Sunday, December 19, 2010

No Remorse

Okay, listen up. From this point on, there will be no more guilt-stricken apologies, no more groveling pleas for your tolerance, no more feeble promises that the mediocrity will soon end. Writing a blog is difficult, mmkay? I’m tired of wracking my brain for better ideas when I have a single idea that I can wring twelve different blog posts out of. So, we’re following through and finishing out the calendar year with these stupid holidays, regardless of how much it irritates you, reader (I say this not to sound like I’m personally connecting with my audience, but because I literally have only one reader).
I now direct my blogging angst towards the month of June’s collection of stupid holidays. I smite you and your frivolous festivities.

June is Fight the Filthy Fly Month. This may be the most derogatory language I’ve ever seen used by Holiday Insights. They clearly have an unsavory history with the fly. Oh, and just for clarification purposes, I think we should all assume that by “fly”, they meant the irritating little bug that allegedly defecates every time it lands, not the zipper that keeps your pants closed.

June is also National Turkey Lovers Month. I’m going to assume that this is not a month for people who enjoy eating turkey meat, but rather a month for us to celebrate the romantic union of two turkeys.

June is also National Fresh Fruit and Vegetables Month. Eating responsibly, gross.

June 2nd is National Bubba Day. This is a day for us to honor people named Bubba. Which, ironically, is the Yiddish word for “grandmother”. I only say this is ironic because, if you’re anything like me, the first image that comes to mind upon hearing the name Bubba is that of a middle-aged man with some grizzly facial hair and a trucker cap.

Does anybody even KNOW a person named Bubba?

June 3rd is Repeat Day. “Repeat day is an opportunity to do things over and over again. Repeat Day is an opportunity to do things over and over again. (hee, hee)”
Despite the fact that you are the only source I trust for my stupid holiday information, I absolutely loathe you for this, Holiday Insights. You and your sickeningly cutesy comments. Gag me.

June 4th is Hug Your Cat Day. Ohmygodyouguys. I am so excited for this. So. Excited. For the record, this is not being written with the bitterly disdainful sarcasm I typically reserve for this blog. I love my cat.
Too bad she bites me when I hug her.

June 4th is also Old Maid’s Day. “Still haven’t found “Mr. Right”? Yet, the years are beginning to pile up? Don’t worry of fret. This day is for you. Old Maid’s Day brings awareness to those of us who have not yet found (and caught) our soul mates. Old Maid’s Day exists to put into the spotlight all of the fair maidens who have yet to find their Prince Charming. Ladies, celebrate Old Maid’s Day by getting out and getting noticed. Guys, open your eyes… “Mrs. Right” may be right under your nose.”
Holiday Insights, please sit down for a second. We need to talk.
A) This holiday is supposed to be inspirational, but it just kind of makes me sad.
B) If you have to “catch” your soul mate in order to secure a lifetime of love and happiness, you’re doing something incorrectly, champ.
C) I’m not one-hundred percent positive that those who have failed in the search for a lifetime partner thus far, and are probably already very self-conscious about this fact, are begging to have a “spotlight” shining on them and their shame.
D) Guys should not be looking for “Mrs. Right”, because as her title implies, she is already married, and therefore her husband, “Mr. Right” might not be too pleased when he finds his wife right under your nose.

June 6th is National Gardening Exercise Day. I’m only writing about this to let you know that Holiday Insights’s description begins with, “Get out and exercise with your plants.” I will give you ten dollars if, on June 6th, you put on an 80’s-style workout outfit and jazzercise with your foliage. Seriously.

June 13th is My Birthday! And thus the world became a better place…

June 13th is also Sewing Machine Day. Because they really had nothing cooler to celebrate on my birthday. “Today’s Thought Provoking Saying: ‘A stitch in time saves nine.’
…saves nine ‘what’?”

That’s deep, Holiday Insights. That is deep.

June 23rd is Take Your Dog to Work Day. I think Holiday Insights wants you to get fired, the diabolical little devils…

June 27th is Sun Glasses Day. Despite the fact that June 26th is Forgiveness Day, I’m still not forgiving Holiday Insights for neglecting to note that “sunglasses” is a single word.


