Sunday, September 19, 2010

People Will Laugh at You

"Take the work out of your workout... the Hawaii Chair!"

I, like most of you, was under the impression that weight-loss methods in this country couldn't get any more idiotic. From the Beyonce-inspired water-and-cayenne-peppers diet to the countless number of pills, programs, and potions, I continue to be amazed that we can still produce ideas more ridiculous than their predecessors. So, without further ado, I (somewhat sheepishly) introduce to you... the Hawaii Chair!

The Hawaii Chair is basically just your average computer chair, but with the added bonus of a seat equipped with the innovative "2800 RPM Hula Motor" that swivels (not rotates) around in a circle while you sit in it. This is intended to imitate the hip and waist movements one makes whilst hula dancing (since, apparently, hula dancing is the most effective- as well as the most ridiculous-looking if done poorly- workout there is). And, yes, this looks just as asinine as it sounds (if not more).

The creepy man in the informercial explains to us that, over the course of one workweek, a person can spend up to 40 hours sitting behind a desk, and THAT'S what makes you fat. However, if your hips are gyrating wildly while you sit at your desk for 40 hours a week, you will lose weight and be a skinny little minnie.

And if you'd like to humiliate yourself in front of as many people as you possibly can, another selling point of the Hawaii Chair is that you can "use it anywhere!". As in, they expect you to bring it to work. And use it. In public. Where people can see you.

I think I can safely say the most amusing result of this product is the infomercial. We are shown several shots of people doing everyday work activities, like answering the phone and using the computer. These examples are intended to demonstrate that you can carry on as you would normally while your lower half is moving in violent circles. The result of this is that the actors in the commercial are indeed able to accomplish these tasks, but with obvious superhuman effort. Sadlarious.

"If you can sit, then you can get fit!" in exchange for your dignity and some spare change. Lazy lardballs rejoice.

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