AuGUST Of Stupid Holidays (See What I Did There?)

Thanks for bringin' him in, Chuckles.
Hello, August.
We've been waiting.

August 5^th is Work Like a Dog Day. HolidayInsights describes this as a day to “dig in relentlessly” and, basically, work like a maniac. Personally, I don’t get this holiday at all. Work like a DOG? I mean, I realize it’s just an expression, but…

oh, wait, wait, wait... I guess he's working pretty hard. at BREATHING.

August 6^th is Wiggle Your Toes Day. This makes me very uncomfortable. Toes freak me out a significant amount, and just the thought of millions of people setting aside a day to wiggle them about and be all gross and freaky and toe-y just does not sit well with me. Please, I beg of you, do not participate in Wiggle Your Toes Day. Please.

August 8^th is Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Day. I honestly thought that was some sort of euphemism for sexual relations. But apparently it’s just a day to PAWN UNWANTED ZUCCHINI FRUIT OFF ON YOUR UNSUSPECTING NEIGHBORS.

August 10^th is Lazy Day. Oh… is that... is that only supposed to be one day? Oops…

August 16^th is National Tell a Joke Day. This can quickly escalate into We Don’t Effing Care Why the Chicken Crossed the Damn Road, Now Go Lock Yourself in a Cupboard and Die Day.

August 18^th is Bad Poetry Day. To celebrate, HolidayInsights advises gathering a group of friends who are presumably incredibly lame just like you and having the following conversation:

You: *snicker* Hey, guys… wanna do something hilarious?

Your friends: Ha! Totally! Ha ha!

You: We should totally write some bad poetry and send to our former teachers! *chortle giggle snort snort guffaw*

Your friends: HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! *snort snort snort snort snort snort*

However, I suggest merely sitting in on an LA-9 class.

Note: I know, that hypothetical situation was completely outlandish.

A person like that wouldn’t have multiple friends.

August 21^st is comedian Bo Burnham’s birthday. I’m only including this because Mr. Burnham also happens to hold the title of My Favorite Person in the Existence of the Universe. I can think of no other way to quantize the amount of love I have for him other than to tell you that I have never uttered, thought, or written anything short of positively glowing adoration of him. And speaking as someone who authors a blog of which the sole focus is making fun of people, this is quite remarkable. My highest aspiration for this blog involves including Mr. Burnham as a co-author, so we can make fun of stoopies (new term for stupid people, obvi) together. Sigh.

P.S. I met him once. He let me touch his hair.

August 25^th is Kiss and Make Up Day. I’m only including this because I want to discuss the fact that HolidayInsights has been slyly inserting references to their sponsor, apparently some sort of gardening company, and they have been growing progressively more and more ridiculous as I’ve moved through the months. And I think they may have just reached the ultimate peak. Milestone, y’all:

August 30^th is Frankenstein Day. While HolidayInsights claims that this is a holiday celebrating the work of author Mary Wollenstone Shelley. However, I am able to see through their slick little veneer. This is clearly a day intended for celebrators to rob a local morgue and construct their very own Frankenstein monsters. Hey, you’ve always wanted a friend. Now’s your chance, champ.