tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-49017256277943233692024-03-13T06:18:07.663-07:00This is Why Nobody Likes UsSwaggerWagonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12347006575063202974noreply@blogger.comBlogger56125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4901725627794323369.post-25941508234446168892011-06-04T09:40:00.000-07:002011-06-04T09:40:33.440-07:00Like, Bye and Stuff<!--[if !mso]> <style>
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<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Despite all of the whining I’ve done this year, I really have enjoyed writing this blog. It was the most free form of expression we were given in AP Lang, and while it did seem like a burden most of the time, it was really an excellent opportunity to just write whatever the hell we wanted. And who knows? Maybe I’ll write a little more on it in the future, when I just feel like writing something for fun or when there’s nothing good on TV. Thanks to my readers. Both of you were greatly appreciated all throughout the year, as it’s always nice to know that there’s a possibility that somebody out there is reading your work. Thanks for everything. Now please enjoy this photo of cats hugging as my final offering to you.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgA2CO6lrpvVHzSaB57E6XofvWfhQ7pAw5gEohz0RATtwqbmepfC9e2GSSShz8RZzzg2k528uyPZosilSfWW5Grp_igcIFXMbSS1ZRpb3C0MxL9gVz-rn5a4l9KdN7Td5s50c66F5k1Fvnb/s1600/jhgsdfg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgA2CO6lrpvVHzSaB57E6XofvWfhQ7pAw5gEohz0RATtwqbmepfC9e2GSSShz8RZzzg2k528uyPZosilSfWW5Grp_igcIFXMbSS1ZRpb3C0MxL9gVz-rn5a4l9KdN7Td5s50c66F5k1Fvnb/s1600/jhgsdfg.jpg" /></a></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"><br />
</span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"></span></div>SwaggerWagonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12347006575063202974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4901725627794323369.post-87030878670710046352011-06-04T09:33:00.000-07:002011-06-04T09:33:19.045-07:00Confessions<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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</style> <![endif]--> <div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">My favorite song is “Aaron’s Party” by Aaron Carter, circa 2000. I am not claiming this to be condescending and ironic. I genuinely love this song.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">There are few things in this world I love more than my cat. Oftentimes, I worry that in the case of a fire or tornado, I would make the subconscious decision to save her instead of one of my human family members.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. Zero.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">I loathe change of any kind. I’ll admit I fought back tears upon being unexpectedly confronted with the New Facebook.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">I’m not the best driver. Not that I have a record or anything to show for it, but I tend to be more focused on singing along or telling an excellent story to passengers than I am on, ahem, staying in my lane.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">I hate reading books that aren’t funny. They just bore me to no end.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">I’m terrified of growing older.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Zombies make me more uncomfortable than any other form of monster, mutated human, etc.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">I have a slight obsession with ginger cats and male human gingers. Can’t explain it.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">I think comedy, specifically stand-up, is the greatest art form in the world.</span></div>SwaggerWagonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12347006575063202974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4901725627794323369.post-21160644107482718102011-06-04T09:15:00.000-07:002011-06-04T09:15:02.559-07:00Washington, D.C.- the Nation's Disappointment Capital<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">This past Thursday, I returned home from a trip to Washington, D.C. It was a band trip; we were originally supposed to go to Hawaii this year, but we were invited to march in the Memorial Day parade, which is a pretty hefty deal, I guess. Now, normally, I try to appreciate things like this and avoid an excessive amount of complaining, whining, bitching, what have you, but I had (and am still having) a very difficult time appreciating this trip. This trip, for lack of a more diplomatic phrase, sucked like a Hoover. Confused? All will be explained in due time. I now invite you to follow me into a more detailed explanation of the severe suckage.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">DAY ONE: WE BEGIN OUR JOURNEY TO THE NATION’S ANTI-FUN CAPITAL </span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Arrive at school at 3:45 am. Suckage is fairly self-explanatory here.</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Buses leave at 4:30 am. I am stuck with the window seat. This seat is only coveted in an airplane situation, as all it means on land is that you are sealed off completely from all other occupants of the bus and are provided with the sole activity of watching the dreary Iowa landscape roll by. Oh, and did I mention that this is an 18-hour bus ride?</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Frequent breaks at rest stops throughout the day. Normally, this would be quite nice. However, I, much like everybody else, feel compelled to purchase food each and every time we stop, regardless of whether or not I am the least bit hungry. My spending money is disappearing quickly, a sickly feeling that cannot be cured by the sweet taste of my fifth unnecessary Dr. Pepper purchase today.</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Hoping to make the trip appear to go by faster, the chaperones decide it’s Movie Time. Unfortunately, all but one student neglected to bring movies. And all this student has is the entire Harry Potter series. Normally this would be perfectly fine, but we are all in the mood for a comedy, and watching Harry narrowly escape death again and again grows tiresome.</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">We have finally arrived at the hotel. As we impatiently tap our toes and contemplate usage of the emergency exit overhead, our director drones on and on about, basically, how difficult it will be to have fun on this trip. He tells us that it will be unbearably hot all week, and that everyone needs to be preparing for the parade tomorrow, the hellishness of which cannot possibly be described to you. We all trudge off the bus and head to our hotel rooms, considering the idea of doing something bad enough to be sent home more and more actively each second.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">DAY TWO: HELL VISITS EARTH FOR A DAY</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">After an unfulfilling and questionably sanitary continental breakfast at our hotel, we head over to Mount Vernon, Washington’s childhood home. It’s pretty hot out for being just 8:30, but this is quickly forgotten, as Washington’s home is conveniently air-conditioned. Veddy nice. </span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">However, by the time the tour is over, the temperature outside appears to have increased tenfold. It is now teetering on hellish. Of course, it is at this time that my group decides they want to wander around outside and look at absolutely everything. This is the exact opposite of what I want. No matter how hard I try, I just cannot seem to force myself to be interested in these monuments. It’s not that I can’t appreciate the historical significance, it’s just that I don’t care. Whatsoever. Monuments are cool to look at for, like, three minutes. After that point in time, all I care about is the fact that I am sweating like a pig and being fried to a crisp in the sun. A building is a building, and I find it hard to be impressed by architecture or design. I’m more interested in the people aspect of these monuments. For example, inside Mount Vernon, we were shown the bed in which Washington took his last breath. That sort of thing is interesting to me- fascinating, even. In order to be impressed, I need to know how the building or structure related to interesting people. Therefore, monument-wise, Mount Vernon was the most interesting thing we saw all week, in my point of view.</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">After a significant amount of whining and begging, I persuade my group to go inside. It turns out to be a ridiculously long journey, in which the slowest walkers in all of D.C. appear to have been hired solely to mosey along in front of us in lines six or seven people across.</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">We arrive inside at the start of a museum about Washington. This is actually pretty enjoyable, as they have done some admittedly cool things with the exhibits, and like most things in life, was made more fun by our inability to take things seriously. </span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">After grabbing some wildly overpriced lunch, we get back on the buses and head to Pennsylvania Avenue to get ready for the parade. Now, the parade experience overall wouldn’t have been half as bad if we hadn’t had roughly an hour and a half to two hours of just waiting around outside. The heat was horrendous even for those wearing only t-shirts and shorts, but we were wearing full wool uniforms and hats. One student was forced to leave the parade on a cart, and at least ten students from our band were treated for dehydration or heat exhaustion afterwards. My brother even saw on a nighttime news report about heat exhaustion that four kids from another band were sent to the hospital. So no, I am not exaggerating.</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">After being taken back to the hotel to shower and freshen up, we were taken to dinner at Phillip’s Seafood Buffet. Questionable cleanliness, but very good food. We were then taken on a walking tour by our ride-along tour guide, John, who amazed us by becoming increasingly irritating, surpassing an irritation level we never even thought possible, throughout the week.</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">We started at the Jefferson Memorial, which I only enjoyed because my brother has seen a news story announcing that it is now illegal to dance there. This is 100%; look it up for yourself. In the video Kyle showed me, a protestor is dancing at the memorial, and a police officer is warning him, “This is your last chance.” The protestor looks the officer in the eye and defiantly does the robot. The officer then grabs the protestor around the waist and flips him to the ground. Needless to say, it’s the best news story I’ve ever seen.</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">We then trudged around the Lincoln Memorial, as well as the Vietnam vet memorial. Did you know the temperature can remain above 95 degrees, even at 10 pm?</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0.25in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol;"><span><span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">The rest of the week revolved around a similar chain of events: John takes us to a monument and drones on about it, then leaves us there for far too much time. The monuments take longer than expected, so they cut the time we would’ve gotten to spend doing something fun, like shopping. </span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">It would be unfair of me if I neglected to mention the one truly fun thing we did all week: the dinner dance cruise. We didn’t have to look at monuments or listen to John talk, and it was air-conditioned. It was bliss. Pure bliss.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">This is a poem I wrote for my creative writing class my sophomore year. Normally, I would be incredibly embarrassed by something like this, but it got a grade of 100% from the esteemed Mr. Moran. I cannot possibly express to you what an accomplishment this is. A 100% from Mr. Moran is the equivalent of roughly 120% from any other, less judgmental teacher. This still remains the source of a great deal of pride for me; I recently had it engraved on a solid gold plaque blessed by the Dalai Lama. So with that, please enjoy the most notable thing I have ever done. Note: it is written in iambic quadrameter, meaning that each line contains four “feet” employing a “da DUM da DUM” rhythm. I am only mentioning this so I can attempt to convince you that, no, this poem was not pulled entirely from my ass, but did in fact require some effort.</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">You see that llama over there?</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">His name is Mister Timbuktu</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Although this judgment is unfair,</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I’m pretty sure he’s stalking you</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He follows you to school, to work</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He always knows just where you are</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Behind you he will always lurk</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He sleeps inside your rusty car</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">With stealth and grace, he shadows you</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He’s always there, one step behind</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He followed you home from the zoo</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">You are the one he’ll always find</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">At night when you drift off to sleep</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He likes to listen to you snore</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">So skilled he doesn’t make a peep</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He paces ‘round your well-worn floor</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">And you- so dense! So unaware!</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He never leaves your [clueless] side</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He wants to brush your greasy hair</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">To dance with you- to twirl, to glide!