Sunday, January 16, 2011

Your iPhone Will Hate You

I am continuing to explore the plethora of currently available iPod/iPhone apps that make me feel particularly judgmental of the human race. Join me, won’t you?

1. Rate a Fart 2.0: also known as I Don’t Understand Why I Don’t Have a Girlfriend 2.0. This app comes with a library of over seven hundred farts for immature man-children to listen to (again, I’m assuming this app is largely popular with the male gender). Users are also gifted with the long-awaited opportunity to record some or your more, ah, musical moments and send them to friends- the few you still have after purchasing this app, anyway.

2. UK Payphone: this supremely helpful app asks you for some basic information (phone number, location, etc.) so it can direct you to a public pay phone. I think phrases it best: “Now if only I could find a GPS system that would direct me to the nearest cartographer, I’d be set.” Well played, Well played.

3. SimStapler: this is a game. In which there’s a stapler depicted on the screen. Your objective is to press the stapler and pretend you’re stapling things. Points are awarded. Your friends hate you.

4. Hold On: Another game (note: I am using the word “game” very, very loosely) in which you test your endurance skills by holding down a button (on your flat iPod/iPhone screen, which means you don’t even have to muster up the strength to push down a real button. Just saying). “A grueling challenge made for the same type of people who’d use FatBurner2k.” Oh, SNAP! Burn supplied by Wow. That one was a roaster.

5. eShaver: this fills your screen with an [admittedly] realistic image of an electric shaver, which you use to be a hilarious and charming life-of-the-party jokester and pretend to shave your face. 

6. Proposal (Will You Marry Me?): I’m too busy trying to nurture my own crushed soul as a result of seeing what’s become of the tradition of marriage proposals, so I’ll let the makers of this app take over, explanation-wise: 

"Chances are she’ll say yes if you decide to use our Will You Marry Me? Application.
All that is left for you to do now is download the application and wait for her to say “yes”.
How does it work? All you have to do is enter your lady’s name (or that of the woman you’re practicing with… or your potential pick-up.”

I’m sorry, can I just chime in for a sec here? I have several problems with the above statement.
A) I know this is entirely dependent on the potential proposal-ee or the nature of the relationship between the couple, but I am having quite a bit of trouble believing that a woman would be touched by a man’s inability to propose on his own, without the aid of an iPhone app. Now, maybe if both members of the couple are huge Apple fanatics, or if there’s some sort of inside joke or sentimental attachment related to iPhones elemental in the couple’s story. Then it would be cute. But, otherwise… I’m just not seeing how this is a guaranteed winner in the process of asking the most important question of your life.
B) Who practices proposing with another woman?
C) I guarantee you that nine out of ten girls in any given environment will not be impressed by the implementation of this as a pickup tool. Sorry, bro.

Anyway, sorry for the interruption. Carry on.

"Text: You can enter any text you’d like, or have the option of using the default text, “Will you marry me?”
Picture: When the Big Moment arrives, her picture will appear with the text. So, beforehand, casually snap a photo of her, or ask her to pose. Press the “Propose to Her” button, and ask her to press her fingerprint to the screen. Now, just pray that she’ll say yes.”

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