March 7th is National Crown Roast of Pork Day. I don’t even know what that means. Also, this may be why the rest of the world thinks we’re carnivores of the crazed and chubby variety.
March 8th is Be Nasty Day. Oh…you’re only supposed to be mean one day of the year? My bad.
March 9th is Panic Day. This is a day specifically dedicated to panicking and fretting and checking your pulse and just being as irritating as possible to those around you. Because worrywarts are so endearing.
March 10th is Middle Name Pride Day. This is a day for everyone to take pride in their middle names. Because “it’s the middle name your parents gave you that makes your name unique.” This is clearly evident in the fact that 99% of the girls in this generation have the middle name “Marie”. So, if somebody happens to ask you about your middle name on March 10th, stand up and say it with conviction, with feeling, with pride. Yes, even you, boy from fourth grade whose middle name was Michelle. Loud and proud, homeboy. Loud and proud.
March 11th is Worship of Tools Day. See, I could easily make a lowbrow joke about the other kind of tools- obnoxious, self-centered men- but I refrained. Because I have standards. Besides, I like to save the real whoppers for my poop jokes. This is a day to celebrate actual tools. You know, workshop equipment? This holiday is intended specifically for men. Because men like tools. “There are a few things that the male population worships more than his tools”, in fact. Personally, I don’t quite understand this infatuation with tools. The only hammer I like is MC Hammer.
March 14th is National Potato Ship Day. Fatties.
March 15th is Dumbstruck Day. This is generally described as an excuse to be completely dumbfounded and baffled and bewildered by everything around you, but, quite frankly, that’s not too different from how we usually behave. Business as usual, I say.
March 18th is Goddess of Fertility Day. Lame excuse to dedicate a day to “procreating”, if you ask me. And who is letting John Mayer be in charge of making holidays now?
March 20th is Extraterrestrial Abductions Day. They’re coming for you. And they’re so organized, they coordinated their schedules and cleared their calendars for a prearranged date.
March 20th is also Proposal Day. I’m assuming these holidays only coincide because the aliens are going to ask for our hands in marriage.
March 22nd is National Goof Off Day. Is this not every day in America?
March 26th is Make Your Own Holiday Day. …I was under the impression that this is what everyone was already doing, which would be how we ended up with all of these stupid holidays. Are you telling me somebody approved these holidays to make them nationally recognized?
March 27th is National Joe Day. A day in which everyone calls each other Joe. Because that’s truly the epitome of comedic genius.
March 31st is Clam on the Half Shell Day. Gross.