They're Baaack...

Hey. Before we start, I just want to tell you something… give you a little heads-up. An old friend of the blog is returning today. Now, I don’t know if you remember this or not, but he just sort of wandered away a few months ago, and now he’s finally made it back to us safely. Okay, I just want to… look at me. Are you even listening? I just want to make sure you don’t make this awkward. Our old friend might feel a bit uncomfortable after being away for so long, but you need to remember that he’s the same person inside, okay? Nothing has changed, and we need to make sure it feels just like old times. Oh, Jesus, he’s coming. Be cool, be cool.

Welcome back. Stupid Holiday Posts.

And I see you brought a buddy. What up, July? Let’s tango.

July 1^st is Canada Day. I am not going to make fun of this holiday. Why? Because I sort of unconditionally, ferociously, and (admittedly) inexplicably love Canada. Those Canadians are just so adorable. Personally, I would love to have a tiny pocket-sized Canadian to carry around with me and say adorable stereotypically Canadian things like, “Soory aboot that, eh!”

and they ride horses backwards. BACKWARDS!

July 2^nd is World UFO Day. Also known as Attention All Raving Conspiracy Theorist Lunatics: It’s Time to Let Your Freak Flags Fly! Day.

July 3^rd is Disobedience Day. I only chose to look into this holiday in the hopes that it would twenty-four hours dedicated solely to raising utter hell and sticking it to the man. But then HolidayInsights, the mild-mannered mother of holiday websites, stepped in:

“We’re going to be up front and make it clear that we are neither encouraging nor endorsing disobedience. We also want to make it clear to our younger readers that disobeying parents, teacher, or other authorities is not a good thing……… period. We suggest you use this day to learn a little about civil disobedience, and why it is sometimes used.”

1) Six extra dots on the ellipses, really? Really?

2) Yeah, I hate fun, too. I’m sure learning about civil disobedience is just as fun as smashing a neighbor’s plastic Santa (SIR- IT’S FEBRUARY NOW) or outfitting a negligent dog owner’s pet with dreadlocks.

July 4^th is Sidewalk Egg Frying Day. Because it’s not like we have anything else to celebrate on the fourth of July...

July 6^th is National Fried Chicken Day. Just saying.

me partaking in the festivities (my favorite holiday!) in '09.

July 10^th is Teddy Bear Picnic Day. How adorable is that? However, those of you over the age of twenty-five get to celebrate Creepiest Occupant of a Public Park Day.

July 13^th is Embrace Your Geekness Day. HolidayInsights defines a geek as someone who is “highly intelligent (brainy) and technically oriented.”

First of all, thank you, HolidayInsights, for deconstructing the complicated phrase “highly intelligent” into “brainy” for us simpleton readers. Thank you.

Second of all, their main advice regarding how one should celebrate this holiday is “Spend plenty of time with your computer.” Implied meaning: spend plenty of time with the only friend who can’t avoid you.

let's celebrate... ladies?

July 20^th is Ugly Truck Day. Which, before you even get to the page, HolidayInsights warns is “a guy thing.” I took this to mean that dire consequences would be employed were I to so much as deign to preview the page, so in the interest of my own safety, we will learn no more about this holiday.

July 27^th is Take Your Pants for a Walk Day. Now, HolidayInsights describes this as a day to celebrate by simply heading out on a walk. And “unless you are wearing a dress or skirt, you probably are wearing pants. So, by definition, as you walk, they come along.” However, I think that’s fairly halfhearted. I plan on celebrating this holiday by attaching my pants to a leash and taking them for a nice brisk powerwalk around the block. Keepin’ it literal. For realz.