Your Hair Will Hate You

As you have undoubtedly noticed, we Americans seem to have a superb knack for making ourselves look like idiots. We accomplish this goal using a plethora of mediums, such as the invention of stupid products, the fattification of our citizens, and, most effectively, our appearances. Today we’ll be focusing on a very specific aspect of the third aforementioned medium: the hairstyle. I find myself routinely appalled by what people deem acceptable to do to their hair, both back in the day and in modern times. The following doubles as a guide to the evolution of the ridiculous hairstyle AND a list of things to never, ever, ever do to yourself:

1. the ducktail: popular in the 1950s, this style was achieved by, firstly, combing the sides of the hair back very tightly, then arranging all of the hair on the top of the head in to a casually disordered pile  (side note: John Travolta’s sideburn and the hair connecting it is shaped like a tree. Just look at it!).

2. the beehive: surely you’ve seen this style before, as I have to admit it’s making a bit of a comeback (in the less severe form of Bumpits and “poofs”). But in the 50s and 60s, the full-on beehive reigned supreme, in all its voluminous glory. To create a beehive, one must A) tease her hair to towering heights, then B) coat it with hairspray until its texture resembles that of a large piece of rock. 

this has evolved...

into this.

3. the Mohawk: the definitive hairstyle of hooligan culture. The crazed Mohawk coveter shaves their head clean, save for a single strip in the middle. This strip is grown long, then teased straight up in the air and solidified using any and all household liquids the wearer can find (eggs, glue, hairspray, etc.).

reverse mohawk? brilliant!

 

4. the afro: this style can only be sported by those with very curly hair. The afro-ee must grow their curly hair out and brush it, transforming their locks into a very large, very fluffy halo surrounding their head. My big brother used to have a pseudo-fro. I’m very proud of this fact.

why?

5. cornrows: the wearer simply has their stylist plait their hair very tightly into tiny braids running in vertical lines across the scalp, creating an appearance similar to rows of corn. Hence the name “corn rows”. I used to have corn rows when I was in elementary school. I was somehow led to believe that it would be a better alternative to headbands and bobby pins when growing out my bangs. I was also led to believe that this aesthetic decision would be socially acceptable.  You can’t possibly fathom how much this embarrasses me now.

that's right. hide your face in shame.

fifty points for the mohawk/cornrow combo. it's a twofer!

6. dreadlocks: I suggest this style for those of you who would like to have hair that never looks clean. The dreads are created by teasing the hair in small sections, securing with a rubber band, then smothering the hair with some kind of oil or wax and “palm-rolling” it. Personally, I find dreadlocks to be terrifying and I would be very uncomfortable if somebody’s dreadlock happened to touch me. I imagine it would feel very much like a monster’s moustache. 

terrifying.

ew, gag me with a spoon.

7. the jheri curl: this style was very popular among African-American men in the 70s. This style involved growing out one’s hair, relaxing it, then finishing with a perm. I recommend this style if all you’ve ever wanted is to impersonate a poodle.

I realize this is completely unrelated, but look at all the horrible things people do to their poodles. Sadistic.

but this one is kind of super mega awesome times the square root of wow. just a little bit, though.

8. the devilock: popularized by the punk band the Misfits, this style consists of dark hair (preferably as oily and dirty-looking as you can possibly manage, please) being teased forward into a point on the wearer’s forehead. This one scares me, too. I desperately fear being attacked from both sides by a dreadlock and a devilock.

9. the shining star of the world of sadlarious hairstyles… the mullet! This was made famous by Billy Ray Cyrus and even came with its own catchphrase (“Business in the front, a party in the back!”). My own twin brother, desperately in need of a haircut, is beginning to grow his own mini-mullet. This fact genuinely upsets him.

10. liberty spikes: this may be the first legitimately dangerous hairstyle I’ve seen. You could poke an eye out with those!

