Charlie Sheen's Finest

Warlock be crazy.

“I have a disease? Bulls**t. I cured it with my brain.”

“Winning, anyone? Rhymes with winning. Anyone? Yeah, that would be us. Sorry, man, didn’t make the rules. Oops!”

“I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars.”

“You can’t process me with a normal brain.”

“If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, ‘Dude! Can’t handle it; unplug this bast**d!’ It fired in a way that’s maybe not from, uh… this terrestrial realm.”

“I was banging seven-gram rocks, because that’s how I roll. I have one speed, I have one gear: Go.”

“Can’t is the cancer of happening.”

“Wow. What does that mean? I’m bi-WINNING.”

“I am battle-tested bayonets, bro.”

“I’m so tired of pretending my life isn’t perfect and bitching and just winning every second and I’m not perfect and bitchin’.”

“Look what I’m dealing with, man. I’m dealing with fools and trolls.”

“It’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee, because I don’t have time for these clowns.”

“You have the right to kill me, but you do not have the right to judge me. Boom. That’s the whole movie. That’s life.”

“I’m sorry, man, I got magic and I’ve got poetry in my fingertips, you know, most of the time, and this includes naps.”

“I’m an F-18, bro.”

“I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a p**sy.”

“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

“I’m bi-winning.”

“There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.”

“The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them look like droopy-eyed, armless children.”

“The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning.”

“I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels. Especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly, I have defeated this earthworm with my words- imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists.”

“[CBS] picked a fight with a warlock.”

“If you’re a part of my family, I will love you violently.”

“Winning.”

“I will not believe that if I do something, then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren’t special. People who don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA.”

“C’mon, bro, I won best picture at twenty. I wasn’t even trying. I wasn’t even warm.”

“Bring me Doctor Clown Shoes.”

“Winning.”

Disappointment

Hi. Want to read some more about frivolous holidays?

Don’t care.

Here we go.

Now, let us move forth and crack open a sizeable can of condescension for the holidays of September. May disgust and cynicism rain down on them for all eternity.

September 2^nd is National Beheading Day. Upon first reading this, I was absolutely terrified. I wondered how I had possibly managed to dodge the wrath of September 2^nd for sixteen years, even considering the possibility that this could be the year. However, the page loaded soon thereafter and was consequently met with an unimpressed mumble and a hefty eye-roll. This holiday is absolute nonsense. The following is the description provided by Holiday Insights:

“WARNING: HEADS WILL ROLL!

National Beheading Day is today. Hold onto your hat. And, make certain to keep your head screwed on tight.

Every once in a while, we happen upon a special day that has no apparent rhyme or reasoning. We can’t imagine why someone would create this day. It defies logic. But, National Beheading Day is very prolific on the net. So, therefore, it warrants a few (very few) words.

Throughout history, beheadings have occurred. The list is long, including commoners and kings. The most notable king to be beheaded was Charles I of England in 1645.

While this is a big day, don’t go crazy and lose your head. In addition to protecting your neck, we suggest you spend this day reading about famous beheadings.”

Just… shut up, Holiday Insights. Nobody likes you.

September 4^th is Newspaper Carrier Day. To be quite honest, I didn’t even read the description provided for this holiday. I don’t want anything or anyone to dissuade me from the belief that the entire point of this holiday is to hide in your bushes and ambush, attack, etc. your newspaper carrier. Apologies are forbidden.

attack.

 September 8^th is National Date Nut Bread Day. Find ONE person who actually eats date nuts and we’ll talk.

...what IS that?

 September 10^th is Swap Ideas Day. I’m only informing you of this so we can share a quick moment of mutual disdain for the following:

“Sharing is good. Ideas are a good thing, too. Putting the two together should produce a real winner of a day, eh?!”

That’s enough, Holiday Insights. That’s enough.

September 29^th is International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

 

I Googled "fat pirate", and this was the most relevant result. Just so you know... I tried.

As I am reading through this calendar of September, I am coming to the grim realization that September’s holidays are just… boring. They’re irrelevant, but not in a point and laugh sort of way. So thanks for nothing, Holiday Insights. Thanks. For. Nothing.