</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">As I tell you this twisted tale,</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Your face turns to a crimson red</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">And now it’s draining, turning pale</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">You’re out the door, you’ve turned and fled</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The llama watches with despair</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">His eyes fill up with heavy tears</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Forlornly, he eats more éclairs</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He chases them with four more beers</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">You hear that noise- that breaking sound?</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The llama’s heart is shattering</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">It’s falling now, straight to the ground</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He’d hoped you’d find this flattering</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He hopes you’re not afraid of him</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He loves you more than you can know</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">For you he would risk life and limb</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">This llama wants to be your beau</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Although you may feel you’ve been wronged,</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">It’s really not the llama’s fault</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">You’re just the one for which he’s longed</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He sadly douses corn with salt</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Just please don’t think that he’s insane</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">You didn’t need to be so mean</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">You could’ve stopped, let him explain</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Instead, you freaked and caused a scene</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He’s been inside your house, your rooms</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He’s been inside your school, your bed</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He’s been inside your car that zooms</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">But YOU’RE the one inside his head</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div>SwaggerWagonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12347006575063202974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4901725627794323369.post-44985075465486915852011-04-24T20:12:00.002-07:002011-04-24T20:12:59.619-07:00Look Very Closely...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj34QEGh7Qo3Mly-Lkamlnp2_J-Jo1Rj5wWt4PpHgOxomypCD0JzyQf4ew_Db3_k1IN9_2FRjZoqR0orIaVusEYgZ37v8uUpTtZpwvsZ_dmMTvgl83DBx-QXnwFy6bu_cc5x7kY9bR-_Rva/s1600/one-black-guy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj34QEGh7Qo3Mly-Lkamlnp2_J-Jo1Rj5wWt4PpHgOxomypCD0JzyQf4ew_Db3_k1IN9_2FRjZoqR0orIaVusEYgZ37v8uUpTtZpwvsZ_dmMTvgl83DBx-QXnwFy6bu_cc5x7kY9bR-_Rva/s640/one-black-guy.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>SwaggerWagonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12347006575063202974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4901725627794323369.post-25825444448774571022011-04-24T20:12:00.000-07:002011-04-24T20:12:25.539-07:00Shut Up and Be Glad This is Not Your Family<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5rBfyBYfNr65VU_ZkTu-jQKsaaXJ1bmfG1PgF3HhKXbwvCfDyunG0JiQX8bl9QZx9M1_KZvvuUddawcy8q446ovZl8pdHvIhHB4m4qUuR2fbDZaEscChHPVnmiTWHIgDaHD4VjqLmLqGS/s1600/ynCeU.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5rBfyBYfNr65VU_ZkTu-jQKsaaXJ1bmfG1PgF3HhKXbwvCfDyunG0JiQX8bl9QZx9M1_KZvvuUddawcy8q446ovZl8pdHvIhHB4m4qUuR2fbDZaEscChHPVnmiTWHIgDaHD4VjqLmLqGS/s320/ynCeU.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>SwaggerWagonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12347006575063202974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4901725627794323369.post-19070067755959774382011-04-24T20:11:00.001-07:002011-04-24T20:11:46.523-07:00You're Welcome<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1NwyuiwPKjb0Pb5cTEhrBjnx8KKzfF6JZ3zwQoAvuY9ZZ3vVQEV4py_ogINuUoXbVDS6AypJM3BRoijnVgY3x9rDl1v8ykI8K7AJwdqKWx_Bq82_pDHYzm1xdzPs3008yxhHhtZd5Ay46/s1600/tumblr_lj95xffce51qcgoteo1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="207" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1NwyuiwPKjb0Pb5cTEhrBjnx8KKzfF6JZ3zwQoAvuY9ZZ3vVQEV4py_ogINuUoXbVDS6AypJM3BRoijnVgY3x9rDl1v8ykI8K7AJwdqKWx_Bq82_pDHYzm1xdzPs3008yxhHhtZd5Ay46/s320/tumblr_lj95xffce51qcgoteo1_500.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>SwaggerWagonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12347006575063202974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4901725627794323369.post-27869067623924759882011-04-24T20:10:00.000-07:002011-04-24T20:10:53.454-07:00Well, This is Awkward...<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It seems I have successfully filled my word quota... So please enjoy this series of entertaining photos culled from the vast expanses of the internet especially for you.</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinPyCMXqC0YpDcKzWNTZ5OamVPpX1Yh4s5Y4YijC6JPKOpbUhdaBQU3grv1EQ2kgsa2Hdzy6GD57RmaBjgdpIryj4WXeJXIYWXg_VytnUs7-1gZibGY8gJSDc_WppnPjIrTmFvmN9nvNKK/s1600/scared+cat.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinPyCMXqC0YpDcKzWNTZ5OamVPpX1Yh4s5Y4YijC6JPKOpbUhdaBQU3grv1EQ2kgsa2Hdzy6GD57RmaBjgdpIryj4WXeJXIYWXg_VytnUs7-1gZibGY8gJSDc_WppnPjIrTmFvmN9nvNKK/s400/scared+cat.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span>SwaggerWagonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12347006575063202974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4901725627794323369.post-88193428922344123592011-04-24T18:49:00.000-07:002011-05-20T07:55:07.273-07:00A Day in the Life<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">3:57 am-<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>shaken from slumber by sound of tiny paws frantically scratching (the term “scratching” is used loosely here, as the aforementioned tiny paws have been declawed. The sound more closely resembles that which would be generated by someone who is stranded on a desert island with only a pair of maracas and a desperate need to flag down a plane passing overhead)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">4:02 am- as per usual, feigning ignorance did no good whatsoever and the cat is not giving up. Stumble lethargically to the door, open it just a crack, and whisper, very sternly and forcefully, “You are the most annoying cat in the whole world. GO.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>AWAY.” Hover imposingly over the unfazed cat, who does somersaults and meows as loudly as tiny vocal chords will allow.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">4:04 am- retreat back to bed and go back to sleep, trying to ignore cat sitting creepily at the foot of the bed and staring at me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">5:30 am- first alarm of the day sounds. I have set it early with the earnest intentions of getting up and straightening my hair. However, I once again talk myself out of the extra effort, citing excuses such as, “Today’s a half day. Not worth it.” And “It’s supposed to rain today, anyway.”Check to see if cat is still sitting there (she is) and roll over, returning to sleep.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">6:20 am- having somehow managed to ignore both of the alarms I had set for between 5:30 and now, I am jolted awake by the sound of Kyle’s alarm in the adjacent room. This is when I absolutely NEED to get up, and I am often thrown into a state of panic by this sound. Sprinting to bathroom soon commences.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">6:35 am- shower completed right on time; panic has subsided. I open the door to find the cat, as I do daily, sitting immediately outside the bathroom door, continuing to stare at me. She appears to accept her name- Shadow- as more of an occupation than a mere name. An occupation she takes very seriously, as she will demonstrate to me by being irritatingly omnipresent for the rest of the morning.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">7:10 am- my brother and I are technically “supposed” to leave for school in ten minutes. However, this has not been executed successfully since the first day of school. Even so, I feel a great sense of urgency every morning when the clock approaches 7:20. This is what causes me to come flying down the stairs and into the kitchen to drag the dog outside for a walk (the only exercise our dog gets is two walks, roughly ten minutes in length, per day. This is seen as highly disgraceful by our retired neighbors the Grays, who walk their dog at least six times a day) </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">7:25- still outside with the dog, who has failed to “do her business” as of yet. I am beyond Panic and have crossed definitively over into Fury. I stomp angrily through the neighborhood, hissing a steady stream of expletives at the eight-pound dog happily waddling along beside me. Worried that my neighbors might think I am an animal abuser, I occasionally stoop to pick up the dog and give her a brief, halfhearted hug.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">7:35 am- burst dramatically through the front door and begin to gather all of the things necessary for school that I have yet again failed to pack up the night before. As this takes place, my brother stands in the center of the kitchen armed with skeptically raised eyebrows and an impatiently tapping foot.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">7:40 am- board Thugmuffin (our ’97 Honda Civic who we believe secretly hates us) and head off for school. We may only begin driving after Brother spends an incredibly frustrating amount of time sifting through his assorted pretentious indie CDs in order to make the three-minute drive as enjoyable as possible. When I suggest he consider labeling his CDs in order to make them identifiable without first having to play them, he shrugs and makes a pretentious grunting noise. I hate him.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">7:43 am- arrive in school parking lot, where, contrary to the desperate fear Brother has expressed regarding the limited number of parking space, there is, in fact, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>absolutely no shortage of places to park. Whatever. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">7:44 am- our friend Dakota pulls up. He and Kyle think it’s cute to pretend to hate me. I think it’s annoying that they think it’s cute.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">7:47 am- have dejectedly resorted to walking by myself. Being an exceptionally slow walker (average pace, tiny steps), I have trouble keeping up with Kyle and Dakota’s gargantuan steps. I attempt for a short while to keep up by speed-walking behind them and occasionally yelping out, “Wait! Hey, wait for me!”, but eventually fall victim to a great wave of self-consciousness and an overwhelming desire to avoid looking foolish. I slow down and try to look like I am only walking at this glacial pace because I am so absorbed in texting all 4,000 of my cool friends.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">7:50 am- arrive in the band hall. Glare at Kyle and Dakota. I am menacing.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">First hour (Band)- I don’t want to talk about it,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Second hour (AP Lang)- the sternest admonition we ever receive in this class is an arched brow and an exasperated utterance of the word “children”. It’sSoMuchFun.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Third Hour (AP US)- as my older brother, who took this class with the same teacher in his high school days, describes: “He [the teacher] does a stand-up routine loosely related to the subject matter, then gives you a worksheet.” It’sSlightlyLessFunThanAPLangButStillFunNonetheless.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Lunch- I return to the band hall with my lunch and experience the daily pang of shock when I see Brother’s backpack is there, but the owner is nowhere in sight. Despite the fact that he has never once been there when I’ve returned with my lunch, I still insist on looking wildly around the room and wailing, “Where’s my brother?!”, a question that is no longer dignified with a response. I choose my seat based<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>on the content of the conversations different groups of people are having. Nine times out of ten, I will go with the group that is A) gossiping, B) making fun of someone, or C) both. Brother will eventually arrive with his lunch, occasionally armed with two lunches, in fact, and I will hastily push backpacks and trays out of the way to make room for him. I will pitifully squeak, “Hi, Kyle!” and pat the ground next to me. He will ignore me completely and I will watch, horrified, as he walks right past me and plops down next to someone who is NOT his twin. I will pout for approximately ten seconds, then grudgingly get up and shuffle over to sit with him. I was not aware that this was a daily occurrence until it was pointed out to me last week by Lunch Buddy Brian, though his version was rather abbreviated: “You save a seat for him but then he doesn’t love you and you freak out.” Indeed, Brian. Indeed.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Fourth Hour (Chem)- Our student teacher is from a town called Big Ugly. This makes it hard for </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">me to take her seriously. This is class is also incredibly boring. This makes it hard for me to take it seriously. In lieu of listening/learning, I draw pictures featuring my name written in a decorative fashion. I must have an entire notebook full of pictures of my name. I could easily plant said notebook in someone else’s backpack and frame them as my stalker.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which would be hilarious. It’sNotFun.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Fifth Hour (Alegbra)- I hate this class. Not only is it boring, but Brother is also in this class. Normally this would be cause for delight, but he is significantly better at all that mathematical jazz than I am and loves to gloat. I hate him.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Sixth Hour (Spanish)- Señor makes fun of people AND sells candy. SoMuchFun.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">2:50pm - It is at this point in the day that I come to the grim realization that my prayers to Mother Nature have not been received yet again, and she has failed to provide rain in order to force tennis practice to be canceled. She is probably too busy pestering Serena Williams about her period. I am what you could call a Circumstantial Tennis Player. I have waivers for first and second term, but in order to avoid gym class for third term, I am required to take a sport. Hence the circumstantial tennis playing. I have technically known how to play tennis since I was eight or nine years old. I should probably be approaching pro level. However, I continue to play at a level in which celebration is called for when I successfully land the ball in the court. