No Title Necessary; You Know I've Thought of Nothing New

Blah blah blah, OMG I’m hopelessly unoriginal and my mind is a monstrous black hole of unoriginality and despair, blah blah blah, empty promise that next week will be better, blah blah blah, desperate plea for your tolerance and/or approval. Well, I think we’ve covered all the usual formalities. Let’s get to business. May, please take your place around the campfire. You’re about to be roasted.

May is Date Your Mate Month. Because the other 11 months are designated for the dating of other people’s mates?

May is both National Hamburger Month and National Blood Pressure Month. Seriously, is somebody doing this on purpose?

May 1^st is Save the Rhino Day. I was completely on board with this holiday and its purpose (to raise awareness about the endangerment of the rhino)…. Until I saw the picture Holiday Insights supplied. Quite frankly, if that’s how the rhino’s going to look, I don’t feel the least bit compelled to save them.

May 3^rd is Lumpy Rug Day. Contrary to popular belief, the “Lumpy Rug” in question is not a dance your parents did at their school dances. It’s even more stupid than that. Lumpy Rug Day is a day to “appreciate a good rug.”  Because, apparently, somebody thinks WE NEED TO BE CELEBRATING SOMETHING EVERY SINGLE DAY OF THE YEAR. Ridiculous.

May 6^th is National Tourist Appreciation Day. Because I would like nothing more than to appreciate these people.

May 6^th is also International No Diet Day.

just a quick candid of me doing a bit o' celebrating last year.

May 8^th is No Socks Day. Also known as Nobody Wants to See Your Wookiee Toes Day.

May 9^th is Lost Sock Memorial Day. See, if you hadn’t participated in No Socks Day, you would know where they were. It’s your fault for participating in such an asinine holiday.

May 14^th is Dance Like a Chicken Day. No.

May 15^th is National Sea Monkey Day. My brother used to have sea monkeys. I named one of them Hermione. Unfortunately, they were killed when, in a well-intentioned attempt to save them from a spider, I hid them in a drawer. R.I.P. Hermione.

May 21^st is National Memo Day. Here, I’ll pre-write one for you: GET A LIFE.

May 24^th is National Escargot Day. Dis. Gus. Ting.

May 25^th is National Tap Dance Day. Don’t do this.

May 30^th is Water a Flower Day. You’re only allowed to participate in this if A) you water only one flower, B) you water this one flower only on this designated day, and C) you express as much enthusiasm about it as the man depicted below.

Holi-Don'ts (I Hate Myself)

Per the assurance of a fellow AP Lang. classmate that no, my holiday posts were not stupid and boring and a crime against the internet (I sincerely hope she was not lying to me in order to spare my feelings…), combined with the fact that, yet again, my mind is completely blank when it comes to new, non-recycled ideas for topics to blog about, I will be doing more posts about stupid holidays (please don’t hate me; my will to live is strongly correlated with the flow of positive encouragement of others). *turns around* Oh, hey, April. Uh, sit down. I think we need to talk.

April is both National Humor Month and Sexual Assault Awareness Month. So, uh, no further comments on that…

April 3^rd is Don’t Go to Work Unless it’s Fun Day. Holiday Insights.com actually advises us to ask for our bosses’ permission before we decide to skip work.

You: "Hey, boss, it’s me. I’d like to request permission to skip work today."

Your Boss: "Um… what? Why? Are you sick?"

You: "No."

Your Boss: "Your car won’t start?"

You: "No."

Your Boss: "Your epileptic dog is missing and you need to find him before he accidentally wanders into a nightclub and is potentially sent spiraling into a series of severe seizures?"

You: "No. It’s Don’t Go to Work Unless it’s Fun Day."

Your Boss: "You’re fired."

April 4^th is Hug a Newsman Day. This is very welcome news to me, and (I’m sure) my entire family. We have all had something of a collective crush on local newsman Bruce Aune, of KRCG TV-9 fame, for quite some time now. This infatuation with Mr. Aune began when my brother and I were in 7^th grade, and he entered the news station’s writing contest, which he ultimately won first prize in. The winner received a trip to DisneyWorld for themselves and their family, as well as all the fame and prestige that goes along with winning a title as prestigious as this (read: none). However, the real prize was that we got to meet Bruce Aune in the newsroom and Kyle got to pose for publicity shots with him (see below). Hence, Hug a Newsman Day would be a very exciting holiday to celebrate. Very exciting indeed.

note: my brother isn't actually QUITE that fat. he's merely holding a bag the same color as his shirt.