The best way to lose all faith in the American educational system and the intelligence of the occupants of this country in general is to check out a Facebook news feed. The following are from, and they provide me with equal amounts amusement and disgusted pity.           

Person A: “Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles. –Charles Chaplin.”

Person B: “Hey… did u ever get that tanning lotion you were talking about?”

“Stephen is single.”

Nylora: “Really? Is this like the 5th time this week? Wassup wit dat?”

Stephen: “Just leave it alone mom, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Caitlynn is now single.”

Mike: “Wooo back on the market. What you doin tonight girl?”

Caitlynn: “Actually, my boyfriend was hit by a car a few months ago. I just got around to changing my status but I’m still not over it. Sorry.”

“Janice is listed as single.”

Jared: “You and dad divorced?”

Janice: “I forgot to mention that to you”

Kathy: “Dear Gregory, my friend Susan just started on the facebook and she helped me set one up too. She’s using it to talk to her son in graduate school and I thought that since you have trouble returning voicemails from your dear old mother I’d give it a try. XOXO, MOM”

Greg: “Hey Kathy I think you’ve got the wrong person. Honest mistake I’m sure.”

Kathy: “Dear Gregory, obviously you’ve inherited your father’s crackpot sense of humor. This is a good way for us to keep in touch, but I can’t seem to see the rest of your page. Is something wrong? Okay, well keep in touch and call soon. MOM”

Greg: “Heyy yeah I dont really know whats going on but you’re not my mom.”

“Michael this is your Mother, unfortunatly you have left your FB open and regrettably there are many things I don’t like about it, for instance the captain morgan bottle your friends are seemingly obsessed with. We will talk about your plans for the next couple of weeks and the new school you will be attending. Sweet dreams.”

"She Just Apologized to the Fire Extinguisher"

The following are from, a site dedicated to exposing the “tendency to press send more easily as night turns to morning.” However, I think it could be more succinctly summarized as an overall look at why drinking is bad.

“And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to family picture day.”

“A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you San Francisco.”

“I found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning. Do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?”

“I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool Osiris shoes are”

“Just saw a women with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.”

“She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.”

“It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.”

“Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.”

“When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten Little Debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.”

“He’s trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a Sharpie. I’m not sure how that’s going to help him on his chem. final, but he keeps shouting ‘This is how the pros do it’”

“No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.”

“Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring ‘ROOM, PLEASE’ as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.”

“I’m handcuffed to the toilet. Don’t ask.”

“If there’s anything I pride myself on, it’s my ability to look homeless.”

Sunday, December 12, 2010

No Title Necessary; You Know I've Thought of Nothing New

Blah blah blah, OMG I’m hopelessly unoriginal and my mind is a monstrous black hole of unoriginality and despair, blah blah blah, empty promise that next week will be better, blah blah blah, desperate plea for your tolerance and/or approval. Well, I think we’ve covered all the usual formalities. Let’s get to business. May, please take your place around the campfire. You’re about to be roasted.

May is Date Your Mate Month. Because the other 11 months are designated for the dating of other people’s mates?

May is both National Hamburger Month and National Blood Pressure Month. Seriously, is somebody doing this on purpose?

May 1st is Save the Rhino Day. I was completely on board with this holiday and its purpose (to raise awareness about the endangerment of the rhino)…. Until I saw the picture Holiday Insights supplied. Quite frankly, if that’s how the rhino’s going to look, I don’t feel the least bit compelled to save them.

May 3rd is Lumpy Rug Day. Contrary to popular belief, the “Lumpy Rug” in question is not a dance your parents did at their school dances. It’s even more stupid than that. Lumpy Rug Day is a day to “appreciate a good rug.”  Because, apparently, somebody thinks WE NEED TO BE CELEBRATING SOMETHING EVERY SINGLE DAY OF THE YEAR. Ridiculous.

May 6th is National Tourist Appreciation Day. Because I would like nothing more than to appreciate these people.

May 6th is also International No Diet Day.

just a quick candid of me doing a bit o' celebrating last year.