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">4:30 pm- Tennis practice is over. I try not to look the coaches in the eye.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">4:40 pm- If I rush home, I can catch the last half of Tosh.0. It’s like catching the bouquet at a wedding, only less awkward and more important.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">5:15 pm- Steve (Dad) is home. Ew. Becky (Mom) doesn’t allow me to call her by her real name (to her face, at least), but Steve has no problem with it. Therefore, I end up referring to them as Mom and Steve, which she hates even more, as it makes them sound like a “Second-Marriage Couple.” I also enjoy switching it up occasionally in favor of Ma and Pa. Becky also dislikes this.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">6:00 pm- Becky is home. Now the party can really start. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">6:30 pm- Family dinner. Gag me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">7:00 pm- Time to watch TV with Becky. Our favorite shows include Castle (a crime show starring Nathan Fillion, who my father has clearly demonstrated is held in very high regard in geek culture), Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution (faithful viewers since the first season a few years ago, we loved Jamie <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">before </i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>we watched the TED Talk in AP Lang. Posers), the Middle, Modern Family, and the Mentalist. Becky also watched NCIS: Los Angeles, but she claims she doesn’t like it and only watches it because there is nothing else on. This is absolute hogwash.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">8:30 pm- Time to start my homework. This is soon followed by grumbling and whining about how much homework I have, then a complete disregard for Becky’s suggestion that I start sooner. I silently denounce her credibility- she doesn’t understand how important After-School TV Time really is.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">10:30 pm- I head off to bed with roughly 60% of my homework completed, figuring I’ll do it during lunch or a boring class. I’m a really excellent student.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">11:05 pm- Cat’s here.</span></div>SwaggerWagonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12347006575063202974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4901725627794323369.post-66526798831671347732011-04-03T22:29:00.000-07:002011-04-05T10:50:20.211-07:00If Only<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Despite the fact that I author a blog devoted almost entirely to the cause of mocking people, I tend to suppress that sharp edge when trapped in the restricting confines of civil social interactions. In line at the store, walking through the hallways, serving customers at work… I force myself to stand idly by while idiocy occurs in spades all around me. A debilitating, ruthless remark, quip, or comment resides on the edge of my bitter tongue, but I take the high road and simply enjoy a well-deserved bout of smirking and skeptical/incredulous eyebrow movements (“Really?”). This isn’t exactly a conscious decision, but rather a decision made <i>for</i> me by my timidly passive nature, overwhelming fear of confrontation, and a desperate need to be liked by others. If I could only be so bold, I would relentlessly fling shame and embarrassment at those being foolish enough to deserve such; I would be a supervillain with the evilest of evilly evil powers: cutting sarcasm and a complete disregard for the self-esteem of others. However, the thought of being mean to a stranger (what if they’re going through a really rough time? What if <i>their cat just died?</i>) makes me feel a little dead inside, so this supervillain will remain safely, if reluctantly, contained.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Besides, I worry I even lack the capacity, the wit, the quick thinking to be a very effective supervillain. If anything, the comments I would come up with would be subpar at best, as I’ve never been much of an in-the-moment aficionado. I prefer to plan things well in advance, and any unexpected occurrence leaves me more shaken than a Polaroid picture (BOOOOM.) Any impromptu comment would most likely be nervously stammered as I blushed fervently and looked with great interest at the ground (which probably has better comedic timing than myself). </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">In light of the realization that this supervillain gig won’t quite work out, I’ve made a compromise. I’ve decided all I want is one Moment. One instance in which I can absolutely destroy someone with a single bazinga (Big Bang Theory, anyone?). It will have to be expertly crafted and flawlessly delivered, and I want it to be heard and widely appreciated by everyone in the vicinity. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">When I imagine this taking place, it all invariably goes down, for some reason, in the checkout line at CVS. I will be casually checking my phone, perhaps reading the sacred text that is a tweet from Bo Burnham and pretending that he is texting me personally, when I hear it. When I hear what has <i>got </i>to be the stupidest effing thing I have ever heard in all my life. I will freeze for a 1.654 milliseconds- no more, no less- then I will slide my phone into my pocket, square my shoulders, and unleash hell. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I look up, sporting the coolly disinterested expression finely honed over years of disdain for those around me, make eye contact with the soon-to-be victim, open my mouth and… GHSHAKHFHJSKSKS there it goes. The wittiest thing one could have possibly said in such a situation, and it emanating from the mouth of an awkward pale girl with unfortunately bushy hair. There is silence as all the air is sucked from the room, then released almost as instantaneously as it was taken in, as all who bore witness revel in the moment and laugh their posteriors off at the person who has now officially claimed the title of Dumbest Person at a CVS checkout. I will bask in the warmth of their guffaws, not even minding that the middle-aged man purchasing three six-packs of beer, a box of Honey Buns, and what looks like an industrial-size vat of kitty litter is laughing so messily that he is raining spittle down on the poor Pillow Pets. As the shame and humiliation peaks, contrasting with our jubilant condescension, I will hold a steely gaze, staring straight into the deflated soul of my victim. I raise an eyebrow slightly (the left one- my right eyebrow is codependent and won’t move by itself for love or for money), blink twice, and nonchalantly return my attention to the phone in my pocket. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As I exit the store, I will graciously and modestly accept the praise of my now reverent fans, swearing I only said aloud what everyone else was thinking (but secretly doubting any of these commoners could be as brilliant as I). I breeze through the automatic doors, as even these portals to the world bow down at my feet, and make my way to my car. I slide into the driver’s seat, start up the engine, and begin to ironically bump some Aaron Carter jamz at full blast through my speakers. I slide sunniest of yellow hipster shades onto my face and stare defiantly at the sun, watching scramble for cover behind the clouds under the raw power of my stare. I back swiftly out of the parking spot, and as I face forward, I find myself face-to-face with my victim, still recovering from the trauma of it all. They are crossing the parking lot, and are now standing directly in the way of my front bumper. I turn my music up even more and watch as they nervously move out of the way, looking pathetic and awkward as they do. I laugh ruefully and, as I make my way out into traffic, I cement the greatest phrase I’ve ever uttered into the creases and corners of my mind.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">GHSHAKHFHJSKSKS</span></div>SwaggerWagonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12347006575063202974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4901725627794323369.post-45586740378586651092011-04-03T20:17:00.000-07:002011-04-03T20:17:08.398-07:00Well, This is AwkwardErm... looks like I've filled my 1200-word quota for the week.<br />
<br />
So please be amused by this picture of a fat ginger cat.<br />
<br />
If not, I can be amused by it enough for all of us. <br />
<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLglwJAxpdcErJ2mraZmVEng8CFntcE78pKujnYWpwSmCwjQd_9fJn3vI2K3TtqtVPNVQ4eSoP7jbKxEEZdvcxs1bWMkus41loReL4_OzGliw7j8NIeH6ql1w2dV_feMEV_WRQJrELAsem/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLglwJAxpdcErJ2mraZmVEng8CFntcE78pKujnYWpwSmCwjQd_9fJn3vI2K3TtqtVPNVQ4eSoP7jbKxEEZdvcxs1bWMkus41loReL4_OzGliw7j8NIeH6ql1w2dV_feMEV_WRQJrELAsem/s1600/images.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I want one.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>SwaggerWagonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12347006575063202974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4901725627794323369.post-37608940634525138512011-04-03T20:14:00.000-07:002011-04-03T20:14:21.415-07:00tWITter<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">When discussing Twitter, most people describe it as a means of sharing unimportant, boring, and irrelevant details ABOUT ONE’S LIFE. It is disregarded as useless and stupid, catering only to those who have nothing better to do than read the minute details of the lives of their favorite celebrities and/or peers who feel their lives are important enough to share with <i>the entire internet.</i> What these people are forgetting is that Twitter has placed no ban on tweeting things of some intellectual value.<span> </span>The public nature of Twitter allows users to share the wittiest, sharpest things they can pack into 140 characters instantaneously. This accessibility to that wide variety and high quality of finely honed humor has created a new breed of humor altogether. The following tweets are from a book I just finished reading called Twitter Wit. It is a compilation of “the most memorable and hilarious tweets to date” and it makes me wish I could be half as funny as these people.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">London City airport. Where form meets function. AND THEY HAVE A FIGHT.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">@stephenfry</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I get the impression that the Fat Acceptance movement is more about acceptance than it is movement.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">@strutting</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I fell victim to a Fonzie scheme. My financial advisor kept flashing me the thumbs-up and saying “Aaaaay!” And calling me Richie.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">@rsmallbone</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Did you just fart?” “Well, I didn’t *just* fart; there was pageantry and tradition.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">@Notactuallyme</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Dear McDonald’s: I don’t care *who* sings it, there is no such thing as “that McNuggets lovin’.” Ew ew ew ew ew. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">@dbecher</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The face-painting at the birthday party this morning was subpar. One girl asked for Tiger and got Surprised Basketball instead.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">@bcompton</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Uggs: the onomatopoeia of footwear.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">@poeks</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Apparently “You don’t have an interview somewhere else, do you?” is the new “You look nice today.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">@EntropyAS</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">PERSONAL FAVORITE:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The three worst mistakes you can make are overpromising and underdelivering.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">@dwineman</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">What’s the difference between Gary Busey and fruitcake? Fruitcake doesn’t always have rum in it.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">@thedayhascome</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Heading on Amtrak from Seattle to Portland. I’m looking forward to revealing to everyone soon that they are on a sing-along train.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">@EugeneMirman</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Why aren’t martini glasses shaped so that they don’t spill so easily on the bus?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">@pagecrusher</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Worst-case scenario, Roomba edition: dog poo on the floor. ‘Nuf said. :-(</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">@motomike</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Swallowed a fly earlier. I know I can get it out. If only I could remember what comes after goat.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">@eyeteegee</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Having a tribal tattoo is like having a wallet chain that you are never, ever allowed to take off.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">@bluelanugo</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Family will be here in two hours. There are not nearly enough spaces to hide things in this apartment. It’s like I’m playing Shame Tetris.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> @zolora</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Fact: every time Barbara Walters makes someone cry with her first question, she gets an extra life.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">@gordonshumway</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I keep a record of EVERYTHING<span> </span>coworkers tell me. If I had a nickel for every time they told me to stop doing thing, I’d have exactly $12.45.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">@rafitorres</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">This week is so slow whoever plays it in a movie will win an Oscar.