Your Hair Will Hate You

As you have undoubtedly noticed, we Americans seem to have a superb knack for making ourselves look like idiots. We accomplish this goal using a plethora of mediums, such as the invention of stupid products, the fattification of our citizens, and, most effectively, our appearances. Today we’ll be focusing on a very specific aspect of the third aforementioned medium: the hairstyle. I find myself routinely appalled by what people deem acceptable to do to their hair, both back in the day and in modern times. The following doubles as a guide to the evolution of the ridiculous hairstyle AND a list of things to never, ever, ever do to yourself:

1. the ducktail: popular in the 1950s, this style was achieved by, firstly, combing the sides of the hair back very tightly, then arranging all of the hair on the top of the head in to a casually disordered pile  (side note: John Travolta’s sideburn and the hair connecting it is shaped like a tree. Just look at it!).

2. the beehive: surely you’ve seen this style before, as I have to admit it’s making a bit of a comeback (in the less severe form of Bumpits and “poofs”). But in the 50s and 60s, the full-on beehive reigned supreme, in all its voluminous glory. To create a beehive, one must A) tease her hair to towering heights, then B) coat it with hairspray until its texture resembles that of a large piece of rock. 

this has evolved...

into this.

3. the Mohawk: the definitive hairstyle of hooligan culture. The crazed Mohawk coveter shaves their head clean, save for a single strip in the middle. This strip is grown long, then teased straight up in the air and solidified using any and all household liquids the wearer can find (eggs, glue, hairspray, etc.).

reverse mohawk? brilliant!

 

4. the afro: this style can only be sported by those with very curly hair. The afro-ee must grow their curly hair out and brush it, transforming their locks into a very large, very fluffy halo surrounding their head. My big brother used to have a pseudo-fro. I’m very proud of this fact.

why?

5. cornrows: the wearer simply has their stylist plait their hair very tightly into tiny braids running in vertical lines across the scalp, creating an appearance similar to rows of corn. Hence the name “corn rows”. I used to have corn rows when I was in elementary school. I was somehow led to believe that it would be a better alternative to headbands and bobby pins when growing out my bangs. I was also led to believe that this aesthetic decision would be socially acceptable.  You can’t possibly fathom how much this embarrasses me now.

that's right. hide your face in shame.

fifty points for the mohawk/cornrow combo. it's a twofer!

6. dreadlocks: I suggest this style for those of you who would like to have hair that never looks clean. The dreads are created by teasing the hair in small sections, securing with a rubber band, then smothering the hair with some kind of oil or wax and “palm-rolling” it. Personally, I find dreadlocks to be terrifying and I would be very uncomfortable if somebody’s dreadlock happened to touch me. I imagine it would feel very much like a monster’s moustache. 

terrifying.

ew, gag me with a spoon.

7. the jheri curl: this style was very popular among African-American men in the 70s. This style involved growing out one’s hair, relaxing it, then finishing with a perm. I recommend this style if all you’ve ever wanted is to impersonate a poodle.

I realize this is completely unrelated, but look at all the horrible things people do to their poodles. Sadistic.

but this one is kind of super mega awesome times the square root of wow. just a little bit, though.

8. the devilock: popularized by the punk band the Misfits, this style consists of dark hair (preferably as oily and dirty-looking as you can possibly manage, please) being teased forward into a point on the wearer’s forehead. This one scares me, too. I desperately fear being attacked from both sides by a dreadlock and a devilock.

9. the shining star of the world of sadlarious hairstyles… the mullet! This was made famous by Billy Ray Cyrus and even came with its own catchphrase (“Business in the front, a party in the back!”). My own twin brother, desperately in need of a haircut, is beginning to grow his own mini-mullet. This fact genuinely upsets him.

10. liberty spikes: this may be the first legitimately dangerous hairstyle I’ve seen. You could poke an eye out with those!