May 8th is No Socks Day. Also known as Nobody Wants to See Your Wookiee Toes Day.

May 9th is Lost Sock Memorial Day. See, if you hadn’t participated in No Socks Day, you would know where they were. It’s your fault for participating in such an asinine holiday.

May 14th is Dance Like a Chicken Day. No.

May 15th is National Sea Monkey Day. My brother used to have sea monkeys. I named one of them Hermione. Unfortunately, they were killed when, in a well-intentioned attempt to save them from a spider, I hid them in a drawer. R.I.P. Hermione.

May 21st is National Memo Day. Here, I’ll pre-write one for you: GET A LIFE.

May 24th is National Escargot Day. Dis. Gus. Ting.

May 25th is National Tap Dance Day. Don’t do this.

May 30th is Water a Flower Day. You’re only allowed to participate in this if A) you water only one flower, B) you water this one flower only on this designated day, and C) you express as much enthusiasm about it as the man depicted below.

Holi-Don'ts (I Hate Myself)

Per the assurance of a fellow AP Lang. classmate that no, my holiday posts were not stupid and boring and a crime against the internet (I sincerely hope she was not lying to me in order to spare my feelings…), combined with the fact that, yet again, my mind is completely blank when it comes to new, non-recycled ideas for topics to blog about, I will be doing more posts about stupid holidays (please don’t hate me; my will to live is strongly correlated with the flow of positive encouragement of others). *turns around* Oh, hey, April. Uh, sit down. I think we need to talk.

April is both National Humor Month and Sexual Assault Awareness Month. So, uh, no further comments on that…

April 3rd is Don’t Go to Work Unless it’s Fun Day. Holiday actually advises us to ask for our bosses’ permission before we decide to skip work.
You: "Hey, boss, it’s me. I’d like to request permission to skip work today."
Your Boss: "Um… what? Why? Are you sick?"
You: "No."
Your Boss: "Your car won’t start?"
You: "No."
Your Boss: "Your epileptic dog is missing and you need to find him before he accidentally wanders into a nightclub and is potentially sent spiraling into a series of severe seizures?"
You: "No. It’s Don’t Go to Work Unless it’s Fun Day."
Your Boss: "You’re fired."

April 4th is Hug a Newsman Day. This is very welcome news to me, and (I’m sure) my entire family. We have all had something of a collective crush on local newsman Bruce Aune, of KRCG TV-9 fame, for quite some time now. This infatuation with Mr. Aune began when my brother and I were in 7th grade, and he entered the news station’s writing contest, which he ultimately won first prize in. The winner received a trip to DisneyWorld for themselves and their family, as well as all the fame and prestige that goes along with winning a title as prestigious as this (read: none). However, the real prize was that we got to meet Bruce Aune in the newsroom and Kyle got to pose for publicity shots with him (see below). Hence, Hug a Newsman Day would be a very exciting holiday to celebrate. Very exciting indeed.
note: my brother isn't actually QUITE that fat. he's merely holding a bag the same color as his shirt.

April 4th is also Tell a Lie Day. Holiday creators have no conscience.

April 6th is Plan Your Epitaph Day. Get ready to get festive.

 April 6th is also Sorry Charlie Day. A) That doesn’t rhyme. B) Who decided we needed to have a holiday specifically dedicated to looking back on all the times you’ve been rejected in life? Holiday Insights explains: “Take a minute today and reflect upon a past dejection. Then, smile with the realization that “__ it happens… to all of us!” (note: that is a verbatim quote. Of course Holiday Insights did not swear, and I would certainly hate to defile their sickeningly cutesy, perky image by implying as such)

April 8th is Draw a Picture of a Bird Day. Why?

April 10th is National Sibling Day. “A day to appreciate and cherish your brothers and sisters.” I always appreciate and cherish my twin brother, but, unfortunately, 99.99% of our conversations are some variation on this:
Me: "Hi, Kyle! Want to link arms and skip down the sidewalk?"
Kyle: "You’re fat and adopted."

…I am NOT adopted.

