Get Me A Band-Aid; I've Been Cut By Your Razor-Sharp Wit

The title you see above is not sarcasm. This is some seriously clever stuff. Appreciate it. Now. 

These are all quotes from real signs in businesses throughout the country:

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In George’s Service Station, Glen Ellen, California: 
"If your car sounds like:

“ping-click-ping”- $10.00

“click-whine-click”- $25.00

“clunk-whine-clunk”- $50.00

“thud-clunk-thud”- $100.00

“clang-thud-clang”- $300.00

“Can’t describe it!”- $500.00"

At an auto body shop: "May we have the next dents?"

A classified ad in the newspaper: "Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog"

Another classified ad: "cows, calves- never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale"

At a gynecologist’s office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At an optometrist’s office: "If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place."

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: "Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At a podiatrist’s office: "Time wounds all heels."

At a Laundromat, on an automatic washing machine: "Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out."

At a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

At a farmer’s field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."

On a residential fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."