Sunday, December 12, 2010

The New Tinsel

Happy December Twelfth, everybody! Only thirteen more days until Christmas! If you’re anything like my family, you’ve been far too busy (read: lazy) to start decorating for the holidays. I myself am grimly beginning to come to the realization that I will most likely be decorating the Christmas tree all by my lonesome self this year, singing along half-heartedly to the *NSYNC Christmas album and perhaps occasionally coaxing the cat into perfunctorily batting at a strand of tinsel or chewing on some tree lights.
I firmly believe that my family would be much more inclined to participate in all the decorating fun if we had more interesting decorations. Note: by “interesting”, I mean “significantly less dignified and significantly more amusing.” Here we go.

These nostalgic candles feature innocent schoolchildren caroling, reminding one of the days they spent doing the very same in their youth, going from house to house and gracing the occupants with the glory of song. Granted, many of you may or may not remember being set aflame whilst you sang…

Silly me, I thought this snowman was holding his arms like that merely because he was getting himself psyched to wrap us in a big, fat (admittedly a tad creepy) bearhug. However, this assumption turned out to be wildly incorrect, and, boy, do I feel like a complete idiot. Obviously, this snowman is getting ready to festively pop, lock, and drop to Lil’ Jon and the Eastside Boyz’ (Boyz’s? Boyzs’? I’m really not sure how to pluralize that) “Get Low.” If that doesn’t say “holiday warmth and cheer”, I don’t know what does. (for those of you who have never had the pleasure of hearing this song, I highly commend you on your ability to uphold some level of musical dignity. However, if you decide you absolutely must hear this song to fully appreciate the holiday wonder this snowman inspires, you could, theoretically, go look it up. Note: I am not responsible for these lyrics. This one’s all on you, Lil’ Jon and the Eastside Boyz)

Yes. This is exactly what it looks like. What better way to celebrate the religious aspect of this holiday by purchasing a nativity scene consisting entirely of rubber duckies dressed as baby J and the gang?

 For those of you who have only one holiday wish, and it’s to make people hate you as immediately and all-encompassingly as possible.

 For the jokesters in your neighborhood who like to spread holiday cheer by placing this on their house in the hopes of luring a fifty-five year-old woman into nearly killing herself climbing up a ladder in an attempt to save this poor man (true story. Seriously).

The epitome of class.

 I think I may have hit the jackpot in terms of sadlarious Christmas decorations. The following figurines are from, and no, they are not actually intended to be amusing. They are, in fact, supposed to be inspirational, and are therefore unintentionally hilarious. The website’s description is as follows:

“Handpainted resin statues on a solid wood base are the perfect gift for every young Catholic athlete. These statues portray Jesus actively participating with boys and girls in a variety of sports. A wonderful way to reinforce Jesus “as friend” in everyday activities.
The statues on this page now include a brass nameplate, “Jesus Is My Coach.”               

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