Sunday, December 5, 2010

Mark Your Calendar

Well, it’s that time of year again: the holidays are upon us. Thank god for all the helpful citizens of Cedar Rapids who, in an effort to ensure that the holidays would not creep up on any of us and take us by surprise, made sure their thirty-seven foot tall inflatable Santas and eerie robot reindeer were clearly on display by November 27th. However, no matter what winter holiday you celebrate, be it Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, or a new holiday I learned about from an Old Navy ad, “Dowhateveryouwannakkah”, we could all benefit from taking a step back from all this craziness and shedding some light on some of the more underappreciated holidays that take place in our calendar year. Let’s be predictable and start with January, shall we?

January 3rd is Humiliation Day. Now, prepare to feel crushing disappointment, much like I did, when I tell you that this holiday is not nearly as amusing as it sounds. Instead of a day designated for the intentional embarrassment of others, which I was fully prepared to celebrate with wholehearted enthusiasm, this is a day to recognize the damaging effects of humiliating others. So that’s nice, too. I guess.

This is adorable: January 6th is Cuddle Up Day. Now, this is precisely what it sounds like. According to holiday, Cuddle Up Day is an excellent opportunity to “cuddle with your cutie, snuggle with your sweetie, or hug your honey.” Needless to say, I am unbelievably impressed with how seriously they take their job of educating us about holidays. “Gee, this sounds great!” You say. “I can’t wait to celebrate Cuddle Up Day! But…” What is it, reader? What could possibly hinder your celebration? “Nobody wants to cuddle with me, as I take part in a religion that says hygiene is fictitious and is merely Beezlebub’s evil ploy to get us to wash all the holiness off ourselves.” Luckily for you, Holiday Insights has included a list of inanimate objects for you to cuddle with: your easy chair (hey now, don’t be so quick to judge! It’s not as “easy” as it looks; it’ll at least insist you buy dinner first), a stuffed animal, a book, a fireplace (please don’t actually try to cuddle with fire), or your quickly fleeing pride and dignity (okay, I added that last one).

Um… January 8th is Male Watchers Day. I don’t know who decided it would be a good idea to designate a national holiday solely for the purpose of creeping on men, but I have to commend them on their lack of dignity. Since I can’t possibly summarize this as well as Holiday Insights, I’ll let them take over:
"Ladies, here is a day that you can thoroughly enjoy! Male Watcher's Day is for all of you ladies out there to go out and watch the guys. After all, they have their fun watching the ladies. Now, it's your turn.  You can perform your Male Watching just about anywhere that suits your fancy. Popular places include:  
 -Watching them at work on the job, especially labor jobs where short shirts cover flowing muscles. 
-On the beach...too bad this day is in January. 
-Watching your favorite guy working....on a home project you wanted done.
- At a singles bar or sports bar. 
-At the's time to get even. This is where more than one guy has been known to visit for the sole purpose of watching the ladies. This may be your favorite.
It is okay to perform Male Watching discreetly, or quite visibly. Single, unattached ladies may prefer to be seen male watching.......for obvious reasons.
Sorry guys...we did not find a special "Girl Watcher's Day" for you. But, then isn't every day Girl Watcher's Day?"
Continuing in this frame of mind, January 12th is Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day. Quite frankly, I think this requires no further comments or explanations, and I’m not sure I’m entirely comfortable providing either. Who is being allowed to invent these holidays?!

 January 13th is International Skeptics Day. Wow. Really?

…See what I did there? Ha ha! 

January 14th is Dress Up Your Pet Day. No.

January 2oth is National Buttercrunch Day. What in God’s name is buttercrunch? I honestly thought it was some kind of elaborate wrestling maneuver, but apparently it’s some kind of dessert. A buttery, crunchy dessert.

January 21ist is National Hugging Day. Can also be utilized as your own personal Make Everyone You Know Super Uncomfortable Day.

January 28th is National Kazoo Day. This can quickly escalate into Most Creative Ways to  Destroy Kazoos Day.

January 31st is Backward Day. Ah, a Kindergarten classic.

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