Saturday, March 26, 2011

No- THANK You, AutoCorrect

I have to admit, I’m rather excited to share a new discovery with you. This website has more or less officially landed on my Favorites list. is a website devoted entirely to the spectacular failures generated by the iPhone’s auto-correct system, which appears to be painstakingly engineered to not only “correct” what you have typed and warp it into something completely different from what you originally intended, but also to make sure that the surprise outcome is as mortifying as possible. A few of my favorites:

“My mom took these from you a long time ago, want them back lol”
“That is my first pair of skis!!! How did you get them?!”
“Idk lol. We just found them in our grandma.”
“Garage… really?”

“You would be my knight in shunning armpit.”
“And by that I mean knight in shining armor.”

“I’m baaaack!”
“Yay… I can hardly contain my excrement.”
“Excitement! I meant excitement!!!”

“You comin in to work today?”
“Yep! Will be in at 10.”
“Awesome! Stop and smell Mari’s bowelmovement on the way up! Yum! Spring!”
“Either that’s autocorrect, or you have the most awful sense of smell ever!!!”
“Omg!!! Bouquettttt I’m sorry!!!”

“I don’t know how to make you forgive me.”
“I apologized a thousand times. What more do you want?”
“Actions speak louder than wombats.”
“HAHAHA words. That was funny. But I’m still really mad at you.”

“I wanted to be a bassists when I was younger. My sunfish would ask for nasalsausages all the time.”
“There is so much fail right there. Wow. Let’s try that again.”
“Please do”
“I wanted to be a masseuse when I was younger. My auntie would ask for massages all the time.”

“I’m sorry baby.”
“I had wanted to get home to make you dinner. I didn’t mean to add to your bad fatness.”
“Bad dayness. Try typing it. It turns into fatness. I promise I didn’t mean to write that.”
“I love you and I’ll leave you alone now.”

“Daddy you’re so smart and amazing and handsome. Can I borrow your car Saturday? ;)”
“Oh I knew you wanted something!”
“Flatulence will get you nowhere!”
“I definitely meant flattery. But flatulence won’t get you anywhere either. I know that first hand.”

“There’s a ton of little green lepers at the playground today.”
“Oh, s**t, leprechauns!”

“When are you going to Orlando?”
“In 4 days!”
“I’m jealous. I want to go!”
“And get my picture taken with mickey manboobs”
“Mouseeeeeeeeeee!!! FML seriously”

“What movie are you renting tonight?”
“Harry Potter”
“Which one?”
“Harry Potter and the deadly halitosis”
“HAHAHA *deathly hallows I’m dying”

“Okay good. So you’re not perishing tonight are you?”
“And by perishing I of course mean perishing”

“Hey mom on your way over tomorrow could you bring me a few cans of chicken noodle and menstrual poop?”
“Crap I meant tomato soup!”

“You okay? You seem sad.”
“A little. I’m still stuck in Boston and Jason is back home at some strip club with 2 of his friends that I hate.”
“Well you know what they say: while the cats away, the mouse will plagiarize.”
“HAHAHA *play”

“Be there in 15. I have to pick up my mom’s Mexican first.”
“I meant medicine! Blood pressure medicine! Ducking autocorrect.”

“No one has a camera”
“Your phone does”
“The pictures suck with it”
“Ya… for some reason when you take pictures of people it makes their eyes look all feminist”
“Demonic… not feminist.”

“Hi Gregory are you being good”
“I am! Just picked up my new Harley and have been driving around with heather.”
“Oh please be careful. I worry. You could get really inseminated.”
“That doesn’t happen on the cycle mom! ;)”
“Oh this phone. I meant injured. BE CAREFUL.”

“Your chicken marsala was delicious. How do you make it?”
“Oh you liked it? Awesome! It’s just dredged in flour and cooked in butter, oil, and wine.”
“And sprinkled with salt and freshly ground black people.”
“OMG! Noooo! Ground black pepper. That was horrible.”
“Whoa! Sorry I asked!”

“I’ve got to tell you something. Are you sitting down?”
“I am actually. What’s up mom?”
“Your brother was adopted!”
“What??? What are you talking about?”
“Why are you telling me this over a text? Call me”
“Oh this damn phone. I wrote accepted and the phone changed it. He got accepted to Yale!”

“How’s the morning sickness?”
“Not too bad today. I can’t believe that we’re having another baby J
“I’m leaving you”
now. I’m leaving work NOW. I am NOT leaving you!”
“Now I’m really gonna throw up”

“Grrrrrrl I know. I just got home from work and am curled up with a bowl of nazi ball soup.”
“That did not just happen.”
“omg. Matzo ball soup. And I’m Jewish. Oh the irony.”

“Sorry I’m running late, I got busy putting stuff in my anus and lost track of time. Be there soon”
“Wow- attic- not anus!”

“I’m going to sleep. I’ll call you at 8.”
“I wish I could sleep. My neighbor has like 12 Welshman hanging from his tree and they’re so loud.”

“How’d it go at the doctor’s?”
“Oh not bad. She put me on a smurf control pill.”
“Birth control! WTF is wrong with my phone? Yesterday I asked my mom to buy me barfbags instead of napkins.”

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