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">@badbanana</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I really wish customs agents would stop trying to punk me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">@aplusk (Ashton Kutcher)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">One day, will our children turn to us and ask, “Mommy and Daddy, why was all of your hip-hop performed by braggy robots?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">@marklisanti</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I don’t believe in holidays that Google doesn’t change its logo for.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">@bengold</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The guy who invented those small touch screens on planes will experience hell as being poked in the back of the head repeatedly by pixies.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">@zefrank</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">@thepeoplegeek</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Hail making scratching sounds on the windows. I told the kids snowmen were trying to get into the house. Sleep tight, kids.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">@badbanana</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">My personality test results came back. They’re negative.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">@redrabbit</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, his name is my name, too. Whenever I go out, the people always shout, “Hey… guy.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">@pagecrusher</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Just explained Twitter to my friend Bill. I don’t think I did it right, as he’s excited to sign up.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">@ryanmumm</span></div>SwaggerWagonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12347006575063202974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4901725627794323369.post-69468655779786969282011-03-26T19:54:00.000-07:002011-03-26T19:54:21.500-07:00No- THANK You, AutoCorrect<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I have to admit, I’m rather excited to share a new discovery with you. This website has more or less officially landed on my Favorites list. DamnYouAutoCorrect.com is a website devoted entirely to the spectacular failures generated by the iPhone’s auto-correct system, which appears to be painstakingly engineered to not only “correct” what you have typed and warp it into something completely different from what you originally intended, but also to make sure that the surprise outcome is as mortifying as possible. A few of my favorites:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“My mom took these from you a long time ago, want them back lol”</span></i></b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
“That is my first pair of skis!!! How did you get them?!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Idk lol. We just found them in our grandma.”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Garage… really?”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“You would be my knight in shunning armpit.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“And by that I mean knight in shining armor.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’m baaaack!”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Yay… I can hardly contain my excrement.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Excitement! I meant excitement!!!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“You comin in to work today?”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Yep! Will be in at 10.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Awesome! Stop and smell Mari’s bowelmovement on the way up! Yum! Spring!”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Either that’s autocorrect, or you have the most awful sense of smell ever!!!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Omg!!! Bouquettttt I’m sorry!!!”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I don’t know how to make you forgive me.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I apologized a thousand times. What more do you want?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Actions speak louder than wombats.”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“HAHAHA words. That was funny. But I’m still really mad at you.”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I wanted to be a bassists when I was younger. My sunfish would ask for nasalsausages all the time.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“There is so much fail right there. Wow. Let’s try that again.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Please do”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I wanted to be a masseuse when I was younger. My auntie would ask for massages all the time.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’m sorry baby.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I had wanted to get home to make you dinner. I didn’t mean to add to your bad fatness.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Bad dayness. Try typing it. It turns into fatness. I promise I didn’t mean to write that.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I love you and I’ll leave you alone now.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Daddy you’re so smart and amazing and handsome. Can I borrow your car Saturday? ;)”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh I knew you wanted something!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Flatulence will get you nowhere!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I definitely meant flattery. But flatulence won’t get you anywhere either. I know that first hand.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“There’s a ton of little green lepers at the playground today.”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh, s**t, leprechauns!”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“When are you going to Orlando?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“In 4 days!”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’m jealous. I want to go!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“And get my picture taken with mickey manboobs”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Mouseeeeeeeeeee!!! FML seriously”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“What movie are you renting tonight?”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Harry Potter”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Which one?”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Harry Potter and the deadly halitosis”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“HAHAHA *deathly hallows I’m dying”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Okay good. So you’re not perishing tonight are you?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“And by perishing I of course mean perishing”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Perishing”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“PERFORMING”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Hey mom on your way over tomorrow could you bring me a few cans of chicken noodle and menstrual poop?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Crap I meant tomato soup!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“You okay? You seem sad.”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“A little. I’m still stuck in Boston and Jason is back home at some strip club with 2 of his friends that I hate.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Well you know what they say: while the cats away, the mouse will plagiarize.”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“HAHAHA *play”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Be there in 15. I have to pick up my mom’s Mexican first.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I meant medicine! Blood pressure medicine! Ducking autocorrect.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“No one has a camera”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Your phone does”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“The pictures suck with it”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Ya… for some reason when you take pictures of people it makes their eyes look all feminist”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Demonic… not feminist.”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Hi Gregory are you being good”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I am! Just picked up my new Harley and have been driving around with heather.”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh please be careful. I worry. You could get really inseminated.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“That doesn’t happen on the cycle mom! ;)”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh this phone. I meant injured. BE CAREFUL.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Your chicken marsala was delicious. How do you make it?”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh you liked it? Awesome! It’s just dredged in flour and cooked in butter, oil, and wine.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“And sprinkled with salt and freshly ground black people.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“OMG! Noooo! Ground black pepper. That was horrible.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Whoa! Sorry I asked!”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’ve got to tell you something. Are you sitting down?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I am actually. What’s up mom?”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Your brother was adopted!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“What??? What are you talking about?”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Why are you telling me this over a text? Call me”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh this damn phone. I wrote accepted and the phone changed it. He got accepted to Yale!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“How’s the morning sickness?”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Not too bad today. I can’t believe that we’re having another baby </span><span style="font-family: Wingdings; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span>J</span></span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’m leaving you”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“WHAT????!!!!!!!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“<b><i>now. I’m leaving work NOW. I am NOT leaving you!”</i></b></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Now I’m really gonna throw up”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Grrrrrrl I know. I just got home from work and am curled up with a bowl of nazi ball soup.”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“OH MY GOD WHAT”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“That did not just happen.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“omg. Matzo ball soup. And I’m Jewish. Oh the irony.”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Sorry I’m running late, I got busy putting stuff in my anus and lost track of time. Be there soon”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Wow- attic- not anus!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’m going to sleep. I’ll call you at 8.”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I wish I could sleep. My neighbor has like 12 Welshman hanging from his tree and they’re so loud.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> “WINDCHIMES.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“How’d it go at the doctor’s?”</span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh not bad. She put me on a smurf control pill.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Birth control! WTF is wrong with my phone? Yesterday I asked my mom to buy me barfbags instead of napkins.”</span></div>SwaggerWagonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12347006575063202974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4901725627794323369.post-6275504329200633712011-03-26T18:28:00.000-07:002011-03-26T18:28:00.065-07:00Gary Busey's Finest<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Last week, I posted a list of my favorite Charlie Sheen quotes. In that same vein, I would like to continue exploring the utterances of crazy people. This time, we will take a look at one of Hollywood’s most renowned crazy men: Gary Busey. The following are a few of my favorite Buseyisms. Enjoy. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Do it. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“And light stands for L-I-G-H-T, which stands for Living in God’s Heavenly Thoughts.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“…the experiences that God gave me to go through… which were cocaine, which were extravagant living in the fast, fast, fast, fast, fast lane, see?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“And my dark side, my shadow, my lower companion is now in the back room blowing up balloons for kids’ parties.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Drinking your own blood is the paradigm of recycling.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Great things like this only happen for the first time once.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“There has got to be more to life than being a really, really, ridiculously good actor.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“You know what ‘sober’ stands for? It stands for ‘Son of a Bitch, Everything’s Real!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’ve been told by doctors and surgeons that I have the energy of ten men who have normal jobs”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“You know what ‘fear’ stands for? It sounds for ‘False Evidence Appearing Real.’ It’s the darkroom where Satan develops his negatives.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I WILL TEAR OUT YOUR ENDOCRINE SYSTEM!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“When you get lost in your imaginatory vagueness your foresight will become a nimble vagrant.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Your imagination is the hood ornament on your car of creativity.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Friends are just enemies in reverse.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“You get to go home and eat a Mexican pizza, now think of that!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Men are failed women at birth.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“One night… at [the hospital], I was sitting in bed… and saw the Grim Reaper standing in the corner. He was seven feet tall, with a brown robe. He pointed to me and said, ‘Relax, it’s not your time to go. You have been given gifts. These gifts are ready to be received by mankind. So get on your feet and improve.’ Then he laughed, spun his scythe, and left.