Sunday, December 5, 2010

How to Lose All Your Friends in One Month

So, you know how I’m all creative and full of ingenuity and definitely not too lazy to think of a new idea for this week’s post and stuff? Yeah, me too. So strap in for a brand new dose of the same old same old, and get ready for some more holidays! February, it’s your turn…

The third week of February is International Flirting Week. So, uh… do with that what you will.
February 7th is Wave All Your Fingers at Your Neighbor Day. According to Holiday, in order to show “respect and appreciation” for your neighbor, you should wave with each and every one of your fingers. This fascinates me, because I was previously under the impression that this was an incredibly creepy manner in which to wave and you should only partake in it if you are playing a witch in an elementary school theater production. But perhaps I’m picturing it incorrectly.
February 7th is also Send a Card to a Friend Day. Also known as Feeble Attempt to Prevent the Extinction of the Greeting Card Industry Day. Nice try, Hallmark. Nice try.
February 9th is Toothache Day. Sounds fun, eh?
 February 11th is Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day. I am choosing to ignore Holiday Insight’s description explaining that this is a day intended for encouraging optimism and looking on the bright side, and instead interpreting it as a day to intentionally spill milk, stare defiantly at the puddle, and not cry.
February 13th is Get a Different Name Day. This is specifically for those of us who hate our names. Those of us who return to school after summer vacation, and suddenly insist on being called “Francois”, despite the fact that their name has and always will be “Eugene”. Also known as Dazed Identity Crisis Day.
February 20th is Hoodie-Hoo Day. According to Holiday Insights, “On this winter day, people go out at noon, wave their hands over their heads and chant ‘Hoodie-Hoo.’” What in God's name is wrong with this country?
February 21st is Card Reading Day. Seriously, Hallmark, let it go. I’m embarrassed for you.
February 22nd is Walking the Dog Day. If you need a holiday specifically dedicated to the cause in order to get you to walk your poor dog, I’m surprised the ASPCA hasn’t had you assassinated yet.
February 23rd is International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day. My dog sometimes eats her own feces. Therefore, I am more than happy to show a little love for something that is actually approved and socially acceptable for canine consumption.
February 26th is Tell a Fairy Tale Day. Also known as Con Your Kids into Believing in Ridiculous Things Like the Tooth Fairy, So They Can Spend Several Years of Their Lives Making Complete Fools Out Of Themselves By Writing Letters and Drawing Pictures in Attempts to Correspond with Fictitious People, So You Can Save These Letters and Laugh at Them for Years to Come Day. Thanks, Mom and Dad. Thanks.
February 28th is Public Sleeping Day. Also known as Feel Free to Pickpocket Me Day, I Would Very Much Like to be Fired Day, or Please Give Me Detention Day, depending on where or in what context you choose to slumber in.
February 28th is also National Tooth Fairy Day. (See Tell a Fairy Tale Day above). My mom loves to regale her friends with tales of how she cunningly duped her children into believing that a woman broke and entered through a window and removed a single tooth from under their pillows, paying them for their trouble. Personally, as a parent, I wouldn’t encourage my children to sell parts of their body to trespassers, but that’s just me.

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