Get Down With the Sickness (Idiocy is a Disease)

The following are all taken from actual medical patients’ records.

Because sadlariosity is a sickness.

“On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day, it disappeared.”

“The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.”

“The patient refused autopsy.”

“Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.”

“Patient is numb from her toes down.”

“She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.”

“Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.”                                                       

“Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.”

“Patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.”

“By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.”

“Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.”

“Discharge status: alive but without permission.”

“Patient expired on the floor uneventfully.”

“The patient was in his usual good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.”

“The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.”

“Patient is still under our car for physical therapy.”

“The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.”

“I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.” (…I truly do not understand what sort of medical issue could possibly lead to this advice being given)

“The bugs that grew out of her urine were cultures in Casualty and are not available. I WILL FIND THEM!”