Sunday, April 3, 2011


When discussing Twitter, most people describe it as a means of sharing unimportant, boring, and irrelevant details ABOUT ONE’S LIFE. It is disregarded as useless and stupid, catering only to those who have nothing better to do than read the minute details of the lives of their favorite celebrities and/or peers who feel their lives are important enough to share with the entire internet. What these people are forgetting is that Twitter has placed no ban on tweeting things of some intellectual value.  The public nature of Twitter allows users to share the wittiest, sharpest things they can pack into 140 characters instantaneously. This accessibility to that wide variety and high quality of finely honed humor has created a new breed of humor altogether. The following tweets are from a book I just finished reading called Twitter Wit. It is a compilation of “the most memorable and hilarious tweets to date” and it makes me wish I could be half as funny as these people.

London City airport. Where form meets function. AND THEY HAVE A FIGHT.

I get the impression that the Fat Acceptance movement is more about acceptance than it is movement.

I fell victim to a Fonzie scheme. My financial advisor kept flashing me the thumbs-up and saying “Aaaaay!” And calling me Richie.

“Did you just fart?” “Well, I didn’t *just* fart; there was pageantry and tradition.”

Dear McDonald’s: I don’t care *who* sings it, there is no such thing as “that McNuggets lovin’.” Ew ew ew ew ew.

The face-painting at the birthday party this morning was subpar. One girl asked for Tiger and got Surprised Basketball instead.

Uggs: the onomatopoeia of footwear.

Apparently “You don’t have an interview somewhere else, do you?” is the new “You look nice today.”

The three worst mistakes you can make are overpromising and underdelivering.

What’s the difference between Gary Busey and fruitcake? Fruitcake doesn’t always have rum in it.

Heading on Amtrak from Seattle to Portland. I’m looking forward to revealing to everyone soon that they are on a sing-along train.

Why aren’t martini glasses shaped so that they don’t spill so easily on the bus?

Worst-case scenario, Roomba edition: dog poo on the floor. ‘Nuf said. :-(

Swallowed a fly earlier. I know I can get it out. If only I could remember what comes after goat.

Having a tribal tattoo is like having a wallet chain that you are never, ever allowed to take off.

Family will be here in two hours. There are not nearly enough spaces to hide things in this apartment. It’s like I’m playing Shame Tetris.

Fact: every time Barbara Walters makes someone cry with her first question, she gets an extra life.

I keep a record of EVERYTHING  coworkers tell me. If I had a nickel for every time they told me to stop doing thing, I’d have exactly $12.45.

This week is so slow whoever plays it in a movie will win an Oscar.

I really wish customs agents would stop trying to punk me.
@aplusk (Ashton Kutcher)

One day, will our children turn to us and ask, “Mommy and Daddy, why was all of your hip-hop performed by braggy robots?”

I don’t believe in holidays that Google doesn’t change its logo for.

The guy who invented those small touch screens on planes will experience hell as being poked in the back of the head repeatedly by pixies.

Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch.

Hail making scratching sounds on the windows. I told the kids snowmen were trying to get into the house. Sleep tight, kids.

My personality test results came back. They’re negative.

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, his name is my name, too. Whenever I go out, the people always shout, “Hey… guy.”

Just explained Twitter to my friend Bill. I don’t think I did it right, as he’s excited to sign up.

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