Sunday, October 17, 2010

Proof You CAN Embarrass Your Pets

In response to a positive reaction regarding the three pictures of painted poodles I included in my blog post last week (by “positive reaction”, I mean three or four people in my AP Lang. class found them amusing), I’m going to do an entire post focused on the incredibly bizarre trends of the pet-grooming world. I’m feeling a little conflicted about this… as much as it pains me to see some poor puppy styled to look like Ozzy Osbourne, I also can’t deny that I would love nothing more than make my pets look this amusing.

Hey, remember when I did that post about stupid hairstyles, and how the Mohawk was a fully deserving member of that classification? IT DOESN'T LOOK ANY LESS STUPID WHEN YOUR PETS WEAR IT.

Despite the fact that your pets probably really, really enjoy it when you pull and twist their fur, giving them braids probably isn't the best decision. All of their little pet friends who actually have normal owners, and, therefore, normal "hairstyles" will make fun of them. Double stupidity points will be awarded if you give your pet CORNROWS.

For some reason, a lot of people think it's fun to paint their pets with bright colors, so that they look totally unlike any of their friends' pets (a polite way of saying that they look like genetically mutated freaks who escaped from the lab). How "wacky" and "zany" and "neato"!

the cat knows it's being judged by the pumpkin.

no comment.

too embarrassed to look at the camera.

significantly more unhappy than face paint would lead you to believe. see those eyes? that's a cry for help.


okay, that's kinda cute. but only a little bit.

If your pets don't already loathe you enough after you've shaved, painted, and braided them, perhaps you can finally push them over edge by plopping a ridiculous wig on their heads.

desperately seeking good Samaritan who will remove all wigs from owner's possession and burn them.

gazing out window in search of less enthusiastically freakish  owner.

carefully choreographing owner's upcoming unfortunate tumble down the stairs.

clearly unaware of abuse being inflicted on self.
Extreme Poodle Grooming:
This is exactly what it sounds like, and I'm sad to say that this is its official name. People actually groom their poodles (I'm not quote sure why poodles are the breed of choice for this activity) in an extreme manner, don costumes that fit in with the theme they selected for their poodle, and travel to Extreme Poodle Grooming competitions. A poodle is a poodle, so let's keep it that way.

poodle = camel? no.

poodle = freakish (albeit impressive) representation of cubism? no.

poodle = Budweiser Clydesdale? no.

poodle = bison? no.

poodle = cutesy snail in a garden? no.

poodle = pony? no.

poodle = poodle. so stop that funny business right now.

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