Monday, January 10, 2011

"The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium"

More from Texts From Last

“I just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossing guard’s vest and boxers. When I asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt.”

Person A: “Why did your cousin post ‘out tonight’ on facebook? Doesn’t he know it’s only 1 in the afternoon?”
Person B: “Shhh don’t tell him. It’s cloudy out and none of his clocks work.”

“I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?”

“I’m in a bar and I just invented a Scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It’s like the universe has aligned itself.”

“We’re on our way back. She tried to pants the waiter again.”

“My mother just offered to pay for my fake ID.”

“I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.”

“Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am”

“You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water, and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water…”

“You called information & said ‘connect me to Johnny Depp’ when they told u it wasn’t listed u said ‘try Depp comma Johnny he’s expecting my call!’”

Person A: “Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop”
Person B: “I really wish I could say this is a new low for you”

“This isn’t the person you just texted but I have her phone. She disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn’t returned since.”

“Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it’s also full of skittles.”

“She kept saying ‘I love you’ but I couldn’t tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.”

Person A: “Why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?”
Person B: “You decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.”

Person A: “Why did I cab home last night?”
Person B: “Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.”

“You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I’m the guy who poops before you go in, because I’m in a relationship and I hate you.”

“I couldn’t bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma”

“Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.”

Person A: “Did you put 9 lbs of birdseed all over my car?”
Person B: “You weighed it?”

“I just saw some girl with the license plate “OBVIII”…  I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.”

“What’s the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my grandma’s eulogy?”

“You try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving”

“I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until I threw up and blamed it on him”

‘Baffled as to how I’m gonna get 150 lbs of sand out of my basement.”

“Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.”

“Just went to get groceries. A cashier said she saw me last night. I guess I carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back… and I claimed to be in the cast of Wicked.”

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