Crisis

Hello there...
In case any of you have noticed that there have been no blog posts as of yet this week...
I can explain.
As the result of an uncooperative computer, I have been unable to post pictures along with my blog posts lately (maybe someone turned the system's mediocrity block on). However, I will be trying again soon, and we'll see how that goes. Just wanted to let y'all know what's goin' on. See ya laterz.
#winning

Things I Like

As the author of a blog created entirely for the purpose of making fun of people, I sometimes wonder if I have led my readers (both of you) to believe that I think everything in this country is laughable and worthy of the cruelest mockery I can manage. However, this is simply not true. There are a great number of things (at least five!) that I enjoy unwaveringly and would never consider even playfully teasing. Here are a few of my favorite websites, in no particular order:

The Tosh.0 Blog at Comedy Central.com 

(www.tosh.comedycentral.com/blog)

This is one of my favorite websites for two reasons: 1) I absolutely love Daniel Tosh, and 2) I also absolutely love to mock the stupidity of others. It’s the best of both worlds, really. And for those of you who only know Daniel Tosh from his Comedy Central show Tosh.0, you should probably go watch or listen to some of his stand-up before we can resume being friends again.

Bo Burnham.com

(www.boburnham.com)

As I’ve expressed before in previous posts, my heart holds more love for comedian Bo Burnham than it does for any and all other inhabitants of the earth. My family has slowly but surely become accepting of this love and they now merely roll their eyes and halfheartedly pretend to listen when I talk about him. Note: he also has a blog, but has failed to update it since October 2^nd, 2009. Which is totally okay; he’s a very busy person. You just keep doin’ yo thang, Bo.

Texts From Last Night

(www.textsfromlastnight,com)

Because people under the influence of alcohol and/or recreational drugs are incredibly amusing.

Go Away.com

(www.27bslash6.com)

This website, authored by David Thorne, features actual correspondence between Thorne and his coworkers, landlords, son’s teachers, haters, etc. in which he always manages to be hilariously unhelpful, obnoxious and brutally witty. He also occasionally writes faux “profiles” of ridiculous characters, but I much prefer the emails and letters. My favorite is “Missing Missy”. Note: please ignore the somewhat offensive logo imagery featuring a penguin “flipping the bird.”

Awkward Family Photos

(www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com)

Just… hilarious.

URLesque.com

(www.urlesque.com)

This is a website featuring quirky or amusing news stories on the web. A few of my personal favorites:

Hipster Disney Villains Are Way More Underground Than Hipster Disney Princesses

http://www.urlesque.com/2011/02/25/hipster-disney-villains-meme/

Meet Etti-Cat, the 1960s LOLcat

http://www.urlesque.com/2011/02/23/etti-cat-1960s-lolcat/

Thumbs-Up Cat Just Wants You to Chill Out, Bro

http://www.urlesque.com/2011/02/24/jimmy-thumbs-up-cat/

Charlie the “Voldemort Cat” Gets Adopted Into a New Home!

http://www.urlesque.com/2011/02/15/charlie-voldemort-cat-adopted/

The Onion.com

(www.theonion.com)

Self-proclaimed to be “America’s Finest News Source”, the Onion is a newspaper comprised entirely of 100% fictional headlines. A lil sample:

Embarrassed Republicans Admit They’ve Been Thinking Of Eisenhower Whole Time They’ve Been Praising Reagan

Same Americans Who Made Taylor Swift Popular Polled On Constitutionality Of Health Care Reform

Netflix Switches Over To Convenient New Physical Locations

Girl In Park Acts Like It’s No Big Deal She’s Wearing Bikini

I Googled "Huge Muffin Top" For You People

In lieu of a halfway decent topic, today’s post will be centered around the almighty Muffin Top. Get over it.

Now, for those of you who aren’t already aware of this phenomenon (read: disgustingly clueless and obligated to feel shame, lots and lots of shame), here are a few definitions of the term, provided by various websites:

Wikipedia: “a generally pejorative slang term used to describe the phenomenon of overhanging flesh (fat) when it spills over the waistline of pants or skirts in a manner that resembles the top of a muffin spilling over its paper casing.”

 Urban Dictionary, throwing all tact and/or delicacy out the window: “The flab that hangs over the top of low rider jeans on fat chicks.”

Urban Dictionary again (this one’s my favorite): “Thy butt hath overfloweth thine tiny pants.”

 

note: this picture is EVERYWHERE. I wonder if this girl is aware that her muffin top is a minor internet celebrity. if not, I would love to be the one to tell her.

 

 triplets.

while we're discussing muffiny things: personally, I covet a muffin-shaped cat more than you can possibly understand.

While researching the phenomenon that is the Muffin Top, I came across what just might be one of the best websites ever. Ever. It is called Muffin Huntin’ dot com, and is sole purpose is to mock those sporting a muffiny midsection. Mean? Absolutely. Rude? Unequivocally. 

Let’s go.

