tWITter

When discussing Twitter, most people describe it as a means of sharing unimportant, boring, and irrelevant details ABOUT ONE’S LIFE. It is disregarded as useless and stupid, catering only to those who have nothing better to do than read the minute details of the lives of their favorite celebrities and/or peers who feel their lives are important enough to share with the entire internet. What these people are forgetting is that Twitter has placed no ban on tweeting things of some intellectual value.  The public nature of Twitter allows users to share the wittiest, sharpest things they can pack into 140 characters instantaneously. This accessibility to that wide variety and high quality of finely honed humor has created a new breed of humor altogether. The following tweets are from a book I just finished reading called Twitter Wit. It is a compilation of “the most memorable and hilarious tweets to date” and it makes me wish I could be half as funny as these people.

London City airport. Where form meets function. AND THEY HAVE A FIGHT.

@stephenfry

I get the impression that the Fat Acceptance movement is more about acceptance than it is movement.

@strutting

I fell victim to a Fonzie scheme. My financial advisor kept flashing me the thumbs-up and saying “Aaaaay!” And calling me Richie.

@rsmallbone

“Did you just fart?” “Well, I didn’t *just* fart; there was pageantry and tradition.”

@Notactuallyme

Dear McDonald’s: I don’t care *who* sings it, there is no such thing as “that McNuggets lovin’.” Ew ew ew ew ew.

@dbecher

The face-painting at the birthday party this morning was subpar. One girl asked for Tiger and got Surprised Basketball instead.

@bcompton

Uggs: the onomatopoeia of footwear.

@poeks

Apparently “You don’t have an interview somewhere else, do you?” is the new “You look nice today.”

@EntropyAS

PERSONAL FAVORITE:

The three worst mistakes you can make are overpromising and underdelivering.

@dwineman

What’s the difference between Gary Busey and fruitcake? Fruitcake doesn’t always have rum in it.

@thedayhascome

Heading on Amtrak from Seattle to Portland. I’m looking forward to revealing to everyone soon that they are on a sing-along train.

@EugeneMirman

Why aren’t martini glasses shaped so that they don’t spill so easily on the bus?

@pagecrusher

Worst-case scenario, Roomba edition: dog poo on the floor. ‘Nuf said. :-(

@motomike

Swallowed a fly earlier. I know I can get it out. If only I could remember what comes after goat.

@eyeteegee

Having a tribal tattoo is like having a wallet chain that you are never, ever allowed to take off.

@bluelanugo

Family will be here in two hours. There are not nearly enough spaces to hide things in this apartment. It’s like I’m playing Shame Tetris.

 @zolora

Fact: every time Barbara Walters makes someone cry with her first question, she gets an extra life.

@gordonshumway

I keep a record of EVERYTHING  coworkers tell me. If I had a nickel for every time they told me to stop doing thing, I’d have exactly $12.45.

@rafitorres

This week is so slow whoever plays it in a movie will win an Oscar.

@badbanana

I really wish customs agents would stop trying to punk me.

@aplusk (Ashton Kutcher)

One day, will our children turn to us and ask, “Mommy and Daddy, why was all of your hip-hop performed by braggy robots?”

@marklisanti

I don’t believe in holidays that Google doesn’t change its logo for.

@bengold

The guy who invented those small touch screens on planes will experience hell as being poked in the back of the head repeatedly by pixies.

@zefrank

Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch.

@thepeoplegeek

Hail making scratching sounds on the windows. I told the kids snowmen were trying to get into the house. Sleep tight, kids.

@badbanana

My personality test results came back. They’re negative.

@redrabbit

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, his name is my name, too. Whenever I go out, the people always shout, “Hey… guy.”

@pagecrusher

Just explained Twitter to my friend Bill. I don’t think I did it right, as he’s excited to sign up.

@ryanmumm

No- THANK You, AutoCorrect

I have to admit, I’m rather excited to share a new discovery with you. This website has more or less officially landed on my Favorites list. DamnYouAutoCorrect.com is a website devoted entirely to the spectacular failures generated by the iPhone’s auto-correct system, which appears to be painstakingly engineered to not only “correct” what you have typed and warp it into something completely different from what you originally intended, but also to make sure that the surprise outcome is as mortifying as possible. A few of my favorites:

“My mom took these from you a long time ago, want them back lol”
“That is my first pair of skis!!! How did you get them?!”

“Idk lol. We just found them in our grandma.”

“Garage… really?”

“You would be my knight in shunning armpit.”

“And by that I mean knight in shining armor.”

“I’m baaaack!”

“Yay… I can hardly contain my excrement.”

“Excitement! I meant excitement!!!”

“You comin in to work today?”

