Sunday, January 16, 2011

There's an App for That. Unfortunately.

Anyone who has been in my presence lately is well aware of A) the fact that they are very lucky to be such close proximity to such a talented human being, and B) I am saving up for a new iPod touch. The former should be fairly obvious to them, but most people only know about the latter because I talk about this soon-to-be-mine iPod incessantly. To mount the excitement even further, this iPod will have triple the memory space of my current iPod, which basically means I can put anything I want on it, particularly apps, no matter how useless, irrelevant or childish they may be. In preparation for this momentous purchase, I decided to look into what will be offered to me, app-wise. And so, in addition to making a mental outline of what I plan to put on the new iPod, I have also made a mental outline of what will not be taken for a ride on this device. The losers are as follows:

1. FatBurner2k: this miraculous app promises to “turn your iPhone into the gym that works on your terms.” Upon initializing the app, you will be instructed to place your iPod/iPhone six inches above your belly button and brace yourself for some magic.
…your iPhone will vibrate. This is the illusive secret to fast, painless weight loss, the solution we’ve been searching for far and wide for centuries. It’s here, guys. They found it. After a solid hour of being lightly jiggled around by your iPhone, you can finally soak up some rays at the beach without the nagging fear that you will be mistaken for a beached whale. So go out, go celebrate. This is the day we’ve all been waiting for.

Oh, and before you go… your toe is unzipped, you gullible lardball.

2. Hair Clinic for Man and Woman: first of all, I’m not completely positive I should even be telling all of you about this. It might just be a waste of your time, because, according to the title, this app is available to only one representative from each gender in the whole world. I don’t know if they’ve chosen these lucky recipients yet, there’s still a chance some (two, to be exact) of you can work this in your favor. Hair Clinic for Man and Woman is “the world’s first mobile hair clinic system.” By emitting [conveniently] inaudible/indiscernible  frequencies that allegedly encourage blood circulation around hair follicles, this app will help you grow your hair as you stand in the corner of the room rubbing your iPod all over your head. So, in summary… Upside: you’re adorable for thinking this will actually benefit you in any way. Downside: you will be That Person.

3. Kiss Me: have you ever wondered if your kissing skills are up to par? If you make the experience feel less like The Notebook and more like a trip to Sea World? If so, get psyched: Kiss Me will give you a fair, unbiased rating of your mackin’ mojo. All you have to do is play a l’il round of tonsil hockey with the pair of lips shown on your iPod screen. But please note that the use of tongue is “not recommended.”
P.S. I can’t imagine why anyone who feels compelled to purchase an iPod app requiring them to kiss their personal music player would have any trouble in the Romantic Encounters department.

4. HangTime: not that I’m an advocate of gender stereotypes and generalizations, but I’m thinkin’ this next one harbors a little bit more appeal for those of us that don’t [typically. hopefully] don dresses. I’m sure we’ve all noticed that members of the male gender like participating in activities in which there’s a strong possibility of something (preferably something very expensive, rare, valuable (emotionally or monetarily), or a combination of the three) exploding, shattering, smashing, what have you. HangTime is an app that measures exactly how high you can toss your sophisticated, expensive iPod/iPhone. A breakdown of the procedure:

Step 1: pick up your device
Step 2: hurl it into the air; fist pumping optional
Step 3: pull your head out of your posterior in time to catch the most valuable portable device you own
Step 4: be judged harshly (but fairly) by everyone around you, except for your “bros”.

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