As we arrive at the home page, we are greeted with a fairly diplomatic definition of the term Muffin Top, a few pictures, and the following words of welcome: “Welcome to Muffin Huntin’ dot com. The world’s only museum dedicated to the Muffin Top and the never-ending Muffin Hunting season.”

 Next on the menu is the Muffin O’ the Month, in which one lucky lady is awarded the honor of being lauded as the owner of the best (or worst, depending on how you want to look at it) Muffin Top submitted that month. Unfortunately for the last winner, this section was last updated in May of 2008, thus rewarding her with an eternity of muffiny glory.

Following that success story, we arrive at the Dangers of Hunting. Aspiring Muffin Hunters are warned of the precautions necessary in this dangerous line of work: “While hunting the Muffins can be an adventure on its own, capturing this elusive creature on film in its natural habitat presents many dangers. Getting caught photographing the Muffin Top may result in physical harm or verbal abuse by the girl sporting the Muffin. We advise you to proceed with caution while trying to view or photograph the Muffin Tops.”

 The best part: the gallery, featuring the muffiniest of Muffin Tops and the meanest captions possible, therefore making it right up my alley. A few of my favorite captions:

“Sunscreen is good for Jabba the Hutt.”

“These two were looking for the Krispy Kreme burger.”

 “Is she smuggling a loaf of bread in there?”

“Anyone see the movie EARTHQUAKE?”

And now for the grand finale, the best possible way to TOP this all off (snicker chortle snort): the Muffin Top song. This is from the fifth episode of the first season of 30 Rock. For those who don’t know what 30 Rock is: you are a tiny pathetic person and I can’t be friends with you anymore. It’s not like it’s one of the most critically acclaimed television shows of the decade or anything, you uncultured quafboggle (new vocab- write it down). Anyhow, the story behind this song is that one of the characters, Jenna Maroney (Jane Krakowski) is a star on the television network the show is centered around. A few years prior to the episode, she dated a record producer and recorded a song called “Muffin Top.” This song became a chart-topping hit in Israel. There are no YouTube videos featuring the entire song, but here’s the best I could do. If you wish to hear the entire song (trust me- you do), I’m sure there’s a nice spot or it on your iPod. You’ve always needed that perfect song to round out your Workout Jamz playlist.

 

the actual (if a bit abbreviated) clip from the episode

  the full song (I'm sorry, I don't know why this refuses to stop being so awkwardly lopsided...)

AuGUST Of Stupid Holidays (See What I Did There?)

Thanks for bringin' him in, Chuckles.
Hello, August.
We've been waiting.

August 5^th is Work Like a Dog Day. HolidayInsights describes this as a day to “dig in relentlessly” and, basically, work like a maniac. Personally, I don’t get this holiday at all. Work like a DOG? I mean, I realize it’s just an expression, but…

oh, wait, wait, wait... I guess he's working pretty hard. at BREATHING.

August 6^th is Wiggle Your Toes Day. This makes me very uncomfortable. Toes freak me out a significant amount, and just the thought of millions of people setting aside a day to wiggle them about and be all gross and freaky and toe-y just does not sit well with me. Please, I beg of you, do not participate in Wiggle Your Toes Day. Please.

August 8^th is Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Day. I honestly thought that was some sort of euphemism for sexual relations. But apparently it’s just a day to PAWN UNWANTED ZUCCHINI FRUIT OFF ON YOUR UNSUSPECTING NEIGHBORS.

August 10^th is Lazy Day. Oh… is that... is that only supposed to be one day? Oops…

August 16^th is National Tell a Joke Day. This can quickly escalate into We Don’t Effing Care Why the Chicken Crossed the Damn Road, Now Go Lock Yourself in a Cupboard and Die Day.

August 18^th is Bad Poetry Day. To celebrate, HolidayInsights advises gathering a group of friends who are presumably incredibly lame just like you and having the following conversation:

You: *snicker* Hey, guys… wanna do something hilarious?

Your friends: Ha! Totally! Ha ha!

You: We should totally write some bad poetry and send to our former teachers! *chortle giggle snort snort guffaw*

Your friends: HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! *snort snort snort snort snort snort*

However, I suggest merely sitting in on an LA-9 class.

Note: I know, that hypothetical situation was completely outlandish.

A person like that wouldn’t have multiple friends.

August 21^st is comedian Bo Burnham’s birthday. I’m only including this because Mr. Burnham also happens to hold the title of My Favorite Person in the Existence of the Universe. I can think of no other way to quantize the amount of love I have for him other than to tell you that I have never uttered, thought, or written anything short of positively glowing adoration of him. And speaking as someone who authors a blog of which the sole focus is making fun of people, this is quite remarkable. My highest aspiration for this blog involves including Mr. Burnham as a co-author, so we can make fun of stoopies (new term for stupid people, obvi) together. Sigh.

