Thursday, September 23, 2010

Five Ways to Make Everyone in the Vicinity Lose Respect for You

I'm hoping that you've at least somewhat grasped the point of this blog by now. If you haven't, I think you're kind of unintelligent and I want you to stop reading my blog. Now.
Instead of covering just one stupid product this time, I'm giving you a list of five. Big upgrade, I know. You're welcome. Now, dear readers, all I want you to do is sit back and relax. And like me.
Here we go:
#1: Jerome Russell's Spray On Hair Color Thickener. Before I investigated, I was under the impression that this product was something balding men sprayed on their hair and the product somehow whipped their hair follicles into shape. I was wrong. This product is a colored spray, much like spray paint, that the aforementioned balding men spray on their heads to make it look like they have thick, luscious hair. In reality, it just looks a very sad (sadlarious, even) attempt to fool the general public. A failed attempt, at that. See below:
I repeat: fail.

#2 just may be one of the best things I've ever seen. It's the Privacy Scarf. It's designed for people who like to think they're making themselves inconspicuous when, in fact, everyone around them is laughing and pointing. Good thing the Privacy Scarf-wearers are completely unaware of their surroundings. Otherwise they might feel like people are judging them.


On to #3, then: the Solafeet Foot Tanner. Yeah, you heard me (well, I guess you... read... me?). It's a tanner for your tootsies. Believe me, this is necessary. That overly-enthusiastic foot fetishist next door will lose interest if you're sporting pasty pies (that's PEE-ase, b.t.w. The Spanish word for feet? Not pies. Not desserts. Feet.).
feet = toned, tanned, fit and ready. ohhh yess. 

#4: Bed Books. You know how annoying it is when you're trying to read lying down, and you have to *annoyed huff* actually turn your head sideways in order to read? Yeah, me too. Hate it, bro. Hate it. Well, get ready to get relief, because the folks over at Bed Books have provided us with a long-awaited solution. They make books with the text printed sideways! No more turning your head to read; consider yourself woe-free. Thanks, Bed Books!

or you could just suck it up and sit upright to read. lazy freaks.   

#5: I know I already told y'all that the Privacy Scarf was my favorite thing on this list. Well, numero cinco is offering some pretty stiff competition. Introducing... the Boyfriend Pillow.
This is exactly as sadlarious as it sounds. The Boyfriend Pillow is a pillow with an arm on it, designed to imitate the feeling of having a man's arm around you. A direct quote from the website: "The Boyfriend Pillow is a uniquely designed memory foam arm pillow that gives females the feeling of being embraced by by a real man without the snoring, tossing or turning." I think this might be one of the saddest things I've ever seen. I don't know if there's a better way to advertise your own desperation and crushing loneliness. And I'm not going to lie to you, the pillow itself is quite creepy. It looks like half of a man's torso has been severed and given to sad single ladies to snuggle with.

creepy AND sad.

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