Why I'll Never Be a 911 Dispatcher. Ever.

Continuing our exploration of the connection between stupidity/sadlariosity: the following are transcripts of conversations between dispatchers and panicked civilians from actual 911 calls.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1, what is your emergency?

Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.

Dispatcher: Excuse me?

Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table, and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.

Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?

Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!

D: 9-1-1, what is the nature of your emergency?

C: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.

D: This is nine eleven.

C: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.

D: Yes, ma’am, nine-one-one and nine eleven are the same thing.

C: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

D: 9-1-1, what is your emergency?

C: Hi, is this the police?

D: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?

C: Well, I don’t know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I’ve never cooked one before.

D: 9-1-1. What is the nature of your emergency?

C: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.

D: Is this her first child?

C: No, this is her husband.

D: 9-1-1.

C: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. I think I’m going to pass out.

D: Sir, where are you calling from?

C: I’m at a pay phone. North and foster.

D; Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

C; No.

D: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

C: Running from the police.

C: I’d like to make a unanimous complaint, so don’t use my name.

C: Could you send the police to my house?

D: What’s wrong there?

C: I called and someone answered the phone, but I’m not there.

C: Is it okay for a civilian to take a person to the hospital, or does the ambulance have to do it?

C (upon realizing the police were on their way): Get the keg outta here, dude!

C: He’s not breathing!

D: Can you get the phone close to him?

C: Why? You want to hear he’s not breathing, too?

Complaint about a stolen mailbox:

D: What is your address?

C: It’s gone.

D: 9-1-1, what is your emergency?

C: Yes, we just got to our hotel room and there are four of us here, but we only have enough towels for two.

D: This is 9-1-1, ma’am.

C: Yes, well, what am I supposed to do?

D: Have you tried the hotel operator?

D: 9-1-1, fire or emergency?

C: Oh, I would have to say emergency.

D: What’s the problem, ma’am?

C: There’s a fight going on. It’s… down there… I can see them through my window. They’re in the parking lot. Oh, there’s lots of yelling. They’re cursing, too.

D: Can you describe who’s fighting, please?

C: I’ll try. There’s one man, and he’s dressed like Elvis Presley. He’s kicking another man who’s laying on the ground and screaming, “You ain’t nothing but a hound dog.”

C (regarding his wife): I’ve tried to strangle her about four different ways. She won’t die.

D: Why are you trying to kill her?

C: Because I don’t like her.

D: Why not just divorce her?

C: Isn’t it a lot easier just to kill her? But she won’t die. God, she keeps breathing.