Sunday, October 3, 2010

Macho, Macho Men Buy Stupid, Stupid Stuff

Let's be frank (if that doesn't work for you, I suppose we could be steve): the ladies aren't the only ones who are being bombarded with ridiculous products left and right. Men are impressionable, eagerly gullible consumers, too. They'll buy anything if it smells, looks, or tastes like bacon- it's that easy. Below is a tribute (although "tribute" admittedly seems like too respectful of a word for this) to the marketing pros who reel in the easiest prey possible: the American Male Consumer.

#1: the FlairHair Visor. This product would be just like any other ordinary visor, except for the fact that it has a nice, plush carpet of ridiculous-looking hair spilling out of the top. This product is intended for balding men or people with full heads of hair who just want to “enhance their image”.

your image? consider it enhanced, bro.
 For some reason, this product appears to be particularly popular with golfers. Maybe Tiger wouldn’t have had so much trouble with infidelity had he been sporting one of these. Good luck reelin’ em in with this on your head, fellas.

#2: the Potty Putter Toilet Green: for those of you who find books to be insufficient when it comes to toilet-seat entertainment. This is a tiny putting green that you position on the floor near your toilet. Because there is no better time for perfecting that hole-in-one than when you are workin’ on your own number two.

because accidentally walking in on someone wasn't already awkward enough.

#3: the UroClub Golf Urination Device. This is a perfect example of the male gender’s tiny capacity for shame. The UruClub is designed to look like a golf club, but it has a secret: a tiny “reservoir” hidden Inside the club grip where you can piddle. It comes with a “privacy towel” that the user clips to his waistband in order to maintain secrecy.

completely inconspicuous.
#4: Mantyhose. You guessed it- these are pantyhose for men. My favorite description of these is from the Emilio Cavallini website: “Military Green Mantyhose: Fashionable mantyhose for the tough guys who want to look fine.” (For clarification purposes, I feel I should point out that, in this context, “fine” is being pronounced “fiiiiiiiiiiiine”, as opposed to “fine”. Example: “How was school today?” “Fine.” vs. “How do I look?” “You look fiiiiiiine!” Just so we’re clear here). As ridiculous as this product is, I'm at least thankful that I have to look no further for my brother’s Christmas present. Thanks, mantyhose!

because nothing is more appealing than hearing your boyfriend say, "oh, shoot, there's a run in my pantyhose!"

#5: Chest Hair Toupee: for those guys who seethe with envy at the sight of the lucky men who have to buy shirts two sizes larger than they need in order to accommodate their bushy chest hair. Riddle me this: are people more inclined to judge you and feel pity for you if they see you have no chest hair at all, or if they see you carefully removing your CHEST HAIR TOUPEE? Take note of this shining example of the fragility of the male ego. Be careful, they’re made of porcelain.

violently gagging as i post this.

i realize this has nothing to do with the subject, but... hahahahahahahahahahaha!

#6: makeup for men. I hope you are all as appalled as I am. Now, we’ve all become accustomed to seeing a little guyliner here and there (or in Adam Lambert’s case, quite a lot); it’s hardly even worth mentioning anymore. But manufacturers are now starting to make entire lines of makeup for men. Despite attempts to toughen the products up a bit by giving them names like “Battlescars Cure” lotion and “Manscara”, you cannot hide the fact that this is makeup. While I can’t see any man leaving his buddies at the bar for a quick touch-up in the bathroom (certainly this is not something any man would publicize to his macho buddies), I’m visualizing scores of insecure men furtively checking around the corner before they slip into the bathroom to “put their face on”.


#7: the KFC Double Down. This is a “sandwich” brought to us by the founding fathers of American Fattydom, KFC. It contains two slices of monterey jack cheese, two slices of pepper jack cheese, two slices of bacon, and a special sauce. What’s the problem with this, you ask? In lieu of a bun, this sandwich in encased in two fried chicken fillets. This sandwich flawlessly encompasses the spirit of manhood; I literally cannot picture anyone of the female gender consuming this. And now for some stats:
-540 calories
-32 grams of fat
-1380 grams of sodium

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