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicePBHFposBX2cgNghoR2MHDIyheLbim7FChdGtgwfSP17gAU_AlturabtO1-hH1euhEzRw8mqZdwzKMQjtowFs9T0JOVyI7gugKOjJ3AbnhXukMZ34CaguYPOrF4gtw-FFMJPAWE8ANt3/s1600/gary+busey.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicePBHFposBX2cgNghoR2MHDIyheLbim7FChdGtgwfSP17gAU_AlturabtO1-hH1euhEzRw8mqZdwzKMQjtowFs9T0JOVyI7gugKOjJ3AbnhXukMZ34CaguYPOrF4gtw-FFMJPAWE8ANt3/s1600/gary+busey.jpg" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div>SwaggerWagonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12347006575063202974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4901725627794323369.post-73599088470018528352011-03-26T17:45:00.000-07:002011-03-26T17:52:06.646-07:00More Like Crocktober (Roasted)<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Riddle me this: what starts with O-C-T-O and ends with a vowel sandwiched between two consonants? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">NOT OCTOPUS</span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUqA5pVsoY74SHXrmAXjefg7zG9JPAh9Hr8WU_7uu8C0neZVujOrzw8fAJZBZbq5fQu1n5dkn-XYu0csK-v11cgaEjFfpuxzrymDyuEUpCQWF0y-EaVaZ46KPJu3ikZ-tJffdKpDZWlN4U/s1600/octopus_angry.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUqA5pVsoY74SHXrmAXjefg7zG9JPAh9Hr8WU_7uu8C0neZVujOrzw8fAJZBZbq5fQu1n5dkn-XYu0csK-v11cgaEjFfpuxzrymDyuEUpCQWF0y-EaVaZ46KPJu3ikZ-tJffdKpDZWlN4U/s1600/octopus_angry.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">dammit!</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">NOT OCTOMOM</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3Y8E2_1VXQXsM2LWkhNl5ECsN7LaG6CaY1-HKGzFMCemvdvY1PY21fsk7fo1PzzLDk1e5IfZXkVH6liIp77CIWEbkC_SEoXJncFUhuTtBI2srjgiWbcV2wrol8pHcHvCK30MQ2poFEPzq/s1600/index.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3Y8E2_1VXQXsM2LWkhNl5ECsN7LaG6CaY1-HKGzFMCemvdvY1PY21fsk7fo1PzzLDk1e5IfZXkVH6liIp77CIWEbkC_SEoXJncFUhuTtBI2srjgiWbcV2wrol8pHcHvCK30MQ2poFEPzq/s1600/index.jpg" /></a></div><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">It’s OCTOBER, you idiot. OCTOBER. Fun fact: the only thing more stupid than you if you actually made both of the incorrect guesses above is the holidays of October. If you would like to feel a little bit better about yourself, read on.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Note: this increase in self-esteem will only last until a few hours later, when you find yourself flipping anxiously looking through the dictionary, eager to prove to your brother that “gullible” is indeed featured within the pages.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, Domestic Violence Awareness month, National Diabetes month, and Lupus Awareness month. It is also Sarcastic Month. </span></b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">This makes me feel inclined to thereby avoid taking every other title the month of October claims remotely seriously. I mean, come on Anonymous Holiday Creators. Poor planning on your part does not constitute genuine feelings on mine.</span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">October 2<sup>nd</sup> is Name Your Car Day. </span></b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I’m actually in full support of this holiday, as my family has a name for all five of our cars, and we’ve found it to be a very rewarding decision, as you can then pretend your car is a giant wheeled pet. My mother’s car, which joined the fam just yesterday, is technically named SkyRanger (mom’s choice… God knows how this crazy gene will infiltrate my bloodstream as I approach adulthood). However, I much prefer Ringo Galaxy, and hope to eventually use this name frequently enough that it will stick firmly. My father’s car is named Nathan, after a very unhelpful and uncharismatic movie theater employee we met in Kansas, on a day dad’s car was being uncharacteristically uncooperative. My older brother’s car is named CiCi, for no other reason than it is a Honda Civic. The car Kyle and I share is named Thugmuffin C, which was actually one of four answers to a question in a Jeopardy board game we were playing during that same trip to Kansas. Thugmuffin is our pride and joy, and those who are unaware of his actual identity may assume we are speaking of a religious figure or Oprah, as they hear the unbridled reverence in our voices. The fifth car, who was recently replaced by Ringo as my mother’s and has now been downgraded to my backup vehicle is named Bonnie (or BonBon, which I enjoy exclaiming as if the car were a particularly precocious puppy) solely because she is a Pontiac Bonneville.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Oh my god… I am so sorry about this.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">October 7<sup>th</sup> is Bald and Free Day. </span></b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Holiday Insights describes this as a day to honor those with a “beautiful, shiny top.” Bald jokes are prohibited on this day, and baldies themselves are encouraged to take a look on the bright side: they no longer have to pay for haircuts or nurture the shame one feels on a bad hair day. </span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6RG9Xcmrx3iQqf-ZOhQva3Ss9QfIEQCWiDZxE70PccbzT2hV5SIjdgnCP8tqatfDB7_cdu7W0DLRQbF3ay-i-Nol-9nPvM8bUTP7Emo1qSzKEok457Q_o_FUOz_NTEWWUll5xh631H8aV/s1600/b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6RG9Xcmrx3iQqf-ZOhQva3Ss9QfIEQCWiDZxE70PccbzT2hV5SIjdgnCP8tqatfDB7_cdu7W0DLRQbF3ay-i-Nol-9nPvM8bUTP7Emo1qSzKEok457Q_o_FUOz_NTEWWUll5xh631H8aV/s1600/b.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">EMBRACE IT</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">October 9th is Moldy Cheese Day. </span></b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">This is precisely (albeit unfortunately) what is sounds like: a holiday centered around nasty, crusty, moldy cheese. Holiday Insights suggests celebrating by way of scouring through refrigerators at home and at work. Because you really want to be That Person at the office.</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip-wCEtjOAT_vsRUKYQydm0RWhaCiHWOaA16_YtRe-atVV1YoIcGi9_2VmfZ2BAel9mxmxx68QHPEKnM3cfLxDbTqGYGGMbhlS03zwjLJk4LfVexlD1DNRVoUqmVTWxQP1d8gI0IfIHbWJ/s1600/a.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip-wCEtjOAT_vsRUKYQydm0RWhaCiHWOaA16_YtRe-atVV1YoIcGi9_2VmfZ2BAel9mxmxx68QHPEKnM3cfLxDbTqGYGGMbhlS03zwjLJk4LfVexlD1DNRVoUqmVTWxQP1d8gI0IfIHbWJ/s1600/a.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">celebrate this.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> <b>October 11<sup>th</sup> is Take Your Teddy Bear to Work Day</b>. This is described as a “great opportunity to show off your beloved teddy bear to your work associates.” This can also do double duty as a great opportunity to become the least respected human being in your office. </span></div>SwaggerWagonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12347006575063202974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4901725627794323369.post-27003368060673924822011-03-20T20:09:00.001-07:002011-03-20T20:09:29.424-07:00Charlie Sheen's Finest<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Warlock be crazy.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I have a disease? Bulls**t. I cured it with my brain.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Winning, anyone? Rhymes with winning. Anyone? Yeah, that would be us. Sorry, man, didn’t make the rules. Oops!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“You can’t process me with a normal brain.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, ‘Dude! Can’t handle it; unplug this bast**d!’ It fired in a way that’s maybe not from, uh… this terrestrial realm.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I was banging seven-gram rocks, because that’s how I roll. I have one speed, I have one gear: Go.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Can’t is the cancer of happening.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Wow. What does that mean? I’m bi-WINNING.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I am battle-tested bayonets, bro.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’m so tired of pretending my life isn’t perfect and bitching and just winning every second and I’m not perfect and bitchin’.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Look what I’m dealing with, man. I’m dealing with fools and trolls.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“It’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee, because I don’t have time for these clowns.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“You have the right to kill me, but you do not have the right to judge me. Boom. That’s the whole movie. That’s life.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’m sorry, man, I got magic and I’ve got poetry in my fingertips, you know, most of the time, and this includes naps.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’m an F-18, bro.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a p**sy.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’m bi-winning.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them look like droopy-eyed, armless children.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels. Especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly, I have defeated this earthworm with my words- imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“[CBS] picked a fight with a warlock.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“If you’re a part of my family, I will love you violently.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Winning.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I will not believe that if I do something, then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren’t special. People who don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“C’mon, bro, I won best picture at twenty. I wasn’t even trying. I wasn’t even warm.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Bring me Doctor Clown Shoes.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Winning.”</span></div>SwaggerWagonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12347006575063202974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4901725627794323369.post-90714719535679428762011-03-20T19:28:00.000-07:002011-03-20T19:28:18.437-07:00Disappointment<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Hi. Want to read some more about frivolous holidays? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Don’t care.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Here we go.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Now, let us move forth and crack open a sizeable can of condescension for the holidays of September. May disgust and cynicism rain down on them for all eternity.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>September 2<sup>nd</sup> is National Beheading Day.</b> Upon first reading this, I was absolutely terrified. I wondered how I had possibly managed to dodge the wrath of September 2<sup>nd</sup> for sixteen years, even considering the possibility that this could be <i>the year. </i>However, the page loaded soon thereafter and was consequently met with an unimpressed mumble and a hefty eye-roll. This holiday is absolute nonsense. The following is the description provided by Holiday Insights:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“<i>WARNING: HEADS WILL ROLL!</i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">National Beheading Day is today. Hold onto your hat. And, make certain to keep your head screwed on tight.</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Every once in a while, we happen upon a special day that has no apparent rhyme or reasoning. We can’t imagine why someone would create this day. It defies logic. But, National Beheading Day is very prolific on the net. So, therefore, it warrants a few (very few) words.</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Throughout history, beheadings have occurred. The list is long, including commoners and kings. The most notable king to be beheaded was Charles I of England in 1645.</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">While this is a big day, don’t go crazy and lose your head. In addition to protecting your neck, we suggest you spend this day reading about famous beheadings.”</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Just… shut up, Holiday Insights. Nobody likes you.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>September 4<sup>th</sup> is Newspaper Carrier Day.</b> To be quite honest, I didn’t even read the description provided for this holiday. I don’t want anything or anyone to dissuade me from the belief that the entire point of this holiday is to hide in your bushes and ambush, attack, etc. your newspaper carrier. Apologies are forbidden.</span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOc-HByA_rabxf3cfgvZPvL4Xw0U5z5QiSryPFVahNMuEnxU6vUMfUPDhM_fZgBsvzhwDGa-jJ1Q7o0T_WVG-x1CV0QmJ0mC9VsSlQY3rHFy9TffW6KRvstUMrqYuHRjBuclnjtEMJugOX/s1600/index.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOc-HByA_rabxf3cfgvZPvL4Xw0U5z5QiSryPFVahNMuEnxU6vUMfUPDhM_fZgBsvzhwDGa-jJ1Q7o0T_WVG-x1CV0QmJ0mC9VsSlQY3rHFy9TffW6KRvstUMrqYuHRjBuclnjtEMJugOX/s1600/index.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">attack.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><b> September 8<sup>th</sup> is National Date Nut Bread Day</b>. Find ONE person who actually eats date nuts and we’ll talk.</span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4DVwINxYw8ubtLXNrykAmN6vEsnV9IExMRfruWqv-U0Bke3-sd8hPULXXeqXuHNcJG9AExRIkHZp3PHt8jx7BzEV6HHBwkniX9vTdfo8D6A62sf_Rsp3ZM2eJjGJHiVi5zCd7E4XYkAnA/s1600/gf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4DVwINxYw8ubtLXNrykAmN6vEsnV9IExMRfruWqv-U0Bke3-sd8hPULXXeqXuHNcJG9AExRIkHZp3PHt8jx7BzEV6HHBwkniX9vTdfo8D6A62sf_Rsp3ZM2eJjGJHiVi5zCd7E4XYkAnA/s1600/gf.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">...what IS that?</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> <b>September 10<sup>th</sup> is Swap Ideas Day</b>. I’m only informing you of this so we can share a quick moment of mutual disdain for the following:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Sharing is good. Ideas are a good thing, too. Putting the two together should produce a real winner of a day, eh?!”</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">That’s enough, Holiday Insights. That’s enough.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>September 29<sup>th</sup> is International Talk Like a Pirate Day.</b></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><b> </b> </span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKdfspVr0SYb_RPl65yiy6i2Pi2Wmal_RrbSa93SiSxMMFkUWOEznRy7XEfiTaHLpWqwxJwWMIjxOr4WQHawgnOfmq8tWLVdSut50gDbF7xWL0qr6eGn2j3v2Ye1FFohcqFZUnyZbsjPpg/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKdfspVr0SYb_RPl65yiy6i2Pi2Wmal_RrbSa93SiSxMMFkUWOEznRy7XEfiTaHLpWqwxJwWMIjxOr4WQHawgnOfmq8tWLVdSut50gDbF7xWL0qr6eGn2j3v2Ye1FFohcqFZUnyZbsjPpg/s1600/images.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I Googled "fat pirate", and this was the most relevant result. Just so you know... I tried.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As I am reading through this calendar of September, I am coming to the grim realization that September’s holidays are just… boring. They’re irrelevant, but not in a point and laugh sort of way. So thanks for nothing, Holiday Insights. Thanks. For. Nothing.</span></div>SwaggerWagonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12347006575063202974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4901725627794323369.post-38097514283868288602011-03-16T07:21:00.000-07:002011-03-16T07:21:13.585-07:00CrisisHello there...<br />
