Holi-Don'ts (I Hate Myself)

Per the assurance of a fellow AP Lang. classmate that no, my holiday posts were not stupid and boring and a crime against the internet (I sincerely hope she was not lying to me in order to spare my feelings…), combined with the fact that, yet again, my mind is completely blank when it comes to new, non-recycled ideas for topics to blog about, I will be doing more posts about stupid holidays (please don’t hate me; my will to live is strongly correlated with the flow of positive encouragement of others). *turns around* Oh, hey, April. Uh, sit down. I think we need to talk.

April is both National Humor Month and Sexual Assault Awareness Month. So, uh, no further comments on that…

April 3^rd is Don’t Go to Work Unless it’s Fun Day. Holiday Insights.com actually advises us to ask for our bosses’ permission before we decide to skip work.

You: "Hey, boss, it’s me. I’d like to request permission to skip work today."

Your Boss: "Um… what? Why? Are you sick?"

You: "No."

Your Boss: "Your car won’t start?"

You: "No."

Your Boss: "Your epileptic dog is missing and you need to find him before he accidentally wanders into a nightclub and is potentially sent spiraling into a series of severe seizures?"

You: "No. It’s Don’t Go to Work Unless it’s Fun Day."

Your Boss: "You’re fired."

April 4^th is Hug a Newsman Day. This is very welcome news to me, and (I’m sure) my entire family. We have all had something of a collective crush on local newsman Bruce Aune, of KRCG TV-9 fame, for quite some time now. This infatuation with Mr. Aune began when my brother and I were in 7^th grade, and he entered the news station’s writing contest, which he ultimately won first prize in. The winner received a trip to DisneyWorld for themselves and their family, as well as all the fame and prestige that goes along with winning a title as prestigious as this (read: none). However, the real prize was that we got to meet Bruce Aune in the newsroom and Kyle got to pose for publicity shots with him (see below). Hence, Hug a Newsman Day would be a very exciting holiday to celebrate. Very exciting indeed.

note: my brother isn't actually QUITE that fat. he's merely holding a bag the same color as his shirt.

April 4^th is also Tell a Lie Day. Holiday creators have no conscience.

April 6^th is Plan Your Epitaph Day. Get ready to get festive.

 April 6^th is also Sorry Charlie Day. A) That doesn’t rhyme. B) Who decided we needed to have a holiday specifically dedicated to looking back on all the times you’ve been rejected in life? Holiday Insights explains: “Take a minute today and reflect upon a past dejection. Then, smile with the realization that “__ it happens… to all of us!” (note: that is a verbatim quote. Of course Holiday Insights did not swear, and I would certainly hate to defile their sickeningly cutesy, perky image by implying as such)

April 8^th is Draw a Picture of a Bird Day. Why?

April 10^th is National Sibling Day. “A day to appreciate and cherish your brothers and sisters.” I always appreciate and cherish my twin brother, but, unfortunately, 99.99% of our conversations are some variation on this:

Me: "Hi, Kyle! Want to link arms and skip down the sidewalk?"

Kyle: "You’re fat and adopted."

…I am NOT adopted.

April 14^th is Ex Spouse Day. Holiday Insights describes: “If you value your ex in any way, give him or her whatever recognition and appreciation you feel is appropriate today. If you cannot find any redeeming trait, no one will fault you for skipping today’s celebrations altogether.” However, I am choosing to interpret this as Yard-TPing, Car-Keying, House-Egging Day. Have fun, scorned exes. May nothing hinder your thirst for vengeance on this great day.

April 14^th is also Look Up at the Sky Day. Also known as Be As Counterproductive as Possible Day.

April 14th is ALSO Mckenzie's birthday. Why, you ask, does this qualify as something notable enough to acknowledge on my blog? Because Mckenzie is the only person who reads this blog and if I'm not nice to her, she might stop and leave me completely readerless.

April 19^th is National Garlic Day. Also known as Nobody is Going to Kiss You Day.

The Monday after Easter is Dyngus Day. This may be the most horrifying holiday I’ve learned about as of yet. Dyngus day is intended to help boys meet girls. And they go about this by chasing after them with squirt guns or buckets and drenching them with water or cologne. And if that’s not having the lady magnet effect you’re looking for, one can also hit them on the legs with switches or twigs. If anybody of the male gender actually chooses to participate in this holiday, I can guarantee you one thing. They will definitely be meeting some ladies… in court.

April 26^th is Hug an Australian Day. Yes, please.