Sunday, January 23, 2011

In Other News...

The following are all actual newspaper headlines.

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, it May last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Deer Kill 17,000

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

5th-Graders Get to Grill Lions

Autos Killing 110 a Day; Let’s Resolve to Do Better

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn’t Seen in Years

Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday

Child’s Stool Great for Use in Garden

Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing

Grandmother of 8 Makes Hole in One

Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

Kicking Baby Considered to be Healthy

Robber Holds Up Albert’s Hosiery

Smokers are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Stiff Opposition Expected for Casketless Funeral Plan

William Kelly was Fed Secretary

Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder

Never Withhold Herpes from Loved One

NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach

Royals to Get a Taste of Angels’ Colon

Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons

Skywalkers in Korea Cross Han Solo

Man Executed After Long Speech

Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism
 (the woman they are referring to is councilwoman Laura Chick)

Threat Disrupts Plans to Meet About Threats

Alton Attorney Accidentally Sues Himself

County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds

Volunteers Search for Old Civil War Planes
 (Yeah, so… let me know how that goes, guys.)

Army Vehicle Disappears

An Australian Army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with 

Meeting on Open Meetings is Closed

DOE to do NEPA’s EIS on BNFL’s AMWTP at INEEL after SRA Protest

Waterford Boy, 8, Saves Sister’s Life
“I wouldn’t do it again. She’s been a pain this week.”

Utah Poison Control Center Reminds Everyone Not to Take Poison

Local Child Wins Gun From Fundraiser

House Passes Gas Tax On to Senate

Two Convicts Evade Noose; Jury Hung

Air Head Fired Steals Clocks, Faces Time

Psychics Predict World Didn’t End Yesterday

Sun or Rain Expected Today; Dark Tonight

Soap and Water Still Cleans Well

Statistics Show That Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25

Fisherman Arrested for Using Wife as Shark Bait

Specialist: Electric Chair Can Be “Extremely Painful”

Tips to Avoid Alligator Attacks

-Don’t swim in waters inhabited by large alligators.

Due to the lack of interest by friends and relatives, the birthday party for Becky Pritchard has 
been cancelled.

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Death Causes Loneliness, Feelings of Isolation

4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves

L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal by Landslide

Lack of Brains Hinders Research

Lawyer Says Client is not that Guilty

Old School Pillars are replaced by Alumni

Patient at Death’s Door, Doctors Pull Him Through

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Woman Improving After Fatal Crash

Workers Finish Boring Sewer Tunnel

No comments:

Post a Comment