Let Celebrities Name Your Baby

Celebrities are infamous for giving their babies bizarre, incomprehensible, and, more often than not, incredibly laughable names. A few of my favorites:

1. Dan Cortese's Tabooger

2. Rob Morrow's Tu

3. T.I.'s Messiah Ya'majesty

4. David Duchovny's Kyd

5. Penn Jillette's Moxie Crimefighter

6. Jason Lee's Pilot Inspektor

7. all of Frank Zappa's children: (Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ahmet Emuukha Rodan, and Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen)

Yes.

We're all quite familiar here with the fact that I enjoy expressing distaste and condescension for the stupid ideas we Americans come up with, but every now and then, something comes along that sways my opinion the slightest bit. I tend to forget that we have the capacity to be witty and ironic (if a teensy bit smart-alecky), too. Take a look at these real-life answers from high school students' tests, and pick out which ones you plan on recreating on your tests in the future (personally, I'm a huge fan of the very last picture in this post): 

 

Question: What is a vibration?

Answer: There are good vibrations and bad vibrations. Good vibrations were discovered in the 1960s.

Question: Joanna works in an office. Her computer is a stand-alone system. What is a stand-alone computer system?

Answer: It doesn’t come with a chair.

Question: Explain the phrase “free press”.

Answer: When your mum irons trousers for you.

Question: What is a fibula?

Answer: A little lie.

Question: What is the meaning of the word “varicose”?

Answer: Close by.

Question: To change centimeters to meters you ___?____

Answer: Take out centi.

Question: Overall, how would you rate your learning experience in this class?

Answer: If I had one hour to live, I’d spend it in this class because it feels like an eternity.

Question: The early sexual maturity of children and the subsequent shortening of childhood has been caused by ___________ ________.

Answer: Michael Jackson.

Question: Briefly explain what hard water is.

Answer: Ice.

Question: The water of the earth’s oceans stores lots of heat. An engineer designed an ocean liner that would extract heat from the ocean’s waters at T1=10ºC (283 K) and reject heat to the atmosphere at T1=20ºC (293 K). He thought he had a good idea, but his boss fired him. Explain.

Answer: Because he slept with his boss’s wife.

Question: Name an angle complimentary to BDC:
Answer: You look much thinner from over here.

Question: Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning:

Answer: Hands that judicious can be as soft as your face…

Question: What’s a Hindu?

Answer: It lays eggs.

Macho, Macho Men Buy Stupid, Stupid Stuff

Let's be frank (if that doesn't work for you, I suppose we could be steve): the ladies aren't the only ones who are being bombarded with ridiculous products left and right. Men are impressionable, eagerly gullible consumers, too. They'll buy anything if it smells, looks, or tastes like bacon- it's that easy. Below is a tribute (although "tribute" admittedly seems like too respectful of a word for this) to the marketing pros who reel in the easiest prey possible: the American Male Consumer.


#1: the FlairHair Visor. This product would be just like any other ordinary visor, except for the fact that it has a nice, plush carpet of ridiculous-looking hair spilling out of the top. This product is intended for balding men or people with full heads of hair who just want to “enhance their image”.

your image? consider it enhanced, bro.

 For some reason, this product appears to be particularly popular with golfers. Maybe Tiger wouldn’t have had so much trouble with infidelity had he been sporting one of these. Good luck reelin’ em in with this on your head, fellas.

                                                                                                                                                                       

#2: the Potty Putter Toilet Green: for those of you who find books to be insufficient when it comes to toilet-seat entertainment. This is a tiny putting green that you position on the floor near your toilet. Because there is no better time for perfecting that hole-in-one than when you are workin’ on your own number two.

because accidentally walking in on someone wasn't already awkward enough.

#3: the UroClub Golf Urination Device. This is a perfect example of the male gender’s tiny capacity for shame. The UruClub is designed to look like a golf club, but it has a secret: a tiny “reservoir” hidden Inside the club grip where you can piddle. It comes with a “privacy towel” that the user clips to his waistband in order to maintain secrecy.

completely inconspicuous.

