Sunday, October 17, 2010

Don't Say They Didn't Warn You

While I appreciate the fact that manufacturers try to keep us, the consumers, safe (or perhaps this is just an attempt to avoid lawsuits; this varies depending on your classification: optimist or pessimist?) while using their products by posting warnings on them. Oftentimes, these warnings are actually helpful and may save quite a few people from injury or illness. However, these warnings are occasionally completely unnecessary. We are often warned from doing spectacularly idiotic things with these products, as if it’s a legitimate concern that someone just might try to eat that plastic doughnut. This indicates that A) there have actually been issues with masters of idiocy implementing said idiocy via the incorrect use of household products, or B) these companies think the American public is just that stupid. Please, God, let it be the latter…

“Remove the plastic wrapper.”  (the first instruction on a bag of microwave popcorn; to see these instructions, one first has to remove the plastic wrapper and unfold the bag…)

“In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors.” (seen in a car manual)

“Serving suggestion: defrost.” (seen on a frozen dinner)

“Some materials may irritate sensitive skin. Please look at the materials if you believe this may be the case.
Covering: 100% unknown
Stuffing: 100% unknown
(seen on a pillow)

 “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.” (seen on a bag of Fritos)

“Do not drive cars in ocean.” (seen in a car commercial that shows a car in the ocean)

“Always drive on roads. Not on people.” (seen in a car commercial that depicts a vehicle body-surfing at a concert)

“Machine wash gentle cold
Use gentle detergent
No bleach
Line dry
No iron
Do not dry clean
Do not wear for sumo wrestling”
(seen on a shirt’s washing instructions tag)

“Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants.” (seen on the packaging for… A WRISTWATCH)

“Do not use orally after using rectally” (seen on the instructions for an electric thermometer)

“Warning: may cause drowsiness.” (seen on a bottle of sleeping pills)

“Remove occupants before folding stroller.” (seen on a stroller)

“Do not eat if seal is missing.” (seen on the aforementioned seal; I will concede that, in cases like this, the weight of the idiocy lands squarely on the manufacturer's shoulders)

“Product will be hot after heating.” (seen on a supermarket dessert box)

 “Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems.” (seen on a bottle of Midol PMS relief pills)

“This door is alarmed from 7:00 P.M. to 7:00 A.M.” (seen on a hospital’s outside access door)

“Wearing this garment does not enable you to fly.” (seen on a child’s Superman costume)

“For indoor or outdoor use only.” (seen on a string of Christmas lights)

“Cannot be made non-poisonous.” (seen on a can of de-icing windshield fluid)

“Do not use intimately.” (seen on a tube of deodorant)

“For use by trained personnel only.” (seen on a can of air freshener)

“Do not use for drying pets.” (seen in the instruction manual for a microwave)

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