Sunday, December 5, 2010

I Continue to be Consistently Unoriginal

           As embarrassed as I am to be announcing this, I appear to have hit some sort of “Blogger’s Block” in my writing process, a result of which being that I can think of absolutely no original ideas or topics to blog about. This would be why you readers (all two of you) are learning waaay more about stupid holidays than can possibly be healthy. So, I apologize for that. I’m sure we’ll be back to the usual pretentious cynicism and lowbrow poop jokes next week. So get psyched for that. But for now… March, come on down! You’re the next contestant on Why Your Holidays Are Frivolous and Deserve Condescending Judgment!

March 3rd is If Pets Had Thumbs Day. Does anybody else see how terrifying this would be? Anyone at all? What hell would break loose when the angst-filled pets of the world are suddenly equipped with the most useful finger?

March 5th is Multiple Personality Day. As described by Holiday, this is a day to “get in touch with yourselves.” We are cautioned to not be surprised when we see that we are surrounded by people talking to themselves on this day, and that we might even find ourselves shootin’ the breeze with the man in the mirror. In my opinion, this whole spectacle sounds incredibly embarrassing. I really cannot fathom why we as a country are encouraging this behavior. However, if you do choose to participate in these festivities (caution: I will judge you. A lot), just remember: “When you wish someone ‘Happy Multiple Personality Day’, you may need to do so multiple times, once for each personality.”

March 7th is National Crown Roast of Pork Day. I don’t even know what that means. Also, this may be why the rest of the world thinks we’re carnivores of the crazed and chubby variety.

March 8th is Be Nasty Day. Oh…you’re only supposed to be mean one day of the year? My bad.

March 9th is Panic Day. This is a day specifically dedicated to panicking and fretting and checking your pulse and just being as irritating as possible to those around you. Because worrywarts are so endearing.

March 10th is Middle Name Pride Day. This is a day for everyone to take pride in their middle names. Because “it’s the middle name your parents gave you that makes your name unique.” This is clearly evident in the fact that 99% of the girls in this generation have the middle name “Marie”. So, if somebody happens to ask you about your middle name on March 10th, stand up and say it with conviction, with feeling, with pride. Yes, even you, boy from fourth grade whose middle name was Michelle. Loud and proud, homeboy. Loud and proud.

March 11th is Worship of Tools Day. See, I could easily make a lowbrow joke about the other kind of tools- obnoxious, self-centered men- but I refrained. Because I have standards. Besides, I like to save the real whoppers for my poop jokes. This is a day to celebrate actual tools. You know, workshop equipment? This holiday is intended specifically for men. Because men like tools. “There are a few things that the male population worships more than his tools”, in fact. Personally, I don’t quite understand this infatuation with tools. The only hammer I like is MC Hammer.

March 14th is National Potato Ship Day. Fatties.

March 15th is Dumbstruck Day. This is generally described as an excuse to be completely dumbfounded and baffled and bewildered by everything around you, but, quite frankly, that’s not too different from how we usually behave. Business as usual, I say.

March 18th is Goddess of Fertility Day. Lame excuse to dedicate a day to “procreating”, if you ask me. And who is letting John Mayer be in charge of making holidays now?
March 20th is Extraterrestrial Abductions Day. They’re coming for you. And they’re so organized, they coordinated their schedules and cleared their calendars for a prearranged date.
March 20th is also Proposal Day. I’m assuming these holidays only coincide because the aliens are going to ask for our hands in marriage.

March 22nd is National Goof Off Day. Is this not every day in America?

March 26th is Make Your Own Holiday Day. …I was under the impression that this is what everyone was already doing, which would be how we ended up with all of these stupid holidays. Are you telling me somebody approved these holidays to make them nationally recognized?

March 27th is National Joe Day. A day in which everyone calls each other Joe. Because that’s truly the epitome of comedic genius.

March 31st is Clam on the Half Shell Day. Gross.

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