April 4^th is also Tell a Lie Day. Holiday creators have no conscience.

April 6^th is Plan Your Epitaph Day. Get ready to get festive.

 April 6^th is also Sorry Charlie Day. A) That doesn’t rhyme. B) Who decided we needed to have a holiday specifically dedicated to looking back on all the times you’ve been rejected in life? Holiday Insights explains: “Take a minute today and reflect upon a past dejection. Then, smile with the realization that “__ it happens… to all of us!” (note: that is a verbatim quote. Of course Holiday Insights did not swear, and I would certainly hate to defile their sickeningly cutesy, perky image by implying as such)

April 8^th is Draw a Picture of a Bird Day. Why?

April 10^th is National Sibling Day. “A day to appreciate and cherish your brothers and sisters.” I always appreciate and cherish my twin brother, but, unfortunately, 99.99% of our conversations are some variation on this:

Me: "Hi, Kyle! Want to link arms and skip down the sidewalk?"

Kyle: "You’re fat and adopted."

…I am NOT adopted.

April 14^th is Ex Spouse Day. Holiday Insights describes: “If you value your ex in any way, give him or her whatever recognition and appreciation you feel is appropriate today. If you cannot find any redeeming trait, no one will fault you for skipping today’s celebrations altogether.” However, I am choosing to interpret this as Yard-TPing, Car-Keying, House-Egging Day. Have fun, scorned exes. May nothing hinder your thirst for vengeance on this great day.

April 14^th is also Look Up at the Sky Day. Also known as Be As Counterproductive as Possible Day.

April 14th is ALSO Mckenzie's birthday. Why, you ask, does this qualify as something notable enough to acknowledge on my blog? Because Mckenzie is the only person who reads this blog and if I'm not nice to her, she might stop and leave me completely readerless.

April 19^th is National Garlic Day. Also known as Nobody is Going to Kiss You Day.

The Monday after Easter is Dyngus Day. This may be the most horrifying holiday I’ve learned about as of yet. Dyngus day is intended to help boys meet girls. And they go about this by chasing after them with squirt guns or buckets and drenching them with water or cologne. And if that’s not having the lady magnet effect you’re looking for, one can also hit them on the legs with switches or twigs. If anybody of the male gender actually chooses to participate in this holiday, I can guarantee you one thing. They will definitely be meeting some ladies… in court.

April 26^th is Hug an Australian Day. Yes, please.

The New Tinsel

Happy December Twelfth, everybody! Only thirteen more days until Christmas! If you’re anything like my family, you’ve been far too busy (read: lazy) to start decorating for the holidays. I myself am grimly beginning to come to the realization that I will most likely be decorating the Christmas tree all by my lonesome self this year, singing along half-heartedly to the *NSYNC Christmas album and perhaps occasionally coaxing the cat into perfunctorily batting at a strand of tinsel or chewing on some tree lights.

             

I firmly believe that my family would be much more inclined to participate in all the decorating fun if we had more interesting decorations. Note: by “interesting”, I mean “significantly less dignified and significantly more amusing.” Here we go.

             

These nostalgic candles feature innocent schoolchildren caroling, reminding one of the days they spent doing the very same in their youth, going from house to house and gracing the occupants with the glory of song. Granted, many of you may or may not remember being set aflame whilst you sang…

Silly me, I thought this snowman was holding his arms like that merely because he was getting himself psyched to wrap us in a big, fat (admittedly a tad creepy) bearhug. However, this assumption turned out to be wildly incorrect, and, boy, do I feel like a complete idiot. Obviously, this snowman is getting ready to festively pop, lock, and drop to Lil’ Jon and the Eastside Boyz’ (Boyz’s? Boyzs’? I’m really not sure how to pluralize that) “Get Low.” If that doesn’t say “holiday warmth and cheer”, I don’t know what does. (for those of you who have never had the pleasure of hearing this song, I highly commend you on your ability to uphold some level of musical dignity. However, if you decide you absolutely must hear this song to fully appreciate the holiday wonder this snowman inspires, you could, theoretically, go look it up. Note: I am not responsible for these lyrics. This one’s all on you, Lil’ Jon and the Eastside Boyz)

Yes. This is exactly what it looks like. What better way to celebrate the religious aspect of this holiday by purchasing a nativity scene consisting entirely of rubber duckies dressed as baby J and the gang?