“Yep! Will be in at 10.”

“Awesome! Stop and smell Mari’s bowelmovement on the way up! Yum! Spring!”

“Either that’s autocorrect, or you have the most awful sense of smell ever!!!”

“Omg!!! Bouquettttt I’m sorry!!!”

“I don’t know how to make you forgive me.”

“I apologized a thousand times. What more do you want?”

“Actions speak louder than wombats.”

“HAHAHA words. That was funny. But I’m still really mad at you.”

“I wanted to be a bassists when I was younger. My sunfish would ask for nasalsausages all the time.”

“There is so much fail right there. Wow. Let’s try that again.”

“Please do”

“I wanted to be a masseuse when I was younger. My auntie would ask for massages all the time.”

“I’m sorry baby.”

“I had wanted to get home to make you dinner. I didn’t mean to add to your bad fatness.”

“Bad dayness. Try typing it. It turns into fatness. I promise I didn’t mean to write that.”

“I love you and I’ll leave you alone now.”

“Daddy you’re so smart and amazing and handsome. Can I borrow your car Saturday? ;)”

“Oh I knew you wanted something!”

“Flatulence will get you nowhere!”

“I definitely meant flattery. But flatulence won’t get you anywhere either. I know that first hand.”

“There’s a ton of little green lepers at the playground today.”

“Oh, s**t, leprechauns!”

“When are you going to Orlando?”

“In 4 days!”

“I’m jealous. I want to go!”

“And get my picture taken with mickey manboobs”

“Mouseeeeeeeeeee!!! FML seriously”

“What movie are you renting tonight?”

“Harry Potter”

“Which one?”

“Harry Potter and the deadly halitosis”

“HAHAHA *deathly hallows I’m dying”

“Okay good. So you’re not perishing tonight are you?”

“And by perishing I of course mean perishing”

“Perishing”

“PERFORMING”

“Hey mom on your way over tomorrow could you bring me a few cans of chicken noodle and menstrual poop?”

“Crap I meant tomato soup!”

“You okay? You seem sad.”

“A little. I’m still stuck in Boston and Jason is back home at some strip club with 2 of his friends that I hate.”

“Well you know what they say: while the cats away, the mouse will plagiarize.”

“HAHAHA *play”

“Be there in 15. I have to pick up my mom’s Mexican first.”

“I meant medicine! Blood pressure medicine! Ducking autocorrect.”

“No one has a camera”

“Your phone does”

“The pictures suck with it”

“Ya… for some reason when you take pictures of people it makes their eyes look all feminist”

“Demonic… not feminist.”

“Hi Gregory are you being good”

“I am! Just picked up my new Harley and have been driving around with heather.”

“Oh please be careful. I worry. You could get really inseminated.”

“That doesn’t happen on the cycle mom! ;)”

“Oh this phone. I meant injured. BE CAREFUL.”

“Your chicken marsala was delicious. How do you make it?”

“Oh you liked it? Awesome! It’s just dredged in flour and cooked in butter, oil, and wine.”

“And sprinkled with salt and freshly ground black people.”

“OMG! Noooo! Ground black pepper. That was horrible.”

“Whoa! Sorry I asked!”

“I’ve got to tell you something. Are you sitting down?”

“I am actually. What’s up mom?”

“Your brother was adopted!”

“What??? What are you talking about?”

“Why are you telling me this over a text? Call me”

“Oh this damn phone. I wrote accepted and the phone changed it. He got accepted to Yale!”

“How’s the morning sickness?”

“Not too bad today. I can’t believe that we’re having another baby J”

“I’m leaving you”

“WHAT????!!!!!!!”

“now. I’m leaving work NOW. I am NOT leaving you!”

“Now I’m really gonna throw up”

“Grrrrrrl I know. I just got home from work and am curled up with a bowl of nazi ball soup.”

“OH MY GOD WHAT”

“That did not just happen.”

“omg. Matzo ball soup. And I’m Jewish. Oh the irony.”

“Sorry I’m running late, I got busy putting stuff in my anus and lost track of time. Be there soon”

“Wow- attic- not anus!”

“I’m going to sleep. I’ll call you at 8.”

“I wish I could sleep. My neighbor has like 12 Welshman hanging from his tree and they’re so loud.”

 “WINDCHIMES.”

“How’d it go at the doctor’s?”

“Oh not bad. She put me on a smurf control pill.”

“Birth control! WTF is wrong with my phone? Yesterday I asked my mom to buy me barfbags instead of napkins.”

Gary Busey's Finest

Last week, I posted a list of my favorite Charlie Sheen quotes. In that same vein, I would like to continue exploring the utterances of crazy people. This time, we will take a look at one of Hollywood’s most renowned crazy men: Gary Busey. The following are a few of my favorite Buseyisms. Enjoy. 

