cows, calves- never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale"

At a gynecologist’s office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At an optometrist’s office: "If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place."

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: "Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At a podiatrist’s office: "Time wounds all heels."

At a Laundromat, on an automatic washing machine: "Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out."

At a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

At a farmer’s field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."

On a residential fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

Proofreading is Our Friend

 A while ago, my mom showed me a list she found of funny misprints, typos, or other blunders in church bulletins. Now, I would definitely be lying if I said I found church entertaining, but if they printed things like these in the bulletins, I don't think I would be the only one feeling much more entertained.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Evening massage- 6 p.m.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

 Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

The Reverend Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

Don’t let worry kill you off- let the church help.

The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water”
The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus”

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I Will Not Pass This Way Again”, giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want to remember.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn group in the park across from the church. Come prepared to sin.
 Ladies’ Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the fellowship hall after the B.S. is done.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing program campaign slogan last Sunday: “I upped my pledge- up yours.”

Our next song is “Angels We Have Heard Get High”.

Your Hair Will Hate You




As you have undoubtedly noticed, we Americans seem to have a superb knack for making ourselves look like idiots. We accomplish this goal using a plethora of mediums, such as the invention of stupid products, the fattification of our citizens, and, most effectively, our appearances. Today we’ll be focusing on a very specific aspect of the third aforementioned medium: the hairstyle. I find myself routinely appalled by what people deem acceptable to do to their hair, both back in the day and in modern times. The following doubles as a guide to the evolution of the ridiculous hairstyle AND a list of things to never, ever, ever do to yourself:

1. the ducktail: popular in the 1950s, this style was achieved by, firstly, combing the sides of the hair back very tightly, then arranging all of the hair on the top of the head in to a casually disordered pile  (side note: John Travolta’s sideburn and the hair connecting it is shaped like a tree. Just look at it!).



2. the beehive: surely you’ve seen this style before, as I have to admit it’s making a bit of a comeback (in the less severe form of Bumpits and “poofs”). But in the 50s and 60s, the full-on beehive reigned supreme, in all its voluminous glory. To create a beehive, one must A) tease her hair to towering heights, then B) coat it with hairspray until its texture resembles that of a large piece of rock. 
this has evolved...

into this.

3. the Mohawk: the definitive hairstyle of hooligan culture. The crazed Mohawk coveter shaves their head clean, save for a single strip in the middle. This strip is grown long, then teased straight up in the air and solidified using any and all household liquids the wearer can find (eggs, glue, hairspray, etc.).


reverse mohawk? brilliant!
 

4. the afro: this style can only be sported by those with very curly hair. The afro-ee must grow their curly hair out and brush it, transforming their locks into a very large, very fluffy halo surrounding their head. My big brother used to have a pseudo-fro. I’m very proud of this fact.



why?

5. cornrows: the wearer simply has their stylist plait their hair very tightly into tiny braids running in vertical lines across the scalp, creating an appearance similar to rows of corn. Hence the name “corn rows”. I used to have corn rows when I was in elementary school. I was somehow led to believe that it would be a better alternative to headbands and bobby pins when growing out my bangs. I was also led to believe that this aesthetic decision would be socially acceptable.  You can’t possibly fathom how much this embarrasses me now.

that's right. hide your face in shame.
fifty points for the mohawk/cornrow combo. it's a twofer!

6. dreadlocks: I suggest this style for those of you who would like to have hair that never looks clean. The dreads are created by teasing the hair in small sections, securing with a rubber band, then smothering the hair with some kind of oil or wax and “palm-rolling” it. Personally, I find dreadlocks to be terrifying and I would be very uncomfortable if somebody’s dreadlock happened to touch me. I imagine it would feel very much like a monster’s moustache. 
terrifying.

ew, gag me with a spoon.


7. the jheri curl: this style was very popular among African-American men in the 70s. This style involved growing out one’s hair, relaxing it, then finishing with a perm. I recommend this style if all you’ve ever wanted is to impersonate a poodle.



I realize this is completely unrelated, but look at all the horrible things people do to their poodles. Sadistic.



but this one is kind of super mega awesome times the square root of wow. just a little bit, though.

8. the devilock: popularized by the punk band the Misfits, this style consists of dark hair (preferably as oily and dirty-looking as you can possibly manage, please) being teased forward into a point on the wearer’s forehead. This one scares me, too. I desperately fear being attacked from both sides by a dreadlock and a devilock.

9. the shining star of the world of sadlarious hairstyles… the mullet! This was made famous by Billy Ray Cyrus and even came with its own catchphrase (“Business in the front, a party in the back!”). My own twin brother, desperately in need of a haircut, is beginning to grow his own mini-mullet. This fact genuinely upsets him.

10. liberty spikes: this may be the first legitimately dangerous hairstyle I’ve seen. You could poke an eye out with those!