             

 For those of you who have only one holiday wish, and it’s to make people hate you as immediately and all-encompassingly as possible.

             

 For the jokesters in your neighborhood who like to spread holiday cheer by placing this on their house in the hopes of luring a fifty-five year-old woman into nearly killing herself climbing up a ladder in an attempt to save this poor man (true story. Seriously).

           

The epitome of class.

            

 I think I may have hit the jackpot in terms of sadlarious Christmas decorations. The following figurines are from Catholicshopper.com, and no, they are not actually intended to be amusing. They are, in fact, supposed to be inspirational, and are therefore unintentionally hilarious. The website’s description is as follows:

“Handpainted resin statues on a solid wood base are the perfect gift for every young Catholic athlete. These statues portray Jesus actively participating with boys and girls in a variety of sports. A wonderful way to reinforce Jesus “as friend” in everyday activities.

The statues on this page now include a brass nameplate, “Jesus Is My Coach.”               

I Continue to be Consistently Unoriginal

           As embarrassed as I am to be announcing this, I appear to have hit some sort of “Blogger’s Block” in my writing process, a result of which being that I can think of absolutely no original ideas or topics to blog about. This would be why you readers (all two of you) are learning waaay more about stupid holidays than can possibly be healthy. So, I apologize for that. I’m sure we’ll be back to the usual pretentious cynicism and lowbrow poop jokes next week. So get psyched for that. But for now… March, come on down! You’re the next contestant on Why Your Holidays Are Frivolous and Deserve Condescending Judgment!

March 3^rd is If Pets Had Thumbs Day. Does anybody else see how terrifying this would be? Anyone at all? What hell would break loose when the angst-filled pets of the world are suddenly equipped with the most useful finger?

March 5^th is Multiple Personality Day. As described by Holiday Insights.com, this is a day to “get in touch with yourselves.” We are cautioned to not be surprised when we see that we are surrounded by people talking to themselves on this day, and that we might even find ourselves shootin’ the breeze with the man in the mirror. In my opinion, this whole spectacle sounds incredibly embarrassing. I really cannot fathom why we as a country are encouraging this behavior. However, if you do choose to participate in these festivities (caution: I will judge you. A lot), just remember: “When you wish someone ‘Happy Multiple Personality Day’, you may need to do so multiple times, once for each personality.”

March 7^th is National Crown Roast of Pork Day. I don’t even know what that means. Also, this may be why the rest of the world thinks we’re carnivores of the crazed and chubby variety.

March 8^th is Be Nasty Day. Oh…you’re only supposed to be mean one day of the year? My bad.

March 9^th is Panic Day. This is a day specifically dedicated to panicking and fretting and checking your pulse and just being as irritating as possible to those around you. Because worrywarts are so endearing.

March 10^th is Middle Name Pride Day. This is a day for everyone to take pride in their middle names. Because “it’s the middle name your parents gave you that makes your name unique.” This is clearly evident in the fact that 99% of the girls in this generation have the middle name “Marie”. So, if somebody happens to ask you about your middle name on March 10^th, stand up and say it with conviction, with feeling, with pride. Yes, even you, boy from fourth grade whose middle name was Michelle. Loud and proud, homeboy. Loud and proud.

March 11^th is Worship of Tools Day. See, I could easily make a lowbrow joke about the other kind of tools- obnoxious, self-centered men- but I refrained. Because I have standards. Besides, I like to save the real whoppers for my poop jokes. This is a day to celebrate actual tools. You know, workshop equipment? This holiday is intended specifically for men. Because men like tools. “There are a few things that the male population worships more than his tools”, in fact. Personally, I don’t quite understand this infatuation with tools. The only hammer I like is MC Hammer.

