Riddle me this: what starts with O-C-T-O and ends with a vowel sandwiched between two consonants?
It’s OCTOBER, you idiot. OCTOBER. Fun fact: the only thing more stupid than you if you actually made both of the incorrect guesses above is the holidays of October. If you would like to feel a little bit better about yourself, read on.
Note: this increase in self-esteem will only last until a few hours later, when you find yourself flipping anxiously looking through the dictionary, eager to prove to your brother that “gullible” is indeed featured within the pages.
October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, Domestic Violence Awareness month, National Diabetes month, and Lupus Awareness month. It is also Sarcastic Month. This makes me feel inclined to thereby avoid taking every other title the month of October claims remotely seriously. I mean, come on Anonymous Holiday Creators. Poor planning on your part does not constitute genuine feelings on mine.
October 2nd is Name Your Car Day. I’m actually in full support of this holiday, as my family has a name for all five of our cars, and we’ve found it to be a very rewarding decision, as you can then pretend your car is a giant wheeled pet. My mother’s car, which joined the fam just yesterday, is technically named SkyRanger (mom’s choice… God knows how this crazy gene will infiltrate my bloodstream as I approach adulthood). However, I much prefer Ringo Galaxy, and hope to eventually use this name frequently enough that it will stick firmly. My father’s car is named Nathan, after a very unhelpful and uncharismatic movie theater employee we met in Kansas, on a day dad’s car was being uncharacteristically uncooperative. My older brother’s car is named CiCi, for no other reason than it is a Honda Civic. The car Kyle and I share is named Thugmuffin C, which was actually one of four answers to a question in a Jeopardy board game we were playing during that same trip to Kansas. Thugmuffin is our pride and joy, and those who are unaware of his actual identity may assume we are speaking of a religious figure or Oprah, as they hear the unbridled reverence in our voices. The fifth car, who was recently replaced by Ringo as my mother’s and has now been downgraded to my backup vehicle is named Bonnie (or BonBon, which I enjoy exclaiming as if the car were a particularly precocious puppy) solely because she is a Pontiac Bonneville.
Oh my god… I am so sorry about this.
October 7th is Bald and Free Day. Holiday Insights describes this as a day to honor those with a “beautiful, shiny top.” Bald jokes are prohibited on this day, and baldies themselves are encouraged to take a look on the bright side: they no longer have to pay for haircuts or nurture the shame one feels on a bad hair day.