The following are excerpts from Charles M. Sevilla’s Disorder in the American Courts, a collection of verbatim quotes published by court reporters. Enjoy, but do not recreate.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: ALL your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?
A: No. He was wearing a mask.
Q: What was he wearing under the mask?
A: His face.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: “What disco am I at?”
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?
A: My ex-widow.
Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn’t offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture.
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it? You too were shot in the fracas.
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.