March 14^th is National Potato Ship Day. Fatties.

March 15^th is Dumbstruck Day. This is generally described as an excuse to be completely dumbfounded and baffled and bewildered by everything around you, but, quite frankly, that’s not too different from how we usually behave. Business as usual, I say.

March 18^th is Goddess of Fertility Day. Lame excuse to dedicate a day to “procreating”, if you ask me. And who is letting John Mayer be in charge of making holidays now?

March 20^th is Extraterrestrial Abductions Day. They’re coming for you. And they’re so organized, they coordinated their schedules and cleared their calendars for a prearranged date.

March 20^th is also Proposal Day. I’m assuming these holidays only coincide because the aliens are going to ask for our hands in marriage.

March 22^nd is National Goof Off Day. Is this not every day in America?

March 26^th is Make Your Own Holiday Day. …I was under the impression that this is what everyone was already doing, which would be how we ended up with all of these stupid holidays. Are you telling me somebody approved these holidays to make them nationally recognized?

March 27^th is National Joe Day. A day in which everyone calls each other Joe. Because that’s truly the epitome of comedic genius.

March 31st is Clam on the Half Shell Day. Gross.

How to Lose All Your Friends in One Month

So, you know how I’m all creative and full of ingenuity and definitely not too lazy to think of a new idea for this week’s post and stuff? Yeah, me too. So strap in for a brand new dose of the same old same old, and get ready for some more holidays! February, it’s your turn…

The third week of February is International Flirting Week. So, uh… do with that what you will.

     
February 7^th is Wave All Your Fingers at Your Neighbor Day. According to Holiday Insights.com, in order to show “respect and appreciation” for your neighbor, you should wave with each and every one of your fingers. This fascinates me, because I was previously under the impression that this was an incredibly creepy manner in which to wave and you should only partake in it if you are playing a witch in an elementary school theater production. But perhaps I’m picturing it incorrectly.

       
February 7^th is also Send a Card to a Friend Day. Also known as Feeble Attempt to Prevent the Extinction of the Greeting Card Industry Day. Nice try, Hallmark. Nice try.

       
February 9^th is Toothache Day. Sounds fun, eh?

       
 February 11^th is Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day. I am choosing to ignore Holiday Insight’s description explaining that this is a day intended for encouraging optimism and looking on the bright side, and instead interpreting it as a day to intentionally spill milk, stare defiantly at the puddle, and not cry.

       
February 13^th is Get a Different Name Day. This is specifically for those of us who hate our names. Those of us who return to school after summer vacation, and suddenly insist on being called “Francois”, despite the fact that their name has and always will be “Eugene”. Also known as Dazed Identity Crisis Day.

       
February 20^th is Hoodie-Hoo Day. According to Holiday Insights, “On this winter day, people go out at noon, wave their hands over their heads and chant ‘Hoodie-Hoo.’” What in God's name is wrong with this country?

       
February 21^st is Card Reading Day. Seriously, Hallmark, let it go. I’m embarrassed for you.

       
February 22^nd is Walking the Dog Day. If you need a holiday specifically dedicated to the cause in order to get you to walk your poor dog, I’m surprised the ASPCA hasn’t had you assassinated yet.

       
February 23^rd is International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day. My dog sometimes eats her own feces. Therefore, I am more than happy to show a little love for something that is actually approved and socially acceptable for canine consumption.

       
February 26^th is Tell a Fairy Tale Day. Also known as Con Your Kids into Believing in Ridiculous Things Like the Tooth Fairy, So They Can Spend Several Years of Their Lives Making Complete Fools Out Of Themselves By Writing Letters and Drawing Pictures in Attempts to Correspond with Fictitious People, So You Can Save These Letters and Laugh at Them for Years to Come Day. Thanks, Mom and Dad. Thanks.

       
February 28^th is Public Sleeping Day. Also known as Feel Free to Pickpocket Me Day, I Would Very Much Like to be Fired Day, or Please Give Me Detention Day, depending on where or in what context you choose to slumber in.

       
February 28^th is also National Tooth Fairy Day. (See Tell a Fairy Tale Day above). My mom loves to regale her friends with tales of how she cunningly duped her children into believing that a woman broke and entered through a window and removed a single tooth from under their pillows, paying them for their trouble. Personally, as a parent, I wouldn’t encourage my children to sell parts of their body to trespassers, but that’s just me.