P.S. I met him once. He let me touch his hair.

August 25^th is Kiss and Make Up Day. I’m only including this because I want to discuss the fact that HolidayInsights has been slyly inserting references to their sponsor, apparently some sort of gardening company, and they have been growing progressively more and more ridiculous as I’ve moved through the months. And I think they may have just reached the ultimate peak. Milestone, y’all:

August 30^th is Frankenstein Day. While HolidayInsights claims that this is a holiday celebrating the work of author Mary Wollenstone Shelley. However, I am able to see through their slick little veneer. This is clearly a day intended for celebrators to rob a local morgue and construct their very own Frankenstein monsters. Hey, you’ve always wanted a friend. Now’s your chance, champ.

They're Baaack...

Hey. Before we start, I just want to tell you something… give you a little heads-up. An old friend of the blog is returning today. Now, I don’t know if you remember this or not, but he just sort of wandered away a few months ago, and now he’s finally made it back to us safely. Okay, I just want to… look at me. Are you even listening? I just want to make sure you don’t make this awkward. Our old friend might feel a bit uncomfortable after being away for so long, but you need to remember that he’s the same person inside, okay? Nothing has changed, and we need to make sure it feels just like old times. Oh, Jesus, he’s coming. Be cool, be cool.

Welcome back. Stupid Holiday Posts.

And I see you brought a buddy. What up, July? Let’s tango.

July 1^st is Canada Day. I am not going to make fun of this holiday. Why? Because I sort of unconditionally, ferociously, and (admittedly) inexplicably love Canada. Those Canadians are just so adorable. Personally, I would love to have a tiny pocket-sized Canadian to carry around with me and say adorable stereotypically Canadian things like, “Soory aboot that, eh!”

and they ride horses backwards. BACKWARDS!

July 2^nd is World UFO Day. Also known as Attention All Raving Conspiracy Theorist Lunatics: It’s Time to Let Your Freak Flags Fly! Day.

July 3^rd is Disobedience Day. I only chose to look into this holiday in the hopes that it would twenty-four hours dedicated solely to raising utter hell and sticking it to the man. But then HolidayInsights, the mild-mannered mother of holiday websites, stepped in:

“We’re going to be up front and make it clear that we are neither encouraging nor endorsing disobedience. We also want to make it clear to our younger readers that disobeying parents, teacher, or other authorities is not a good thing……… period. We suggest you use this day to learn a little about civil disobedience, and why it is sometimes used.”

1) Six extra dots on the ellipses, really? Really?

2) Yeah, I hate fun, too. I’m sure learning about civil disobedience is just as fun as smashing a neighbor’s plastic Santa (SIR- IT’S FEBRUARY NOW) or outfitting a negligent dog owner’s pet with dreadlocks.

July 4^th is Sidewalk Egg Frying Day. Because it’s not like we have anything else to celebrate on the fourth of July...

July 6^th is National Fried Chicken Day. Just saying.

me partaking in the festivities (my favorite holiday!) in '09.

July 10^th is Teddy Bear Picnic Day. How adorable is that? However, those of you over the age of twenty-five get to celebrate Creepiest Occupant of a Public Park Day.

July 13^th is Embrace Your Geekness Day. HolidayInsights defines a geek as someone who is “highly intelligent (brainy) and technically oriented.”

First of all, thank you, HolidayInsights, for deconstructing the complicated phrase “highly intelligent” into “brainy” for us simpleton readers. Thank you.

Second of all, their main advice regarding how one should celebrate this holiday is “Spend plenty of time with your computer.” Implied meaning: spend plenty of time with the only friend who can’t avoid you.

let's celebrate... ladies?

July 20^th is Ugly Truck Day. Which, before you even get to the page, HolidayInsights warns is “a guy thing.” I took this to mean that dire consequences would be employed were I to so much as deign to preview the page, so in the interest of my own safety, we will learn no more about this holiday.

July 27^th is Take Your Pants for a Walk Day. Now, HolidayInsights describes this as a day to celebrate by simply heading out on a walk. And “unless you are wearing a dress or skirt, you probably are wearing pants. So, by definition, as you walk, they come along.” However, I think that’s fairly halfhearted. I plan on celebrating this holiday by attaching my pants to a leash and taking them for a nice brisk powerwalk around the block. Keepin’ it literal. For realz.