Do it.

“And light stands for L-I-G-H-T, which stands for Living in God’s Heavenly Thoughts.”

“…the experiences that God gave me to go through… which were cocaine, which were extravagant living in the fast, fast, fast, fast, fast lane, see?”

“And my dark side, my shadow, my lower companion is now in the back room blowing up balloons for kids’ parties.”

“Drinking your own blood is the paradigm of recycling.”

“Great things like this only happen for the first time once.”

“There has got to be more to life than being a really, really, ridiculously good actor.”

“You know what ‘sober’ stands for? It stands for ‘Son of a Bitch, Everything’s Real!”

“I’ve been told by doctors and surgeons that I have the energy of ten men who have normal jobs”

“You know what ‘fear’ stands for? It sounds for ‘False Evidence Appearing Real.’ It’s the darkroom where Satan develops his negatives.”

“I WILL TEAR OUT YOUR ENDOCRINE SYSTEM!”

“When you get lost in your imaginatory vagueness your foresight will become a nimble vagrant.”

“Your imagination is the hood ornament on your car of creativity.”

“Friends are just enemies in reverse.”

“You get to go home and eat a Mexican pizza, now think of that!”

“Men are failed women at birth.”

“One night… at [the hospital], I was sitting in bed… and saw the Grim Reaper standing in the corner. He was seven feet tall, with a brown robe. He pointed to me and said, ‘Relax, it’s not your time to go. You have been given gifts. These gifts are ready to be received by mankind. So get on your feet and improve.’ Then he laughed, spun his scythe, and left.”

More Like Crocktober (Roasted)

Riddle me this: what starts with O-C-T-O and ends with a vowel sandwiched between two consonants?

NOT OCTOPUS

dammit!

NOT OCTOMOM

It’s OCTOBER, you idiot. OCTOBER. Fun fact: the only thing more stupid than you if you actually made both of the incorrect guesses above is the holidays of October. If you would like to feel a little bit better about yourself, read on.

Note: this increase in self-esteem will only last until a few hours later, when you find yourself flipping anxiously looking through the dictionary, eager to prove to your brother that “gullible” is indeed featured within the pages.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, Domestic Violence Awareness month, National Diabetes month, and Lupus Awareness month. It is also Sarcastic Month. This makes me feel inclined to thereby avoid taking every other title the month of October claims remotely seriously. I mean, come on Anonymous Holiday Creators. Poor planning on your part does not constitute genuine feelings on mine.

October 2^nd is Name Your Car Day. I’m actually in full support of this holiday, as my family has a name for all five of our cars, and we’ve found it to be a very rewarding decision, as you can then pretend your car is a giant wheeled pet. My mother’s car, which joined the fam just yesterday, is technically named SkyRanger (mom’s choice… God knows how this crazy gene will infiltrate my bloodstream as I approach adulthood). However, I much prefer Ringo Galaxy, and hope to eventually use this name frequently enough that it will stick firmly. My father’s car is named Nathan, after a very unhelpful and uncharismatic movie theater employee we met in Kansas, on a day dad’s car was being uncharacteristically uncooperative. My older brother’s car is named CiCi, for no other reason than it is a Honda Civic. The car Kyle and I share is named Thugmuffin C, which was actually one of four answers to a question in a Jeopardy board game we were playing during that same trip to Kansas. Thugmuffin is our pride and joy, and those who are unaware of his actual identity may assume we are speaking of a religious figure or Oprah, as they hear the unbridled reverence in our voices. The fifth car, who was recently replaced by Ringo as my mother’s and has now been downgraded to my backup vehicle is named Bonnie (or BonBon, which I enjoy exclaiming as if the car were a particularly precocious puppy) solely because she is a Pontiac Bonneville.

Oh my god… I am so sorry about this.

October 7^th is Bald and Free Day. Holiday Insights describes this as a day to honor those with a “beautiful, shiny top.” Bald jokes are prohibited on this day, and baldies themselves are encouraged to take a look on the bright side: they no longer have to pay for haircuts or nurture the shame one feels on a bad hair day. 

EMBRACE IT

October 9th is Moldy Cheese Day. This is precisely (albeit unfortunately) what is sounds like: a holiday centered around nasty, crusty, moldy cheese. Holiday Insights suggests celebrating by way of scouring through refrigerators at home and at work. Because you really want to be That Person at the office.

celebrate this.

 October 11^th is Take Your Teddy Bear to Work Day. This is described as a “great opportunity to show off your beloved teddy bear to your work associates.” This can also do double duty as a great opportunity to become the least respected human being in your office.