Mark Your Calendar

Well, it’s that time of year again: the holidays are upon us. Thank god for all the helpful citizens of Cedar Rapids who, in an effort to ensure that the holidays would not creep up on any of us and take us by surprise, made sure their thirty-seven foot tall inflatable Santas and eerie robot reindeer were clearly on display by November 27^th. However, no matter what winter holiday you celebrate, be it Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, or a new holiday I learned about from an Old Navy ad, “Dowhateveryouwannakkah”, we could all benefit from taking a step back from all this craziness and shedding some light on some of the more underappreciated holidays that take place in our calendar year. Let’s be predictable and start with January, shall we?

January 3^rd is Humiliation Day. Now, prepare to feel crushing disappointment, much like I did, when I tell you that this holiday is not nearly as amusing as it sounds. Instead of a day designated for the intentional embarrassment of others, which I was fully prepared to celebrate with wholehearted enthusiasm, this is a day to recognize the damaging effects of humiliating others. So that’s nice, too. I guess.

This is adorable: January 6^th is Cuddle Up Day. Now, this is precisely what it sounds like. According to holiday insights.com, Cuddle Up Day is an excellent opportunity to “cuddle with your cutie, snuggle with your sweetie, or hug your honey.” Needless to say, I am unbelievably impressed with how seriously they take their job of educating us about holidays. “Gee, this sounds great!” You say. “I can’t wait to celebrate Cuddle Up Day! But…” What is it, reader? What could possibly hinder your celebration? “Nobody wants to cuddle with me, as I take part in a religion that says hygiene is fictitious and is merely Beezlebub’s evil ploy to get us to wash all the holiness off ourselves.” Luckily for you, Holiday Insights has included a list of inanimate objects for you to cuddle with: your easy chair (hey now, don’t be so quick to judge! It’s not as “easy” as it looks; it’ll at least insist you buy dinner first), a stuffed animal, a book, a fireplace (please don’t actually try to cuddle with fire), or your quickly fleeing pride and dignity (okay, I added that last one).

Um… January 8^th is Male Watchers Day. I don’t know who decided it would be a good idea to designate a national holiday solely for the purpose of creeping on men, but I have to commend them on their lack of dignity. Since I can’t possibly summarize this as well as Holiday Insights, I’ll let them take over:

"Ladies, here is a day that you can thoroughly enjoy! Male Watcher's Day is for all of you ladies out there to go out and watch the guys. After all, they have their fun watching the ladies. Now, it's your turn.  You can perform your Male Watching just about anywhere that suits your fancy. Popular places include:  

 -Watching them at work on the job, especially labor jobs where short shirts cover flowing muscles. 

-On the beach...too bad this day is in January. 

-Watching your favorite guy working....on a home project you wanted done.

- At a singles bar or sports bar. 

-At the mall...it's time to get even. This is where more than one guy has been known to visit for the sole purpose of watching the ladies. This may be your favorite.

It is okay to perform Male Watching discreetly, or quite visibly. Single, unattached ladies may prefer to be seen male watching.......for obvious reasons.

Sorry guys...we did not find a special "Girl Watcher's Day" for you. But, then isn't every day Girl Watcher's Day?"

Continuing in this frame of mind, January 12^th is Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day. Quite frankly, I think this requires no further comments or explanations, and I’m not sure I’m entirely comfortable providing either. Who is being allowed to invent these holidays?!

 January 13^th is International Skeptics Day. Wow. Really?

…See what I did there? Ha ha! 

January 14^th is Dress Up Your Pet Day. No.

January 2oth is National Buttercrunch Day. What in God’s name is buttercrunch? I honestly thought it was some kind of elaborate wrestling maneuver, but apparently it’s some kind of dessert. A buttery, crunchy dessert.

January 21ist is National Hugging Day. Can also be utilized as your own personal Make Everyone You Know Super Uncomfortable Day.

January 28^th is National Kazoo Day. This can quickly escalate into Most Creative Ways to  Destroy Kazoos Day.

January 31^st is Backward Day. Ah, a Kindergarten classic.