In case any of you have noticed that there have been no blog posts as of yet this week...<br />
I can explain. <br />
As the result of an uncooperative computer, I have been unable to post pictures along with my blog posts lately (maybe someone turned the system's mediocrity block on). However, I will be trying again soon, and we'll see how that goes. Just wanted to let y'all know what's goin' on. See ya laterz.<br />
#winningSwaggerWagonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12347006575063202974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4901725627794323369.post-34818629735668609932011-02-25T19:48:00.000-08:002011-02-27T07:27:32.122-08:00Things I Like<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">As the author of a blog created entirely for the purpose of making fun of people, I sometimes wonder if I have led my readers (both of you) to believe that I think everything in this country is laughable and worthy of the cruelest mockery I can manage. However, this is simply not true. There are a great number of things (at least five!) that I enjoy unwaveringly and would never consider even playfully teasing. Here are a few of my favorite websites, in no particular order:</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">The Tosh.0 Blog at Comedy Central.com </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">(<a href="http://www.tosh.comedycentral.com/blog">www.tosh.comedycentral.com/blog</a>)</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">This is one of my favorite websites for two reasons: 1) I absolutely love Daniel Tosh, and 2) I also absolutely love to mock the stupidity of others. It’s the best of both worlds, really. And for those of you who only know Daniel Tosh from his Comedy Central show Tosh.0, you should probably go watch or listen to some of his stand-up before we can resume being friends again. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRN8V3-CQiqZrmXuX2fwDr-gPIm-xtoPNcFy5OzvlRGiFfWfj6ZrpoAYCVYNPuF-KuQkfK5bfCOiyoLlAVxolBoOQ896PBv2v4X9Z8C75knpeMbcyknRdiJVduvCGaK4DvqrH3MI6cCNiB/s1600/Daniel+Tosh+-+Shot_2-12874.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRN8V3-CQiqZrmXuX2fwDr-gPIm-xtoPNcFy5OzvlRGiFfWfj6ZrpoAYCVYNPuF-KuQkfK5bfCOiyoLlAVxolBoOQ896PBv2v4X9Z8C75knpeMbcyknRdiJVduvCGaK4DvqrH3MI6cCNiB/s320/Daniel+Tosh+-+Shot_2-12874.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Bo Burnham.com</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">(<a href="http://www.blogger.com/www.boburnham.com">www.boburnham.com</a>)</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">As I’ve expressed before in previous posts, my heart holds more love for comedian Bo Burnham than it does for any and all other inhabitants of the earth. My family has slowly but surely become accepting of this love and they now merely roll their eyes and halfheartedly pretend to listen when I talk about him. Note: he also has a blog, but has failed to update it since October 2<sup>nd</sup>, 2009. Which is totally okay; he’s a very busy person. You just keep doin’ yo thang, Bo. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKJk0wd4728M7D_N0qsEQnwjzH7fBTUplnxBVCHAfcCVW0yIvsNs4rIuwgJT8GqNsV26Xieg54sV5n4bv8avsnU9U964cwfg1xNg1OglyWXgMQ5FnQjn4aC2TyiEm1XPyYP2RZxBz21n8U/s1600/pppppppp.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="171" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKJk0wd4728M7D_N0qsEQnwjzH7fBTUplnxBVCHAfcCVW0yIvsNs4rIuwgJT8GqNsV26Xieg54sV5n4bv8avsnU9U964cwfg1xNg1OglyWXgMQ5FnQjn4aC2TyiEm1XPyYP2RZxBz21n8U/s320/pppppppp.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Texts From Last Night</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">(<a href="http://www.textsfromlastnight,com/">www.textsfromlastnight,com</a>)</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Because people under the influence of alcohol and/or recreational drugs are incredibly amusing.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Go Away.com</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">(<a href="http://www.27bslash6.com/">www.27bslash6.com</a>)</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">This website, authored by David Thorne, features actual correspondence between Thorne and his coworkers, landlords, son’s teachers, haters, etc. in which he always manages to be hilariously unhelpful, obnoxious and brutally witty. He also occasionally writes faux “profiles” of ridiculous characters, but I much prefer the emails and letters. My favorite is “Missing Missy”. Note: please ignore the somewhat offensive logo imagery featuring a penguin “flipping the bird.” </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfHjsQ6MsHyT3YivBuVUBLZPWt5WSF6KoidQMus7bPT9oN6xGa3BFpXhT-uznOoAiTCYMQGzHgAJgIoPMKuK-mqjJNXj3uD84f6RGcBl3SSS627M2RbxJD6xuySFcnUOousifkNmayRufI/s1600/trrrrrr.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfHjsQ6MsHyT3YivBuVUBLZPWt5WSF6KoidQMus7bPT9oN6xGa3BFpXhT-uznOoAiTCYMQGzHgAJgIoPMKuK-mqjJNXj3uD84f6RGcBl3SSS627M2RbxJD6xuySFcnUOousifkNmayRufI/s1600/trrrrrr.jpg" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Awkward Family Photos</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">(<a href="http://www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com/">www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com</a>)</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Just… hilarious. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVmYNEIeaDw3ah-kk0yoS0XzBcRTd-sEbiObt2clOkreQzB68vohNNbASZ7_Nekhk43xqUqrLuQi0ChOUSoMvWP51-TR7qTgY4aKp3-c8djob-XXV_64eIBLw_2mVs0mPWwmQ9a8ePuqcM/s1600/bbbbbbbb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVmYNEIeaDw3ah-kk0yoS0XzBcRTd-sEbiObt2clOkreQzB68vohNNbASZ7_Nekhk43xqUqrLuQi0ChOUSoMvWP51-TR7qTgY4aKp3-c8djob-XXV_64eIBLw_2mVs0mPWwmQ9a8ePuqcM/s1600/bbbbbbbb.jpg" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">URLesque.com</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">(<a href="http://www.urlesque.com/">www.urlesque.com</a>)</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">This is a website featuring quirky or amusing news stories on the web. A few of my personal favorites:</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Hipster Disney Villains Are Way More Underground Than Hipster Disney Princesses</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;"><a href="http://www.urlesque.com/2011/02/25/hipster-disney-villains-meme/">http://www.urlesque.com/2011/02/25/hipster-disney-villains-meme/</a></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Meet Etti-Cat, the 1960s LOLcat</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;"><a href="http://www.urlesque.com/2011/02/23/etti-cat-1960s-lolcat/">http://www.urlesque.com/2011/02/23/etti-cat-1960s-lolcat/</a></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Thumbs-Up Cat Just Wants You to Chill Out, Bro</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;"><a href="http://www.urlesque.com/2011/02/24/jimmy-thumbs-up-cat/">http://www.urlesque.com/2011/02/24/jimmy-thumbs-up-cat/</a></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Charlie the “Voldemort Cat” Gets Adopted Into a New Home!</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;"><a href="http://www.urlesque.com/2011/02/15/charlie-voldemort-cat-adopted/">http://www.urlesque.com/2011/02/15/charlie-voldemort-cat-adopted/</a></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUOEWA4QjBSp3qJrVOSPLGt_OZQxrspkXckbTJ5zFta4G4IQZxC4mrs5Bj_Xn9oG_bnatG9SlZuIe2V-0_Senqx6Vh2hsKrdz7jFkWAzYE-msg4V8TeQIaeuPqpOtUtITFxaB74vx0hkqQ/s1600/kkkkkkkkkk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUOEWA4QjBSp3qJrVOSPLGt_OZQxrspkXckbTJ5zFta4G4IQZxC4mrs5Bj_Xn9oG_bnatG9SlZuIe2V-0_Senqx6Vh2hsKrdz7jFkWAzYE-msg4V8TeQIaeuPqpOtUtITFxaB74vx0hkqQ/s1600/kkkkkkkkkk.jpg" /></a></div><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">The Onion.com</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">(<a href="http://www.theonion.com/">www.theonion.com</a>)</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Self-proclaimed to be “America’s Finest News Source”, the Onion is a newspaper comprised entirely of 100% fictional headlines. A lil sample:</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Embarrassed Republicans Admit They’ve Been Thinking Of Eisenhower Whole Time They’ve Been Praising Reagan</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Same Americans Who Made Taylor Swift Popular Polled On Constitutionality Of Health Care Reform</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Netflix Switches Over To Convenient New Physical Locations</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Girl In Park Acts Like It’s No Big Deal She’s Wearing Bikini</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEik3DO4Vy4oi-AMPaF39m8ZMh_xCe6J_m-SYWZU75WoGKwERRUaowikaBRKIg5jC-UwzUYKTPn7MKFlIjCkrZzmHrFyuKwDdolSvVKf5jzoDoA22dXHInax2fNzyhJcL3G5LIGZ9axD8EHn/s1600/ggtddhjh.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="124" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEik3DO4Vy4oi-AMPaF39m8ZMh_xCe6J_m-SYWZU75WoGKwERRUaowikaBRKIg5jC-UwzUYKTPn7MKFlIjCkrZzmHrFyuKwDdolSvVKf5jzoDoA22dXHInax2fNzyhJcL3G5LIGZ9axD8EHn/s320/ggtddhjh.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div>SwaggerWagonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12347006575063202974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4901725627794323369.post-73047202850533083892011-02-25T18:19:00.000-08:002011-02-27T07:33:08.550-08:00I Googled "Huge Muffin Top" For You People<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">In lieu of a halfway decent topic, today’s post will be centered around the almighty Muffin Top. Get over it.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Now, for those of you who aren’t already aware of this phenomenon (read: disgustingly clueless and obligated to feel shame, lots and lots of shame), here are a few definitions of the term, provided by various websites:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Wikipedia: “a generally pejorative slang term used to describe the phenomenon of overhanging flesh (fat) when it spills over the waistline of pants or skirts in a manner that resembles the top of a muffin spilling over its paper casing.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> Urban Dictionary, throwing all tact and/or delicacy out the window: “The flab that hangs over the top of low rider jeans on fat chicks.” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Urban Dictionary again (this one’s my favorite): “Thy butt hath overfloweth thine tiny pants.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNy68Y1_G1xLt5l-mT27G-iaCBn4rxDP_rbYNK0gRZhuKvPXz6jQqtPKZ-hnSA5L6eZSpd6UJpETfz9CSVpS8iAD_yzi2o09bNm_imNSB3xhkMfgp8icOEqDISUgSCaMBasDgCTAPL8LdU/s1600/index.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNy68Y1_G1xLt5l-mT27G-iaCBn4rxDP_rbYNK0gRZhuKvPXz6jQqtPKZ-hnSA5L6eZSpd6UJpETfz9CSVpS8iAD_yzi2o09bNm_imNSB3xhkMfgp8icOEqDISUgSCaMBasDgCTAPL8LdU/s1600/index.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIgTPMigMlDGxjWk-I-DYuAz1MoUSmTcG14sp848_r-Gam4NBMqJFxYgwtHsgUrSySSCfM3pRGpZldq8XUMWxespAv4na6VBax_BPvz3Dywkn5f54ceKN5DY7HxxxaLt6z1WdHNe7fhSfg/s1600/hh.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIgTPMigMlDGxjWk-I-DYuAz1MoUSmTcG14sp848_r-Gam4NBMqJFxYgwtHsgUrSySSCfM3pRGpZldq8XUMWxespAv4na6VBax_BPvz3Dywkn5f54ceKN5DY7HxxxaLt6z1WdHNe7fhSfg/s1600/hh.jpg" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNkqDby2j81NZFwugmxVuMbyR-gJyd_mw5VVuCS7DyN-Ei2Gfmvh0Uz25o8YBealblCt7z4lS-bZswI60W56kvdq7G6UKcaBj8iAHJy3NQOtdF9B99RGaww2q7kJxkCvja4DMLfg_tLyIV/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNkqDby2j81NZFwugmxVuMbyR-gJyd_mw5VVuCS7DyN-Ei2Gfmvh0Uz25o8YBealblCt7z4lS-bZswI60W56kvdq7G6UKcaBj8iAHJy3NQOtdF9B99RGaww2q7kJxkCvja4DMLfg_tLyIV/s1600/images.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">note: this picture is EVERYWHERE. I wonder if this girl is aware that her muffin top is a minor internet celebrity. if not, I would love to be the one to tell her.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhC_bYziYHb_I1_oOOnzsQ7W1T2xo-ZPpHT40o2Q3Aw6JXrSpk_4JJl49aOuPno5pUtmqzyQM0LVtwrgpttGAWHl8yDJ1x8kOXxRpht6eHufdUuDww5ueeGQgV6pmQMYo8FslNh6oN-hBg/s1600/jeanshorts.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhC_bYziYHb_I1_oOOnzsQ7W1T2xo-ZPpHT40o2Q3Aw6JXrSpk_4JJl49aOuPno5pUtmqzyQM0LVtwrgpttGAWHl8yDJ1x8kOXxRpht6eHufdUuDww5ueeGQgV6pmQMYo8FslNh6oN-hBg/s320/jeanshorts.jpg" width="308" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEWLKzuhmcXsYtAxXVWnRVokqpVdAcOjkkRNoifI1BEs4XAxlQZRWNbjGUunay11tg0-idxCaf51e95eBEnFWaSJEOa9yWqOpneOM55qfwghqFTrBuxugfHDo3mZ3OA5NjtUacbGJ_IXfk/s1600/muffin_mom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEWLKzuhmcXsYtAxXVWnRVokqpVdAcOjkkRNoifI1BEs4XAxlQZRWNbjGUunay11tg0-idxCaf51e95eBEnFWaSJEOa9yWqOpneOM55qfwghqFTrBuxugfHDo3mZ3OA5NjtUacbGJ_IXfk/s320/muffin_mom.jpg" width="320" /> </a></td><td style="text-align: center;"></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"> triplets.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNM0Odgep1sf9xQcAoctDXwFNlmrntsbbgF7ujach1nenTJemQ1PLmmKK07AulQLy2o4WWqxesE_bc0SMdauOYf4EkNyN5jhJ-WWG4gbE_qWsroN5EXQ6irkTzmjy7TVCsWfL7CLw8psL0/s1600/ffff.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNM0Odgep1sf9xQcAoctDXwFNlmrntsbbgF7ujach1nenTJemQ1PLmmKK07AulQLy2o4WWqxesE_bc0SMdauOYf4EkNyN5jhJ-WWG4gbE_qWsroN5EXQ6irkTzmjy7TVCsWfL7CLw8psL0/s1600/ffff.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">while we're discussing muffiny things: personally, I covet a muffin-shaped cat more than you can possibly understand.</td></tr>