 
#4: Mantyhose. You guessed it- these are pantyhose for men. My favorite description of these is from the Emilio Cavallini website: “Military Green Mantyhose: Fashionable mantyhose for the tough guys who want to look fine.” (For clarification purposes, I feel I should point out that, in this context, “fine” is being pronounced “fiiiiiiiiiiiine”, as opposed to “fine”. Example: “How was school today?” “Fine.” vs. “How do I look?” “You look fiiiiiiine!” Just so we’re clear here). As ridiculous as this product is, I'm at least thankful that I have to look no further for my brother’s Christmas present. Thanks, mantyhose!

because nothing is more appealing than hearing your boyfriend say, "oh, shoot, there

's a run in my pantyhose!"

#5: Chest Hair Toupee: for those guys who seethe with envy at the sight of the lucky men who have to buy shirts two sizes larger than they need in order to accommodate their bushy chest hair. Riddle me this: are people more inclined to judge you and feel pity for you if they see you have no chest hair at all, or if they see you carefully removing your CHEST HAIR TOUPEE? Take note of this shining example of the fragility of the male ego. Be careful, they’re made of porcelain.

violently gagging as i post this.

i realize this has nothing to do with the subject, but... hahahahahahahahahahaha!

#6: makeup for men. I hope you are all as appalled as I am. Now, we’ve all become accustomed to seeing a little guyliner here and there (or in Adam Lambert’s case, quite a lot); it’s hardly even worth mentioning anymore. But manufacturers are now starting to make entire lines of makeup for men. Despite attempts to toughen the products up a bit by giving them names like “Battlescars Cure” lotion and “Manscara”, you cannot hide the fact that this is makeup. While I can’t see any man leaving his buddies at the bar for a quick touch-up in the bathroom (certainly this is not something any man would publicize to his macho buddies), I’m visualizing scores of insecure men furtively checking around the corner before they slip into the bathroom to “put their face on”.

yes.

no.

#7: the KFC Double Down. This is a “sandwich” brought to us by the founding fathers of American Fattydom, KFC. It contains two slices of monterey jack cheese, two slices of pepper jack cheese, two slices of bacon, and a special sauce. What’s the problem with this, you ask? In lieu of a bun, this sandwich in encased in two fried chicken fillets. This sandwich flawlessly encompasses the spirit of manhood; I literally cannot picture anyone of the female gender consuming this. And now for some stats:

-540 calories

-32 grams of fat

-1380 grams of sodium

Gross.

This One's For the Girls

As everyone in the marketing business will tell you, appealing to your target demographic is of the utmost importance when selling a product. Oftentimes, companies will market a product specifically towards women. This can result in the following embarrassments:
#1: Pikaru Baby Carrier Vest. This is a fleece vest that includes a pouch for your baby in the front. This looks just as amusing as it sounds. I would recommend this product for members of the female gender who want to look like unfortunate kangaroos or the guy from the movie "Total Recall" (see below).

                                                                                                                              
#2: the Rejuvenique RJV10KIT Facial Toning Mask Kit. This mask contains gold "contact points" on the inside. When powered by a battery, those contact points move around, massaging and (supposedly) rejuvenating your skin. What's so bad about this, you wonder? No one will be able to see your freshly rejuvenated skin because they mistook you for a serial killer and ran like hell.

#3: thong jeans. These are jeans with exposed denim thongs pre-attached. I don't think I can sum this up any better than the Huffington Post did: "At $94.29 a pair, these are quite possibly the most expensive route to looking as cheap as possible." I really cannot fathom why any sane human being would possibly purchase these, but American consumerism has always been a bit of a mystery to me...

your mother must be so proud.

Why Pets Bite People

It's no secret that we all love our pets. Whether you have a fish, cat, dog, turtle, or miniature llama (this is completely plausible, I knew a girl in fifth grade who had a miniature llama as a pet. I was ridiculously jealous), your pet deserves all the love and warmth and pampering you can give it. And how, you ask, should we go about pampering our furry, scaly, feathery friends? It's easy: just buy them spectacularly lame presents. If none of the following are perfect enough for your precious pal, then you need to lower your standards.

