Friday, February 25, 2011

I Googled "Huge Muffin Top" For You People

In lieu of a halfway decent topic, today’s post will be centered around the almighty Muffin Top. Get over it.

Now, for those of you who aren’t already aware of this phenomenon (read: disgustingly clueless and obligated to feel shame, lots and lots of shame), here are a few definitions of the term, provided by various websites:

Wikipedia: “a generally pejorative slang term used to describe the phenomenon of overhanging flesh (fat) when it spills over the waistline of pants or skirts in a manner that resembles the top of a muffin spilling over its paper casing.”

 Urban Dictionary, throwing all tact and/or delicacy out the window: “The flab that hangs over the top of low rider jeans on fat chicks.”

Urban Dictionary again (this one’s my favorite): “Thy butt hath overfloweth thine tiny pants.”

note: this picture is EVERYWHERE. I wonder if this girl is aware that her muffin top is a minor internet celebrity. if not, I would love to be the one to tell her.


while we're discussing muffiny things: personally, I covet a muffin-shaped cat more than you can possibly understand.

While researching the phenomenon that is the Muffin Top, I came across what just might be one of the best websites ever. Ever. It is called Muffin Huntin’ dot com, and is sole purpose is to mock those sporting a muffiny midsection. Mean? Absolutely. Rude? Unequivocally. 
Let’s go.

As we arrive at the home page, we are greeted with a fairly diplomatic definition of the term Muffin Top, a few pictures, and the following words of welcome: “Welcome to Muffin Huntin’ dot com. The world’s only museum dedicated to the Muffin Top and the never-ending Muffin Hunting season.”

 Next on the menu is the Muffin O’ the Month, in which one lucky lady is awarded the honor of being lauded as the owner of the best (or worst, depending on how you want to look at it) Muffin Top submitted that month. Unfortunately for the last winner, this section was last updated in May of 2008, thus rewarding her with an eternity of muffiny glory.

Following that success story, we arrive at the Dangers of Hunting. Aspiring Muffin Hunters are warned of the precautions necessary in this dangerous line of work: “While hunting the Muffins can be an adventure on its own, capturing this elusive creature on film in its natural habitat presents many dangers. Getting caught photographing the Muffin Top may result in physical harm or verbal abuse by the girl sporting the Muffin. We advise you to proceed with caution while trying to view or photograph the Muffin Tops.”

 The best part: the gallery, featuring the muffiniest of Muffin Tops and the meanest captions possible, therefore making it right up my alley. A few of my favorite captions:

“Sunscreen is good for Jabba the Hutt.”

“These two were looking for the Krispy Kreme burger.”

 “Is she smuggling a loaf of bread in there?”

“Anyone see the movie EARTHQUAKE?”

And now for the grand finale, the best possible way to TOP this all off (snicker chortle snort): the Muffin Top song. This is from the fifth episode of the first season of 30 Rock. For those who don’t know what 30 Rock is: you are a tiny pathetic person and I can’t be friends with you anymore. It’s not like it’s one of the most critically acclaimed television shows of the decade or anything, you uncultured quafboggle (new vocab- write it down). Anyhow, the story behind this song is that one of the characters, Jenna Maroney (Jane Krakowski) is a star on the television network the show is centered around. A few years prior to the episode, she dated a record producer and recorded a song called “Muffin Top.” This song became a chart-topping hit in Israel. There are no YouTube videos featuring the entire song, but here’s the best I could do. If you wish to hear the entire song (trust me- you do), I’m sure there’s a nice spot or it on your iPod. You’ve always needed that perfect song to round out your Workout Jamz playlist.

the actual (if a bit abbreviated) clip from the episode

  the full song (I'm sorry, I don't know why this refuses to stop being so awkwardly lopsided...)

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