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">While researching the phenomenon that is the Muffin Top, I came across what just might be one of the best websites ever. Ever. It is called Muffin Huntin’ dot com, and is sole purpose is to mock those sporting a muffiny midsection. Mean? Absolutely. Rude? Unequivocally. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Let’s go.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As we arrive at the home page, we are greeted with a fairly diplomatic definition of the term Muffin Top, a few pictures, and the following words of welcome: “Welcome to Muffin Huntin’ dot com. The world’s only museum dedicated to the Muffin Top and the never-ending Muffin Hunting season.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> Next on the menu is the Muffin O’ the Month, in which one lucky lady is awarded the honor of being lauded as the owner of the best (or worst, depending on how you want to look at it) Muffin Top submitted that month. Unfortunately for the last winner, this section was last updated in May of 2008, thus rewarding her with an eternity of muffiny glory.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Following that success story, we arrive at the Dangers of Hunting. Aspiring Muffin Hunters are warned of the precautions necessary in this dangerous line of work: “While hunting the Muffins can be an adventure on its own, capturing this elusive creature on film in its natural habitat presents many dangers. Getting caught photographing the Muffin Top may result in physical harm or verbal abuse by the girl sporting the Muffin. We advise you to proceed with caution while trying to view or photograph the Muffin Tops.” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> The best part: the gallery, featuring the muffiniest of Muffin Tops and the meanest captions possible, therefore making i<span style="font-size: small;">t right up my alley. A few of my favorite captions:</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">“Sunscreen is good for Jabba the Hutt.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">“These two were looking for the Krispy Kreme burger.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: small; line-height: 115%;"> “Is she smuggling a loaf of bread in there?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Anyone see the movie EARTHQUAKE?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And now for the grand finale, the best possible way to TOP this all off (snicker chortle snort): the Muffin Top song. This is from the fifth episode of the first season of 30 Rock. For those who don’t know what 30 Rock is: you are a tiny pathetic person and I can’t be friends with you anymore. It’s not like it’s one of the most critically acclaimed television shows of the decade or anything, you uncultured quafboggle (new vocab- write it down). Anyhow, the story behind this song is that one of the characters, Jenna Maroney (Jane Krakowski) is a star on the television network the show is centered around. A few years prior to the episode, she dated a record producer and recorded a song called “Muffin Top.” This song became a chart-topping hit in Israel. There are no YouTube videos featuring the entire song, but here’s the best I could do. If you wish to hear the entire song (trust me- you do), I’m sure there’s a nice spot or it on your iPod. You’ve always needed that perfect song to round out your Workout Jamz playlist.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/0Y3o9IRbiSg?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">the actual (if a bit abbreviated) clip from the episode</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><object class="BLOGGER-youtube-video" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" data-thumbnail-src="http://3.gvt0.com/vi/G1WY_BxSnD8/0.jpg" height="266" width="320"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/G1WY_BxSnD8&fs=1&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><embed width="320" height="266" src="http://www.youtube.com/v/G1WY_BxSnD8&fs=1&source=uds" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed></object><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> the full song (I'm sorry, I don't know why this refuses to stop being so awkwardly lopsided...)</span></div>SwaggerWagonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12347006575063202974noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4901725627794323369.post-33112970554577558632011-02-20T18:51:00.000-08:002011-02-27T13:53:18.907-08:00AuGUST Of Stupid Holidays (See What I Did There?)<div class="MsoNormal"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJu3Ml0ayOQacCDLbNprPGm56M5j2sKyFnpiW0OqKE821rip40xUM3mbBn6RcPcS0PoujUGuZlh8XKqQbzegBs4XQ9z4OuCL9Npf2fBKNcQW5IwiZxZpHDQWxBiwMhpp5mPV5XeIn-KfO4/s1600/fgfgdgdjjj.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJu3Ml0ayOQacCDLbNprPGm56M5j2sKyFnpiW0OqKE821rip40xUM3mbBn6RcPcS0PoujUGuZlh8XKqQbzegBs4XQ9z4OuCL9Npf2fBKNcQW5IwiZxZpHDQWxBiwMhpp5mPV5XeIn-KfO4/s1600/fgfgdgdjjj.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOQae94qe5zh7QBSscO44AGPul3BC-n6myCP8MMSfP5F6mXkLqy8cpQYBtLLIve9GAWt71xcs5uah6g3HvzLYGwlOqiN0c4yNKCaaS9BGQDA3sd6weyCarXwnSv_6NLnVXr15HBaK6rh_E/s1600/Chuck+Norris.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOQae94qe5zh7QBSscO44AGPul3BC-n6myCP8MMSfP5F6mXkLqy8cpQYBtLLIve9GAWt71xcs5uah6g3HvzLYGwlOqiN0c4yNKCaaS9BGQDA3sd6weyCarXwnSv_6NLnVXr15HBaK6rh_E/s320/Chuck+Norris.jpg" width="261" /></a></div><br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Thanks for bringin' him in, Chuckles.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Hello, August.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">We've been waiting. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">August 5<sup>th</sup> is Work Like a Dog Day. HolidayInsights describes this as a day to “dig in relentlessly” and, basically, work like a maniac. Personally, I don’t get this holiday at all. Work like a DOG? I mean, I realize it’s just an expression, but… </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb9CFglH6bqZTJg362pPmfUNeX0IP2gPG5XWm2cVii1L5nKZ0EKNeR7HZHCnIIhT9gIe8X2yUpZHa_7UW4K6awPiJnyIYiqrMn9kimYWtlxn4fdh5y5-PAMTRpn0wy4QqgCXRievMjrLdx/s1600/755-lazy-dog.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb9CFglH6bqZTJg362pPmfUNeX0IP2gPG5XWm2cVii1L5nKZ0EKNeR7HZHCnIIhT9gIe8X2yUpZHa_7UW4K6awPiJnyIYiqrMn9kimYWtlxn4fdh5y5-PAMTRpn0wy4QqgCXRievMjrLdx/s320/755-lazy-dog.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyPDmbOnOGiPq3qOtrD_HYFv_KqLZcXD4f5OMHjTQyUzrGhljekBQ8nrqCULjgZ-Dx5A78R20DzO5D9Rd_b3p9eOFXltEMBClWwWcglzaNh7RQORZDZdq-uvuGCA-aUE8mSMGsfXVUI-7p/s1600/lkjhgf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyPDmbOnOGiPq3qOtrD_HYFv_KqLZcXD4f5OMHjTQyUzrGhljekBQ8nrqCULjgZ-Dx5A78R20DzO5D9Rd_b3p9eOFXltEMBClWwWcglzaNh7RQORZDZdq-uvuGCA-aUE8mSMGsfXVUI-7p/s1600/lkjhgf.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">oh, wait, wait, wait... I guess he's working pretty hard. at BREATHING.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">August 6<sup>th</sup> is Wiggle Your Toes Day. This makes me very uncomfortable. Toes freak me out a significant amount, and just the thought of millions of people setting aside a day to wiggle them about and be all gross and freaky and toe-y just does not sit well with me. Please, I beg of you, do not participate in Wiggle Your Toes Day. Please.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">August 8<sup>th</sup> is Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Day. I honestly thought that was some sort of euphemism for sexual relations. But apparently it’s just a day to PAWN UNWANTED ZUCCHINI FRUIT OFF ON YOUR UNSUSPECTING NEIGHBORS. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">August 10<sup>th</sup> is Lazy Day. Oh… is that... is that only supposed to be one day? Oops…</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">August 16<sup>th</sup> is National Tell a Joke Day. This can quickly escalate into We Don’t Effing Care Why the Chicken Crossed the Damn Road, Now Go Lock Yourself in a Cupboard and Die Day. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">August 18<sup>th</sup> is Bad Poetry Day. To celebrate, HolidayInsights advises gathering a group of friends who are presumably incredibly lame just like you and having the following conversation:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">You: *snicker* Hey, guys… wanna do something hilarious?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Your friends: Ha! Totally! Ha ha!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">You: We should totally write some bad poetry and send to our former teachers! *chortle giggle snort snort guffaw*</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Your friends: HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! *snort snort snort snort snort snort*</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">However, I suggest merely sitting in on an LA-9 class.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Note: I know, that hypothetical situation was completely outlandish.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">A person like that wouldn’t have <i>multiple </i>friends.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">August 21<sup>st</sup> is comedian Bo Burnham’s birthday. I’m only including this because Mr. Burnham also happens to hold the title of My Favorite Person in the Existence of the Universe. I can think of no other way to quantize the amount of love I have for him other than to tell you that I have never uttered, thought, or written anything short of positively glowing adoration of him. And speaking as someone who authors a blog of which the sole focus is making fun of people, this is quite remarkable. My highest aspiration for this blog involves including Mr. Burnham as a co-author, so we can make fun of stoopies (new term for stupid people, obvi) together. Sigh.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">P.S. I met him once. He let me touch his hair.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">August 25<sup>th</sup> is Kiss and Make Up Day. I’m only including this because I want to discuss the fact that HolidayInsights has been slyly inserting references to their sponsor, apparently some sort of gardening company, and they have been growing progressively more and more ridiculous as I’ve moved through the months. And I think they may have just reached the ultimate peak. Milestone, y’all:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiGKzByrTabMU8zbwjclZYwSHFu-fT93xpN8SbJfmRAaFGsUKuiKvUnJfYo10OA4_q8jx8SPtaK8kAZDqGqET1EL7dMkGOfhgMreKQT-OWDHl2XE72UIJEmsk_H5vKgyWVXBLdsfrmRZ_q/s1600/jhgfd.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="36" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiGKzByrTabMU8zbwjclZYwSHFu-fT93xpN8SbJfmRAaFGsUKuiKvUnJfYo10OA4_q8jx8SPtaK8kAZDqGqET1EL7dMkGOfhgMreKQT-OWDHl2XE72UIJEmsk_H5vKgyWVXBLdsfrmRZ_q/s320/jhgfd.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">August 30<sup>th</sup> is Frankenstein Day. While HolidayInsights claims that this is a holiday celebrating the work of author Mary Wollenstone Shelley. However, I am able to see through their slick little veneer. This is clearly a day intended for celebrators to rob a local morgue and construct their very own Frankenstein monsters. Hey, you’ve always wanted a friend. Now’s your chance, champ.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div>SwaggerWagonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12347006575063202974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4901725627794323369.post-46288555928672423752011-02-20T18:11:00.000-08:002011-02-27T07:41:18.922-08:00They're Baaack...<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Hey. Before we start, I just want to tell you something… give you a little heads-up. An old friend of the blog is returning today. Now, I don’t know if you remember this or not, but he just sort of wandered away a few months ago, and now he’s finally made it back to us safely. Okay, I just want to… look at me. Are you even listening? I just want to make sure you don’t make this awkward. Our old friend might feel a bit uncomfortable after being away for so long, but you need to remember that he’s the same person inside, okay? Nothing has changed, and we need to make sure it feels just like old times. Oh, Jesus, he’s coming. Be cool, be cool.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Welcome back. Stupid Holiday Posts.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And I see you brought a buddy. What up, July? Let’s tango.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">July 1<sup>st</sup> is Canada Day. I am not going to make fun of this holiday. Why? Because I sort of unconditionally, ferociously, and (admittedly) inexplicably love Canada. Those Canadians are just so adorable. Personally, I would love to have a tiny pocket-sized Canadian to carry around with me and say adorable stereotypically Canadian things like, “Soory aboot that, eh!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlIobIrUyVevAGa7NkrObApUMsQCj_or_q_6FCL-N8nKNGSFZhxnAhH1Ef8mJ3IW2MxAxsM9tnw3L4UK19YTeG1lVsHXXZ0ef18WZaOZxYly4K7X3qhtWEssiKvqtOoRAMVku4-Bz0bUrc/s1600/dudleydo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlIobIrUyVevAGa7NkrObApUMsQCj_or_q_6FCL-N8nKNGSFZhxnAhH1Ef8mJ3IW2MxAxsM9tnw3L4UK19YTeG1lVsHXXZ0ef18WZaOZxYly4K7X3qhtWEssiKvqtOoRAMVku4-Bz0bUrc/s320/dudleydo.jpg" width="238" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">and they ride horses backwards. BACKWARDS!</td></tr>
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">July 2<sup>nd</sup> is World UFO Day. Also known as Attention All Raving Conspiracy Theorist Lunatics: It’s Time to Let Your Freak Flags Fly! Day. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">July 3<sup>rd</sup> is Disobedience Day. I only chose to look into this holiday in the hopes that it would twenty-four hours dedicated solely to raising utter hell and sticking it to the man. But then HolidayInsights, the mild-mannered mother of holiday websites, stepped in: </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“We’re going to be up front and make it clear that we are neither encouraging nor endorsing disobedience. We also want to make it clear to our younger readers that disobeying parents, teacher, or other authorities is not a good thing……… period. We suggest you use this day to learn a little about civil disobedience, and why it is sometimes used.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">1) Six extra dots on the ellipses, really? Really?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">2) Yeah, I hate fun, too. I’m sure learning about civil disobedience is just as fun as smashing a neighbor’s plastic Santa (SIR- IT’S FEBRUARY NOW) or outfitting a negligent dog owner’s pet with dreadlocks.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">July 4<sup>th</sup> is Sidewalk Egg Frying Day. Because it’s not like we have anything else to celebrate on the fourth of July... </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">July 6<sup>th</sup> is National Fried Chicken Day. Just saying.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNNzpxaJ8YJr_iljiHKipfZb6xxosJ0CnDe6v6miUQatXBaEZnJNAkEcyZwoRWE_8S9csri42FUf0QGuiImWlyDyVrnVpiYgbJflbXSZpyLwnF-vLRDWODeIM0Fr2dTMh-FZSsmAaz-U7R/s1600/000946-fat-overweight-black-woman-with-huge-red-hair-eating-kfc-chicken11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNNzpxaJ8YJr_iljiHKipfZb6xxosJ0CnDe6v6miUQatXBaEZnJNAkEcyZwoRWE_8S9csri42FUf0QGuiImWlyDyVrnVpiYgbJflbXSZpyLwnF-vLRDWODeIM0Fr2dTMh-FZSsmAaz-U7R/s320/000946-fat-overweight-black-woman-with-huge-red-hair-eating-kfc-chicken11.jpg" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">me partaking in the festivities (my favorite holiday!) in '09. </td></tr>
