In Other News...

The following are all actual newspaper headlines.

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, it May last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Deer Kill 17,000

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

5^th-Graders Get to Grill Lions

Autos Killing 110 a Day; Let’s Resolve to Do Better

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn’t Seen in Years

Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday

Child’s Stool Great for Use in Garden

Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing

Grandmother of 8 Makes Hole in One

Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

Kicking Baby Considered to be Healthy

Robber Holds Up Albert’s Hosiery

Smokers are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Stiff Opposition Expected for Casketless Funeral Plan

William Kelly was Fed Secretary

Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder

Never Withhold Herpes from Loved One

NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach

Royals to Get a Taste of Angels’ Colon

Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons

Skywalkers in Korea Cross Han Solo

Man Executed After Long Speech

Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism

 (the woman they are referring to is councilwoman Laura Chick)

Threat Disrupts Plans to Meet About Threats

Alton Attorney Accidentally Sues Himself

County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds

Volunteers Search for Old Civil War Planes

 (Yeah, so… let me know how that goes, guys.)

Army Vehicle Disappears

An Australian Army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with 

camouflage.

Meeting on Open Meetings is Closed

DOE to do NEPA’s EIS on BNFL’s AMWTP at INEEL after SRA Protest

Waterford Boy, 8, Saves Sister’s Life

“I wouldn’t do it again. She’s been a pain this week.”

Utah Poison Control Center Reminds Everyone Not to Take Poison

Local Child Wins Gun From Fundraiser

House Passes Gas Tax On to Senate

Two Convicts Evade Noose; Jury Hung

Air Head Fired Steals Clocks, Faces Time

Psychics Predict World Didn’t End Yesterday

Sun or Rain Expected Today; Dark Tonight

Soap and Water Still Cleans Well

Statistics Show That Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25

Fisherman Arrested for Using Wife as Shark Bait

Specialist: Electric Chair Can Be “Extremely Painful”

Tips to Avoid Alligator Attacks

-Don’t swim in waters inhabited by large alligators.

Due to the lack of interest by friends and relatives, the birthday party for Becky Pritchard has 

been cancelled.

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Death Causes Loneliness, Feelings of Isolation

4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves

L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal by Landslide

Lack of Brains Hinders Research

Lawyer Says Client is not that Guilty

Old School Pillars are replaced by Alumni

Patient at Death’s Door, Doctors Pull Him Through

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Woman Improving After Fatal Crash

Workers Finish Boring Sewer Tunnel

Dear Abby

The following are actual letters sent to Dear Abby, a well-known advice column found in a majority of newspapers, whether it be local or national. Because idiots need help, too.

Dear Abby,

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

 Dear Abby,

I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who was been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

And now for a few short back-and-forths in order to showcase the wonderfully sassy Abigail Van Buren, the author of the column,

Dear Abby,

My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I’d like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he’d like?

Dear Carol,

Never mind what he’d like. Give him a tie.

Dear Abby,

Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?

Dear Wondering,

The baby was on time, the wedding was late.

Dear Abby,

I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?

Dear Sam in California,

Yes. Run for public office.

Dear Abby,

What inspires you most to write?

Dear Ted,

The Bureau of International Revenue.

Dear Abby,

What’s the difference between a wife and a mistress?

Dear Bess,

Night and day.

Dear Abby,

My husband hates to spend money! I cut my own hair and make my own clothes, and I have to account for every nickel I spend. Meanwhile he has a stock of savings bonds put away that would choke a cow. How do I get some money out of him before we are both called to our final judgment? He says he’s saving for a rainy day.

Dear Forty Years Hitched,

Tell him it’s raining.

Dear Abby,

I know boys will be boys, but my “boy” is seventy-three and he’s still chasing women. Any suggestions?

Dear Annie,

Don’t worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn’t know what to do with it.

Dear Abby,

I am a forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.

Dear Rose,

So would I.

And for the finale… This sparkler, which was dubbed as Letter of the Month by Abby herself.

Dear Abby,

I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs… Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive, although I can hear a car setting off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she comes home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the rocker boxes on my engine seem to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks, Jim             

Get Down With the Sickness (Idiocy is a Disease)

The following are all taken from actual medical patients’ records.

Because sadlariosity is a sickness.

“On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day, it disappeared.”

“The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.”

“The patient refused autopsy.”

“Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.”

“Patient is numb from her toes down.”

“She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.”

“Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.”                                                       

“Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.”

“Patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.”

“By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.”

“Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.”

“Discharge status: alive but without permission.”

“Patient expired on the floor uneventfully.”

“The patient was in his usual good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.”

“The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.”

“Patient is still under our car for physical therapy.”

“The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.”

“I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.” (…I truly do not understand what sort of medical issue could possibly lead to this advice being given)

“The bugs that grew out of her urine were cultures in Casualty and are not available. I WILL FIND THEM!”

Why I'll Never Be a 911 Dispatcher. Ever.

Continuing our exploration of the connection between stupidity/sadlariosity: the following are transcripts of conversations between dispatchers and panicked civilians from actual 911 calls.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1, what is your emergency?

Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.

Dispatcher: Excuse me?

Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table, and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.

Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?

Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!

D: 9-1-1, what is the nature of your emergency?

C: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.

D: This is nine eleven.

C: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.

D: Yes, ma’am, nine-one-one and nine eleven are the same thing.

C: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

D: 9-1-1, what is your emergency?

C: Hi, is this the police?

D: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?

C: Well, I don’t know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I’ve never cooked one before.

D: 9-1-1. What is the nature of your emergency?

C: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.

D: Is this her first child?

C: No, this is her husband.

D: 9-1-1.

C: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. I think I’m going to pass out.

D: Sir, where are you calling from?

C: I’m at a pay phone. North and foster.

D; Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

C; No.

D: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

C: Running from the police.

C: I’d like to make a unanimous complaint, so don’t use my name.

C: Could you send the police to my house?

D: What’s wrong there?

C: I called and someone answered the phone, but I’m not there.

C: Is it okay for a civilian to take a person to the hospital, or does the ambulance have to do it?

C (upon realizing the police were on their way): Get the keg outta here, dude!

C: He’s not breathing!

D: Can you get the phone close to him?

C: Why? You want to hear he’s not breathing, too?

Complaint about a stolen mailbox:

D: What is your address?

C: It’s gone.

D: 9-1-1, what is your emergency?

C: Yes, we just got to our hotel room and there are four of us here, but we only have enough towels for two.

D: This is 9-1-1, ma’am.

C: Yes, well, what am I supposed to do?

D: Have you tried the hotel operator?

D: 9-1-1, fire or emergency?

C: Oh, I would have to say emergency.

D: What’s the problem, ma’am?

C: There’s a fight going on. It’s… down there… I can see them through my window. They’re in the parking lot. Oh, there’s lots of yelling. They’re cursing, too.

D: Can you describe who’s fighting, please?

C: I’ll try. There’s one man, and he’s dressed like Elvis Presley. He’s kicking another man who’s laying on the ground and screaming, “You ain’t nothing but a hound dog.”

C (regarding his wife): I’ve tried to strangle her about four different ways. She won’t die.

D: Why are you trying to kill her?

C: Because I don’t like her.

D: Why not just divorce her?

C: Isn’t it a lot easier just to kill her? But she won’t die. God, she keeps breathing.