Why Pets Bite People

It's no secret that we all love our pets. Whether you have a fish, cat, dog, turtle, or miniature llama (this is completely plausible, I knew a girl in fifth grade who had a miniature llama as a pet. I was ridiculously jealous), your pet deserves all the love and warmth and pampering you can give it. And how, you ask, should we go about pampering our furry, scaly, feathery friends? It's easy: just buy them spectacularly lame presents. If none of the following are perfect enough for your precious pal, then you need to lower your standards.

#1: Bowser Beer for dogs. This beverage contains glucosamine, B-vitamins, and malt barley (just like real brewskies!). To Man's Best Friend: Get ready to get crunk. 

#2: Rear Gear Butt Covers for cats and dogs: this is best summarized by a direct quote from the product website: "Is your pet feeling left in the dirt because of his/her unsightly rear? I've got them covered..." Because it's a lot less disturbing to be looking at a picture of a biohazard symbol, cupcake or sherriff's badge in the place where an animal's bum-oley should be.

#3: the Purr Detector. This is a collar that lights up when your cat is purring. Quite frankly, if you can't tell when your cat is purring, you are probably too unobservant and negligent to be a cat owner. Or your cat is too unhappy to be purring. But hey, I'd be unhappy, too, if my owner actually spent money on things like Purr Detectors.

#4: Pet Stroller. Enough has been said.
 

this makes me sad.

#5: Croc Cat Bed. This is a cat bed that is designed to look like a giant Croc. I'm just gonna say it: I haaaate Crocs. Just... gross. No. But I have to admit that this bed is pretty hilarious, and I might buy one just to be ironic and cool and funny.

plotting owner's upcoming demise. it will be slow and it will be painful.