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">July 10<sup>th</sup> is Teddy Bear Picnic Day. How adorable is that? However, those of you over the age of twenty-five get to celebrate Creepiest Occupant of a Public Park Day.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">July 13<sup>th</sup> is Embrace Your Geekness Day. HolidayInsights defines a geek as someone who is “highly intelligent (brainy) and technically oriented.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">First of all, thank you, HolidayInsights, for deconstructing the complicated phrase “highly intelligent” into “brainy” for us simpleton readers. Thank you.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Second of all, their main advice regarding how one should celebrate this holiday is “Spend plenty of time with your computer.” Implied meaning: spend plenty of time with the only friend who can’t avoid you.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh31a76jH2TW_vzzW_TumgvXlpX649zozJPXVsXrd9qT76X4dwd0lKTZQLOSYyMbei7XoQqTPLb0BrxKkq03D30GP8RcfeDL-J7jSzwSiGQ8DQO1ozdjMTM3PbDR7zTkoQkAfuhewFzAo1V/s1600/geek-240x300.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh31a76jH2TW_vzzW_TumgvXlpX649zozJPXVsXrd9qT76X4dwd0lKTZQLOSYyMbei7XoQqTPLb0BrxKkq03D30GP8RcfeDL-J7jSzwSiGQ8DQO1ozdjMTM3PbDR7zTkoQkAfuhewFzAo1V/s1600/geek-240x300.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">let's celebrate... ladies?</td></tr>
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">July 20<sup>th</sup> is Ugly Truck Day. Which, before you even get to the page, HolidayInsights warns is “a guy thing.” I took this to mean that dire consequences would be employed were I to so much as deign to preview the page, so in the interest of my own safety, we will learn no more about this holiday.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">July 27<sup>th</sup> is Take Your Pants for a Walk Day. Now, HolidayInsights describes this as a day to celebrate by simply heading out on a walk. And “unless you are wearing a dress or skirt, you probably are wearing pants. So, by definition, as you walk, they come along.” However, I think that’s fairly halfhearted. I plan on celebrating this holiday by attaching my pants to a leash and taking them for a nice brisk powerwalk around the block. Keepin’ it literal. For realz.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div>SwaggerWagonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12347006575063202974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4901725627794323369.post-19934517883381391702011-01-23T18:25:00.000-08:002011-01-23T18:25:53.392-08:00In Other News...<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The following are all actual newspaper headlines.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Include Your Children When Baking Cookies</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Iraqi Head Seeks Arms</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Teacher Strikes Idle Kids </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Miners Refuse to Work After Death</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Stolen Painting Found by Tree</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, it May last a While</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Deer Kill 17,000</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Kids Make Nutritious Snacks</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">5<sup>th</sup>-Graders Get to Grill Lions</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Autos Killing 110 a Day; Let’s Resolve to Do Better</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn’t Seen in Years</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Child’s Stool Great for Use in Garden</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Grandmother of 8 Makes Hole in One</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Kicking Baby Considered to be Healthy</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Robber Holds Up Albert’s Hosiery</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Smokers are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Stiff Opposition Expected for Casketless Funeral Plan</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">William Kelly was Fed Secretary</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Never Withhold Herpes from Loved One</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Royals to Get a Taste of Angels’ Colon</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Skywalkers in Korea Cross Han Solo</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Man Executed After Long Speech</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> (the woman they are referring to is councilwoman Laura Chick)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Threat Disrupts Plans to Meet About Threats</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Alton Attorney Accidentally Sues Himself</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Volunteers Search for Old Civil War Planes</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> (Yeah, so… let me know how that goes, guys.)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Army Vehicle Disappears</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">An Australian Army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">camouflage.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Meeting on Open Meetings is Closed</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">DOE to do NEPA’s EIS on BNFL’s AMWTP at INEEL after SRA Protest</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Waterford Boy, 8, Saves Sister’s Life</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I wouldn’t do it again. She’s been a pain this week.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Utah Poison Control Center Reminds Everyone Not to Take Poison</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Local Child Wins Gun From Fundraiser</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">House Passes Gas Tax On to Senate</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Two Convicts Evade Noose; Jury Hung</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Air Head Fired Steals Clocks, Faces Time</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Psychics Predict World Didn’t End Yesterday</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Sun or Rain Expected Today; Dark Tonight</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Soap and Water Still Cleans Well</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Statistics Show That Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Fisherman Arrested for Using Wife as Shark Bait</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Specialist: Electric Chair Can Be “Extremely Painful”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Tips to Avoid Alligator Attacks</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">-Don’t swim in waters inhabited by large alligators.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Due to the lack of interest by friends and relatives, the birthday party for Becky Pritchard has </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">been cancelled.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Prostitutes Appeal to Pope</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Death Causes Loneliness, Feelings of Isolation</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal by Landslide</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Lack of Brains Hinders Research</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Lawyer Says Client is not that Guilty</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Old School Pillars are replaced by Alumni</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Patient at Death’s Door, Doctors Pull Him Through</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Stolen Painting Found by Tree</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Woman Improving After Fatal Crash</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Workers Finish Boring Sewer Tunnel</span></div>SwaggerWagonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12347006575063202974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4901725627794323369.post-91026428231006625692011-01-23T17:42:00.000-08:002011-01-23T17:42:50.876-08:00Dear Abby<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The following are actual letters sent to Dear Abby, a well-known advice column found in a majority of newspapers, whether it be local or national. Because idiots need help, too.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Dear Abby,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> Dear Abby,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who was been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Dear Abby,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And now for a few short back-and-forths in order to showcase the wonderfully sassy Abigail Van Buren, the author of the column,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Dear Abby,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I’d like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he’d like?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Dear Carol,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Never mind what he’d like. Give him a tie.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Dear Abby,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Dear Wondering,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The baby was on time, the wedding was late.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Dear Abby,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Dear Sam in California,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yes. Run for public office.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Dear Abby,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">What inspires you most to write?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Dear Ted,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The Bureau of International Revenue.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Dear Abby,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">What’s the difference between a wife and a mistress?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Dear Bess, </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Night and day.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Dear Abby, </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">My husband hates to spend money! I cut my own hair and make my own clothes, and I have to account for every nickel I spend. Meanwhile he has a stock of savings bonds put away that would choke a cow. How do I get some money out of him before we are both called to our final judgment? He says he’s saving for a rainy day.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Dear Forty Years Hitched,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Tell him it’s raining.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Dear Abby,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I know boys will be boys, but my “boy” is seventy-three and he’s still chasing women. Any suggestions?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Dear Annie,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Don’t worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn’t know what to do with it.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Dear Abby,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I am a forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Dear Rose,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">So would I.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And for the finale… This sparkler, which was dubbed as Letter of the Month by Abby herself.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span></span>Dear Abby,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span></span>I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve <span></span><span></span>suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span></span>The usual signs… Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the <span></span>girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t<span> </span>know them.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span></span>I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive, although I <span></span>can hear a car setting off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn’t in a <span></span>taxi?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span></span>I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should<span> </span>never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span></span>Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the <span></span>truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span></span>I decided I was going to park my Harley next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view <span></span>of the whole street when she comes home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed <span></span>that the rocker boxes on my engine seem to be leaking a little oil.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span></span>Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span></span>Thanks, Jim<span> </span><span> </span></span></div>SwaggerWagonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12347006575063202974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4901725627794323369.post-64775331343301931912011-01-23T17:13:00.001-08:002011-01-23T17:13:13.252-08:00Get Down With the Sickness (Idiocy is a Disease)<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The following are all taken from actual medical patients’ records.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Because sadlariosity is a sickness.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day, it disappeared.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“The patient refused autopsy.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Patient is numb from her toes down.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.”<span> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Discharge status: alive but without permission.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Patient expired on the floor uneventfully.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“The patient was in his usual good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Patient is still under our car for physical therapy.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.” (…I truly do not understand what sort of medical issue could possibly lead to this advice being given)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“The bugs that grew out of her urine were cultures in Casualty and are not available. I WILL FIND THEM!”</span></div>SwaggerWagonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12347006575063202974noreply@blogger.com0