April 14th is Ex Spouse Day. Holiday Insights describes: “If you value your ex in any way, give him or her whatever recognition and appreciation you feel is appropriate today. If you cannot find any redeeming trait, no one will fault you for skipping today’s celebrations altogether.” However, I am choosing to interpret this as Yard-TPing, Car-Keying, House-Egging Day. Have fun, scorned exes. May nothing hinder your thirst for vengeance on this great day.

April 14th is also Look Up at the Sky Day. Also known as Be As Counterproductive as Possible Day.

April 14th is ALSO Mckenzie's birthday. Why, you ask, does this qualify as something notable enough to acknowledge on my blog? Because Mckenzie is the only person who reads this blog and if I'm not nice to her, she might stop and leave me completely readerless.

April 19th is National Garlic Day. Also known as Nobody is Going to Kiss You Day.

The Monday after Easter is Dyngus Day. This may be the most horrifying holiday I’ve learned about as of yet. Dyngus day is intended to help boys meet girls. And they go about this by chasing after them with squirt guns or buckets and drenching them with water or cologne. And if that’s not having the lady magnet effect you’re looking for, one can also hit them on the legs with switches or twigs. If anybody of the male gender actually chooses to participate in this holiday, I can guarantee you one thing. They will definitely be meeting some ladies… in court.

April 26th is Hug an Australian Day. Yes, please.

The New Tinsel

Happy December Twelfth, everybody! Only thirteen more days until Christmas! If you’re anything like my family, you’ve been far too busy (read: lazy) to start decorating for the holidays. I myself am grimly beginning to come to the realization that I will most likely be decorating the Christmas tree all by my lonesome self this year, singing along half-heartedly to the *NSYNC Christmas album and perhaps occasionally coaxing the cat into perfunctorily batting at a strand of tinsel or chewing on some tree lights.
I firmly believe that my family would be much more inclined to participate in all the decorating fun if we had more interesting decorations. Note: by “interesting”, I mean “significantly less dignified and significantly more amusing.” Here we go.

These nostalgic candles feature innocent schoolchildren caroling, reminding one of the days they spent doing the very same in their youth, going from house to house and gracing the occupants with the glory of song. Granted, many of you may or may not remember being set aflame whilst you sang…

Silly me, I thought this snowman was holding his arms like that merely because he was getting himself psyched to wrap us in a big, fat (admittedly a tad creepy) bearhug. However, this assumption turned out to be wildly incorrect, and, boy, do I feel like a complete idiot. Obviously, this snowman is getting ready to festively pop, lock, and drop to Lil’ Jon and the Eastside Boyz’ (Boyz’s? Boyzs’? I’m really not sure how to pluralize that) “Get Low.” If that doesn’t say “holiday warmth and cheer”, I don’t know what does. (for those of you who have never had the pleasure of hearing this song, I highly commend you on your ability to uphold some level of musical dignity. However, if you decide you absolutely must hear this song to fully appreciate the holiday wonder this snowman inspires, you could, theoretically, go look it up. Note: I am not responsible for these lyrics. This one’s all on you, Lil’ Jon and the Eastside Boyz)

Yes. This is exactly what it looks like. What better way to celebrate the religious aspect of this holiday by purchasing a nativity scene consisting entirely of rubber duckies dressed as baby J and the gang?

 For those of you who have only one holiday wish, and it’s to make people hate you as immediately and all-encompassingly as possible.

 For the jokesters in your neighborhood who like to spread holiday cheer by placing this on their house in the hopes of luring a fifty-five year-old woman into nearly killing herself climbing up a ladder in an attempt to save this poor man (true story. Seriously).

The epitome of class.

 I think I may have hit the jackpot in terms of sadlarious Christmas decorations. The following figurines are from, and no, they are not actually intended to be amusing. They are, in fact, supposed to be inspirational, and are therefore unintentionally hilarious. The website’s description is as follows:

“Handpainted resin statues on a solid wood base are the perfect gift for every young Catholic athlete. These statues portray Jesus actively participating with boys and girls in a variety of sports. A wonderful way to reinforce Jesus “as friend” in everyday activities.
The statues on this page now include a brass nameplate, “Jesus Is My Coach.”