Sunday, December 19, 2010

No Remorse

Okay, listen up. From this point on, there will be no more guilt-stricken apologies, no more groveling pleas for your tolerance, no more feeble promises that the mediocrity will soon end. Writing a blog is difficult, mmkay? I’m tired of wracking my brain for better ideas when I have a single idea that I can wring twelve different blog posts out of. So, we’re following through and finishing out the calendar year with these stupid holidays, regardless of how much it irritates you, reader (I say this not to sound like I’m personally connecting with my audience, but because I literally have only one reader).
I now direct my blogging angst towards the month of June’s collection of stupid holidays. I smite you and your frivolous festivities.

June is Fight the Filthy Fly Month. This may be the most derogatory language I’ve ever seen used by Holiday Insights. They clearly have an unsavory history with the fly. Oh, and just for clarification purposes, I think we should all assume that by “fly”, they meant the irritating little bug that allegedly defecates every time it lands, not the zipper that keeps your pants closed.

June is also National Turkey Lovers Month. I’m going to assume that this is not a month for people who enjoy eating turkey meat, but rather a month for us to celebrate the romantic union of two turkeys.

June is also National Fresh Fruit and Vegetables Month. Eating responsibly, gross.

June 2nd is National Bubba Day. This is a day for us to honor people named Bubba. Which, ironically, is the Yiddish word for “grandmother”. I only say this is ironic because, if you’re anything like me, the first image that comes to mind upon hearing the name Bubba is that of a middle-aged man with some grizzly facial hair and a trucker cap.

Does anybody even KNOW a person named Bubba?

June 3rd is Repeat Day. “Repeat day is an opportunity to do things over and over again. Repeat Day is an opportunity to do things over and over again. (hee, hee)”
Despite the fact that you are the only source I trust for my stupid holiday information, I absolutely loathe you for this, Holiday Insights. You and your sickeningly cutesy comments. Gag me.

June 4th is Hug Your Cat Day. Ohmygodyouguys. I am so excited for this. So. Excited. For the record, this is not being written with the bitterly disdainful sarcasm I typically reserve for this blog. I love my cat.
Too bad she bites me when I hug her.

June 4th is also Old Maid’s Day. “Still haven’t found “Mr. Right”? Yet, the years are beginning to pile up? Don’t worry of fret. This day is for you. Old Maid’s Day brings awareness to those of us who have not yet found (and caught) our soul mates. Old Maid’s Day exists to put into the spotlight all of the fair maidens who have yet to find their Prince Charming. Ladies, celebrate Old Maid’s Day by getting out and getting noticed. Guys, open your eyes… “Mrs. Right” may be right under your nose.”
Holiday Insights, please sit down for a second. We need to talk.
A) This holiday is supposed to be inspirational, but it just kind of makes me sad.
B) If you have to “catch” your soul mate in order to secure a lifetime of love and happiness, you’re doing something incorrectly, champ.
C) I’m not one-hundred percent positive that those who have failed in the search for a lifetime partner thus far, and are probably already very self-conscious about this fact, are begging to have a “spotlight” shining on them and their shame.
D) Guys should not be looking for “Mrs. Right”, because as her title implies, she is already married, and therefore her husband, “Mr. Right” might not be too pleased when he finds his wife right under your nose.

June 6th is National Gardening Exercise Day. I’m only writing about this to let you know that Holiday Insights’s description begins with, “Get out and exercise with your plants.” I will give you ten dollars if, on June 6th, you put on an 80’s-style workout outfit and jazzercise with your foliage. Seriously.

June 13th is My Birthday! And thus the world became a better place…

June 13th is also Sewing Machine Day. Because they really had nothing cooler to celebrate on my birthday. “Today’s Thought Provoking Saying: ‘A stitch in time saves nine.’
…saves nine ‘what’?”

That’s deep, Holiday Insights. That is deep.

June 23rd is Take Your Dog to Work Day. I think Holiday Insights wants you to get fired, the diabolical little devils…

June 27th is Sun Glasses Day. Despite the fact that June 26th is Forgiveness Day, I’m still not forgiving Holiday Insights for neglecting to note that “sunglasses” is a single word.

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