I’m feeling a little dead inside as I prepare to write these words. In saying this, I am betraying and recently acquired and dearly beloved friend. Though it pains me greatly to say it, the Snuggie is a really, really, really stupid idea.
Now, don’t tell me you haven’t heard of the Snuggie, the now-infamous blanket with sleeves. If you, by chance, haven’t had the pleasure of seeing a Snuggie commercial (my personal favorite is the one in which the family of four is standing around a campfire in their Snuggies and raising the roof- for those of you who don’t know what raising the roof is, shame on you, it’s that dance in which you bend your arms at the elbow, palms facing skyward, and pump your palms up and down a few times, as if you are literally lifting a roof off a building- (see here: Raising the Roof)). Also, if you didn’t already know what raising the roof is, I am fully obligated to judge you.
The Snuggie was created as a solution to the worldwide epidemic of people burdened by having to A) hold their blankets up to their necks in order to keep warm, or B) let the blanket sit in their lap and warm only the lower half of their bodies. Don’t tell me we don’t face hardships in this country. But thanks to the Snuggie, we no longer have to endure this. We are eschewing the annoyances that accompany blanket use and are embracing sleeved blankets with open arms (Get it? Because of the sleeves? Ha ha!) . The Snuggie is basically just a backwards robe. You hold it up in front of you, spend ten minutes looking for the stupid arm holes, then slide your arms in and spend the rest of your time wearing it trying to keep it on your person. What they fail to show you in the commercial is that the Snuggie has no fastening mechanism or anything on the back. It just hangs there, gaping open. The view from behind is somewhat reminiscent of an old man at the hospital who forgets to tie his dressing gown in the back, and exposes his underwear-clad or (God forbid) bare buttocks to everyone in the vicinity until a sympathetic nurse pulls him aside and quietly makes him aware of the situation.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am absolutely NOT hating on the Snuggie. I am proud to admit that I own two myself. And I luuuuuuuuuuuuurve them. Since I know you’re wondering, I have the Blue Tie-Dye and Cotton Candy Pink Snuggies, and I plan on purchasing more in the future. Before you point the finger of rage at me and accuse me of hyposcrisy, I think I should point out that I am not a deluded American consumer. I KNOW how stupid Snuggies are. I KNOW how ridiculous I look when sporting one. I’d like to say I only bought one to be funny and cynical and ironic, which is true, but I also truly love the Snuggie. Big fan, big fan. Ever since I saw a Snuggie commercial for the first time and almost wet myself laughing, I’ve been fanatical about the sleeved blankets. And before I forget, I think I should point out that my devotion is only reserved for brand-name Snuggies. No generic sleeved blankets, no knock-offs, such as the Slanket. That’s gross. You have to go with the original.
In the commercial, you may have noticed some brave souls daring to wear their Snuggies in public. I would advise against doing this, unless you enjoy being mercilessly made fun of by your peers. A good defense mechanism to ward off mockery is to deliver a forceful slap to the face, stand over your victim as they cry on the ground, and point out the fact that you would not be able to slap someone in the face while wearing a sleeveless blanket. So there.
I hope I haven’t damaged my credibility by admitting to owning one of the stupid things I typically express disgust for in these posts. I’d like to point out, again, that I DO NOT actually think this product was a fantastic idea and that I look really cool and attractive when I wear it(quite the opposite, in fact; when wearing a Snuggie, one tends to look like a brightly-colored, fleecy human tent). I’m sure my next post will contain more proper amounts of cynicism and disdain for what the American consumer will purchase. As a parting gift to you, I’ve included two more commercials. Watch them and laugh.