#1: Bowser Beer for dogs. This beverage contains glucosamine, B-vitamins, and malt barley (just like real brewskies!). To Man's Best Friend: Get ready to get crunk. 

#2: Rear Gear Butt Covers for cats and dogs: this is best summarized by a direct quote from the product website: "Is your pet feeling left in the dirt because of his/her unsightly rear? I've got them covered..." Because it's a lot less disturbing to be looking at a picture of a biohazard symbol, cupcake or sherriff's badge in the place where an animal's bum-oley should be.

#3: the Purr Detector. This is a collar that lights up when your cat is purring. Quite frankly, if you can't tell when your cat is purring, you are probably too unobservant and negligent to be a cat owner. Or your cat is too unhappy to be purring. But hey, I'd be unhappy, too, if my owner actually spent money on things like Purr Detectors.

#4: Pet Stroller. Enough has been said.
 

this makes me sad.

#5: Croc Cat Bed. This is a cat bed that is designed to look like a giant Croc. I'm just gonna say it: I haaaate Crocs. Just... gross. No. But I have to admit that this bed is pretty hilarious, and I might buy one just to be ironic and cool and funny.

plotting owner's upcoming demise. it will be slow and it will be painful.

Five Ways to Make Everyone in the Vicinity Lose Respect for You

I'm hoping that you've at least somewhat grasped the point of this blog by now. If you haven't, I think you're kind of unintelligent and I want you to stop reading my blog. Now.
Instead of covering just one stupid product this time, I'm giving you a list of five. Big upgrade, I know. You're welcome. Now, dear readers, all I want you to do is sit back and relax. And like me.
Here we go:
#1: Jerome Russell's Spray On Hair Color Thickener. Before I investigated, I was under the impression that this product was something balding men sprayed on their hair and the product somehow whipped their hair follicles into shape. I was wrong. This product is a colored spray, much like spray paint, that the aforementioned balding men spray on their heads to make it look like they have thick, luscious hair. In reality, it just looks a very sad (sadlarious, even) attempt to fool the general public. A failed attempt, at that. See below:

I repeat: fail.

#2 just may be one of the best things I've ever seen. It's the Privacy Scarf. It's designed for people who like to think they're making themselves inconspicuous when, in fact, everyone around them is laughing and pointing. Good thing the Privacy Scarf-wearers are completely unaware of their surroundings. Otherwise they might feel like people are judging them.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

On to #3, then: the Solafeet Foot Tanner. Yeah, you heard me (well, I guess you... read... me?). It's a tanner for your tootsies. Believe me, this is necessary. That overly-enthusiastic foot fetishist next door will lose interest if you're sporting pasty pies (that's PEE-ase, b.t.w. The Spanish word for feet? Not pies. Not desserts. Feet.).

feet = toned, tanned, fit and ready. ohhh yess.

 

#4: Bed Books. You know how annoying it is when you're trying to read lying down, and you have to *annoyed huff* actually turn your head sideways in order to read? Yeah, me too. Hate it, bro. Hate it. Well, get ready to get relief, because the folks over at Bed Books have provided us with a long-awaited solution. They make books with the text printed sideways! No more turning your head to read; consider yourself woe-free. Thanks, Bed Books!

 

or you could just suck it up and sit upright to read.

 lazy freaks.   

#5: I know I already told y'all that the Privacy Scarf was my favorite thing on this list. Well, numero cinco is offering some pretty stiff competition. Introducing... the Boyfriend Pillow.
This is exactly as sadlarious as it sounds. The Boyfriend Pillow is a pillow with an arm on it, designed to imitate the feeling of having a man's arm around you. A direct quote from the website: "The Boyfriend Pillow is a uniquely designed memory foam arm pillow that gives females the feeling of being embraced by by a real man without the snoring, tossing or turning." I think this might be one of the saddest things I've ever seen. I don't know if there's a better way to advertise your own desperation and crushing loneliness. And I'm not going to lie to you, the pillow itself is quite creepy. It looks like half of a man's torso has been severed and given to sad single ladies to snuggle with.

creepy.

creepy AND sad.