Dear Abby

The following are actual letters sent to Dear Abby, a well-known advice column found in a majority of newspapers, whether it be local or national. Because idiots need help, too.

Dear Abby,

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

 Dear Abby,

I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who was been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

And now for a few short back-and-forths in order to showcase the wonderfully sassy Abigail Van Buren, the author of the column,

Dear Abby,

My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I’d like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he’d like?

Dear Carol,

Never mind what he’d like. Give him a tie.

Dear Abby,

Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?

Dear Wondering,

The baby was on time, the wedding was late.

Dear Abby,

I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?

Dear Sam in California,

Yes. Run for public office.

Dear Abby,

What inspires you most to write?

Dear Ted,

The Bureau of International Revenue.

Dear Abby,

What’s the difference between a wife and a mistress?

Dear Bess,

Night and day.

Dear Abby,

My husband hates to spend money! I cut my own hair and make my own clothes, and I have to account for every nickel I spend. Meanwhile he has a stock of savings bonds put away that would choke a cow. How do I get some money out of him before we are both called to our final judgment? He says he’s saving for a rainy day.

Dear Forty Years Hitched,

Tell him it’s raining.

Dear Abby,

I know boys will be boys, but my “boy” is seventy-three and he’s still chasing women. Any suggestions?

Dear Annie,

Don’t worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn’t know what to do with it.

Dear Abby,

I am a forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.

Dear Rose,

So would I.

And for the finale… This sparkler, which was dubbed as Letter of the Month by Abby herself.

Dear Abby,

I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs… Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive, although I can hear a car setting off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she comes home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the rocker boxes on my engine seem to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks, Jim