Sunday, March 20, 2011


Hi. Want to read some more about frivolous holidays?

Don’t care.

Here we go.

Now, let us move forth and crack open a sizeable can of condescension for the holidays of September. May disgust and cynicism rain down on them for all eternity.

September 2nd is National Beheading Day. Upon first reading this, I was absolutely terrified. I wondered how I had possibly managed to dodge the wrath of September 2nd for sixteen years, even considering the possibility that this could be the year. However, the page loaded soon thereafter and was consequently met with an unimpressed mumble and a hefty eye-roll. This holiday is absolute nonsense. The following is the description provided by Holiday Insights:

National Beheading Day is today. Hold onto your hat. And, make certain to keep your head screwed on tight.
Every once in a while, we happen upon a special day that has no apparent rhyme or reasoning. We can’t imagine why someone would create this day. It defies logic. But, National Beheading Day is very prolific on the net. So, therefore, it warrants a few (very few) words.
Throughout history, beheadings have occurred. The list is long, including commoners and kings. The most notable king to be beheaded was Charles I of England in 1645.
While this is a big day, don’t go crazy and lose your head. In addition to protecting your neck, we suggest you spend this day reading about famous beheadings.”

Just… shut up, Holiday Insights. Nobody likes you.
September 4th is Newspaper Carrier Day. To be quite honest, I didn’t even read the description provided for this holiday. I don’t want anything or anyone to dissuade me from the belief that the entire point of this holiday is to hide in your bushes and ambush, attack, etc. your newspaper carrier. Apologies are forbidden.
 September 8th is National Date Nut Bread Day. Find ONE person who actually eats date nuts and we’ll talk.
...what IS that?
 September 10th is Swap Ideas Day. I’m only informing you of this so we can share a quick moment of mutual disdain for the following:
“Sharing is good. Ideas are a good thing, too. Putting the two together should produce a real winner of a day, eh?!”
That’s enough, Holiday Insights. That’s enough.
September 29th is International Talk Like a Pirate Day.
I Googled "fat pirate", and this was the most relevant result. Just so you know... I tried.

As I am reading through this calendar of September, I am coming to the grim realization that September’s holidays are just… boring. They’re irrelevant, but not in a point and laugh sort of way. So thanks for nothing, Holiday Insights. Thanks. For. Nothing.

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